Tags
boyfriend, crimes, end of the world, faith, fanaticism, God, group of prayer, judgement, kiss, loneliness, prayer, the chosen ones, war
Dave: Of course you need all these things! You need someone to tell you that you’re beautiful, you need someone to show you he really means it…
Me: To show me…how?
Dave: How do you imagine?
Me: I imagine Ryan holding me tight and kissing me. I imagine him wanting me. I would feel beautiful, I would feel loved…I would be less lonely…
Dave: Tell me about this loneliness you’re feeling inside.
Me: It makes me feel ill, weak, vulnerable. I’m not blaming him, maybe he’s lonelier than I am…but it’s killing me inside. I wanna tell you something, a fragment from my history with Daniele, so you’d know what I mean…
“She took his hand, making a pirouette in front of him. The dress felt so light and airy on her body and she loved the sensation. Her hair let loose and she stopped in his arms.
-Do you like it, Dani? Am I beautiful? I payed a small fortune but I love this fabric! And today I finally got the money…the scholarship isn’t much, but…
He was smiling but there was a sad distance in his eyes. She looked at him like a child wanting and expecting a reward, so he felt pressured to say something.
-You know you’re beautiful, Cari, why do you want me to say it to you every day? To me, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world…
-Thank you! So we’re going? Please, pretty please…I can’t remember the last time I danced…and I don’t think we ever danced…And this new pub is really cool…the music is slow and romantic and we could cuddle and…
-Cari…I don’t wanna go to some new night club to dance, I really don’t…
She felt rejected and his words were the cold shower she was so afraid of. She tried to remain calm, but the torment inside her kept growing.
-Alright, Dani. We’re not going if you don’t want to…but at least can we go for a walk in the park?
-Sunshine…I hate letting you down like this…but…
She tried to hide her disappointment but her voice was trembling and he could feel the same tremble in her hands when she gently touched his shoulders.
-You can tell me anything.
-I will, please try to listen and to understand me. Is all about…this.
-My new dress? You don’t like it?
-Cari, I saw you today when you volunteered to the shelter for homeless people. You wore your old blue jeans, your hair in a pony tail, no make up…you were gorgeous, brilliant. Pure beauty, because your good heart was shining trough your eyes. This…isn’t you. Yes, I see in front of my eyes a beautiful girl, but this girl isn’t you…And I really hoped you’ll join me tonight to pray for peace…you know the new group Padre Antonio is creating…
-Ohhhhh…
She covered her face.
-No, Sunshine…please listen to me. We could do something meaningful together…there are places in this world where children are dying right now…We’re living terrible times, Cari, there’s no minute to waste…We’re the generation who’ll see the end…you and me, Sunshine, we’re the chosen ones. So, do you understand why I don’t wanna go to dance to some new pub? We have a mission…
She looked down and started to cry. He took her in his arms.
-Please don’t be that selfish, Cari. Don’t be so shallow, this isn’t you.
-Do you love me, Dani?
-Of course I love you, what question is this? Aren’t you my girlfriend?
-Don’t know about that…
He took her by her hand and they sit on the edge of the bed. He grabbed her chin.
-Come on, Sunshine…tell me what’s bothering you. What have I done so wrong?
-Oh, Dani…you did nothing wrong. Is just that…I feel lonely. We’re together since September…already two months…and is like we’re only best friends. And I miss…the romance, the passion…I wanna be with you, I really do…but you don’t see me as your girlfriend, we’re more brother and sister…
She started to cry and he cupped her face, wiping away her tears.
-I’m so sorry…I didn’t knew you feel this way…Of course I see you like my girlfriend! Tell me what can I do to make you feel more secure?
-A kiss…you never kissed me…
He smiled and leaned toward her. She closed her yes in anticipation. His lips touched hers for a few seconds. A delicate, brief touch…she opened her eyes wondering when and if is he gonna do more…
-See? There’s your kiss. Now, can we go to the group? You need to change first…Come on, Cari…lighten up!
-I’m sorry…I can’t go. I’m really sorry, Dani, I just need some time alone now…
-Why? Just tell me why.
Her voice sounded sad and weak and it was visible that she was doing so much efforts to keep herself from crying.
-Today, Dani…I just feel the need to have some time for myself…for us. I understand it can’t be “us” so it’s just me…I gave a lot. I know that tragedies and wars happen while we’re speaking, poverty and abuses right across the street, I know there are people who need our help…but I gave and God knows I will give again…now I need to receive, just a little bit…I have nothing left to give.
