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Therapist:…influenced? Cari, he was 27! A bit beyond the age when we consider the group opinion more important than our feelings.

Me: Yes, 27 and acting like 15…

T.: So, that’s what he told you a few years later…that he felt pressured by his friends to…what? To act like a jerk? 

Me: Now i realize that the only pressure was his fake sense of self esteem…like being in love with me meant being weak…not man enough. I don’t know if he realize it, not even after all these years…

T.: …that his weakness was exactly this “boyish” attitude…Please tell me what happened during the two days when you broke up with him…at least what he told you…

“He stared to the empty bottles of beer in front of him…the music was loud and he wasn’t in the mood for dancing. So he just stood there, surrounded by his friends, feeling too drunk to care.

-Another one! Right now…i wanna drown myself in beer!

-Come on, Alex…you’re drunk…let’s go to your place or mine and i bet i can make you feel better than any of these bottles!

The voice belongs to Lucia, his “buddy”, one of the dozens of names on his cellphone. He couldn’t even remember her last name, but she was always available…She knew what he wanted from her but she hoped for more…on the other hand, he knew she’ll never have more. His conscience was clean: they were both adults, both enjoying sex. Of course, he needed to pretend a little so he always took her in a club or restaurant before sex. After all, he was a gentleman…

-Lucinda…no…sorry…Lucia, honey, you know you’re the perfect woman? You know what she told me? She told me i was cruel to her…imagine, sweetie…me, cruel?

-Who told you? Ah…your girlfriend, the little virgin…How old is she, 15?

-She’s 17! And she’s not my girlfriend anymore! She ran away! She wants me to wait till the wedding day…she’s crazy…my crazy Cari…God, i miss her…

Lucia started to feel nervous. She planned to be the only star of the night, not some shoulder for him to cry on…So, she decided to play her strongest card.

-Poor guy…so in love…she’s playing you…Alex