-Don’t say that, Sunshine. It’s so selfish of you…
-I’m selfish. I am. I’m imperfect and self-centered. I don’t think I’m the chosen one. I don’t think I’ll be seeing the end of the world very soon.
-Why?
-That’s easy. Because you’re already there, saving the world. And I…I’m with the rest of the sinners who only want a night out or a real kiss from the person they’re dating. I’m with the doomed ones who raise money to buy themselves nice clothes…The world won’t end because you have a mission to save our souls and God, in His mercy, won’t let you fail.
-Cari, this irony comes straight from the dark forces of evil…
-And your fanaticism? And your lack of love? Please, just leave me alone…”
Dave: That was interesting…
Me: Yeah…that’s me, the loneliest girl in the world.
Dave (taking me in his arms to give me the warmest hug): Let’s change that. You are not alone. Love your perfect imperfections…remember?
Faith without love leads to fanaticism. And fanaticism leads to hate, abuses and crimes. I’m praying tonight for the ones who have their hearts shadowed by hate. The ones committing atrocities in the name of faith…For them, to see God for what He truly is: Love, Hope and Life. Please pray with me.
Carissa's world 
Long time since I saw your blog? Why are you lonely? I thought you were happily married now
So nice to have you back here, I missed your comments! Let me start by saying that your photography is amazing and you are sending a message trough your work, that’s extraordinary. You’re a true artist.
About your question, well, it’s a long story, but I’m still happily married 🙂 . In fact, I created a new category on the blog (“Me and Ryan”) where I’m trying to reveal a few things about my relationship with my husband. A glimpse from my present and recent past 🙂 .
Thank you, Rajiv, for your comment, all I can say about my loneliness is that I’m doing my best to make it work (talking about my marriage now). With honesty and commitment, I think anything is possible.
Cari
Je ne sais pas Cari, si vous comprenez le français. J’ai adoré votre texte, la mise en scène qui met en évidence que sans amour, on vit la plus grande des solitudes, le vide intérieur et la tristesse. On peut posséder toutes les richesses du monde, sans amour, tout est vain. Le vide intérieur ne peut se combler que par l’amour. Il y a l’amour humain qui n’est pas négligeable bien sûr, mais le plus important, le plus salvateur c’est l’amour Divin. Les hommes se sont éloignés de l’essentiel, du cœur de Dieu, d’où le mal qui va grandissant.
« Si je parle les langues des hommes, et même celles des anges, mais que je n’ai pas l’amour, je suis un cuivre qui résonne ou une cymbale qui retentit.
Si j’ai le don de prophétie, la compréhension de tous les mystères et toute la connaissance, si j’ai même toute la foi jusqu’à transporter des montagnes, mais que je n’ai pas l’amour, je ne suis rien.
Et si je distribue tous mes biens aux pauvres, si même je livre mon corps aux flammes, mais que je n’ai pas l’amour, cela ne me sert à rien.
L’amour est patient, il est plein de bonté; l’amour n’est pas envieux; l’amour ne se vante pas, il ne s’enfle pas d’orgueil, il ne fait rien de malhonnête, il ne cherche pas son intérêt, il ne s’irrite pas, il ne soupçonne pas le mal,
il ne se réjouit pas de l’injustice, mais il se réjouit de la vérité; il pardonne tout, il croit tout, il espère tout, il supporte tout.
L’amour ne meurt jamais. » 1.Cor.13 (la Bible)
Merci Cari, vous êtes une belle personne, vraie et profonde.
Amitiés
Oui, je comprends le français, j’ai visité la France quelques temps et j’aime ce pays. J’aime la poésie, la beauté, la musicalité de la langue française.
Vous avez raison … le vide de nos cœurs, la tristesse, la peur et l’angoisse peuvent être surmonté avec l’amour divin. Tout ce que nous avons à faire est d’ouvrir nos cœurs et de nous laisser guider par la Lumière …
Je veux vous remercier pour votre beau message, je suis honoré par vos paroles. J’aime vos poèmes, ils reflètent une beauté intérieure et une générosité qui m’impressionne.
Avec admiration et d’amour,
Cari
“And if I have a prophet’s power, and have knowledge of all secret things; and if I have all faith, by which mountains may be moved from their place, but have not love, I am nothing.
And if I give all my goods to the poor, and if I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it is of no profit to me.
Love is never tired of waiting; love is kind; love has no envy; love has no high opinion of itself, love has no pride;
Love’s ways are ever fair, it takes no thought for itself; it is not quickly made angry, it takes no account of evil;
It takes no pleasure in wrongdoing, but has joy in what is true;
Love has the power of undergoing all things, having faith in all things, hoping all things.
Though the prophet’s word may come to an end, tongues come to nothing, and knowledge have no more value, love has no end.”
Hugs Cari
Thank you so much for the English translation of these amazing verses. They were always my guide when I had doubts or fears.
You’re an amazing person, your kindness touched my heart…so many times I read your poems with tears in my eyes. Tears of gratitude for your talent and your inner beauty. Thank you for brightening my soul.
Hugs,
Cari
It’s you who bless me and grow me, with your words this morning.
Hugs and Love
Dearest Cari,
Heartbreaking, I can feel the pain. A little confusion which is good and beautifully written as always. Have a great day.
Hugs M 🙂
I tried to express this confusion I experienced…thank you so much for your intuition, your amazing way of reading beyond words. Re-defining myself, re-defining my values, discovering how much am I truly willing to give without feeling overwhelmed, learning that I’m worthy and it’s ok to receive. Also learning that it’s alright to dream to be the first priority in someone’s life…So many things, lessons of life and so much torment and it was hard because I didn’t really had someone to talk to.
Wish you all the love and light, my prayers and positive thoughts are with you every moment!
Hugs,
Cari
I’ve replied to you comment on my page, but I just want to mention that I’m still doing the book (you know what I mean) I’ve added more pages but I’m still trying to tap into my memories abit more I don’t want the stories to be too vague, I also dreamt of Scarlett last night and oh how I wish I could close my eyes and finish talking to her, I was on a plane and this girl was next to me rose red lips fast asleep with her hair over her face and she fell asleep on me, she woke up and it was Scarlett and I took her back to my house after we’d talked etc and my family was there(they didn’t really approve of one another) and I stood up to them all and we were talking for ages, I was just about to say something else and I woke up 😦 how sad but lovely to have felt that something for a moment, I managed to tell her that it sucks not talking to her anymore and that its lovely to see her etc
I’ve not seen her parents or family members for ages so
It’s been hard these past few months I’ve not known what to post or say but I’ve been thinking f you and a few other close friends on here along the way and even though I’ve not commented or clicked like I’ve seen all you’re posts
Speak soon dear cari
G.S x
My Peter…these dreams are so precious, I know how it feels when you just wanna go back to feel once again, to say the words, to hear her voice…I used to have long conversations in my mind and I remember feeling his arms around me in my dream and then…all the warmth, all the love just melted away…I wrote you a long message on the other post, where you were telling me about your mom but I wanted to say something about your dream to.
Your dream touched my heart in a special way…maybe because I still find comfort in my own dreams or maybe because so many times I prayed to stay forever there, in his arms, even if he was holding me only in my dreams…you know what I mean. My Peter, I love to “read” the meaning of dreams…So, meeting her during a journey makes me think of changes, evolution, worries about what may come. The words you told her in your dream…the truths of your heart when all the walls are falling down (she fell asleep), complete honesty…You, standing up to your family, taking attitude, defending your love…something you would do right now if you two were a couple. Your dream is the fulfillment of so many daydreams…but also, maybe, a way to evolve, to tell the words, to take attitude, to travel into a new place in your life.
I imagine how busy you must be with work and music…I can only imagine how hard it must be for you these days, weeks, months…I’m here for you sending you all the positive energy. And your intuition was right…these days aren’t easy for me either. But you know…despite of all the sadness and loneliness we might feel sometimes, the power of healing from our hearts is amazing…and your dream is a message of hope.
Thank you for sharing it with me, all the beautiful feelings from a lost love have something sad and still extraordinary within.
Love,
Cari
you just understand on so many levels….
Thank you…I read your poem about the beautiful angels…I had tears in my eyes and I couldn’t find the right words. You carry an amazing light inside your soul…and sometimes I’m reading between words and I wish I were there, to give you the warmest hug for your courage, inner strength and generosity. I’m grateful for your message, you brightened my day.
Carissa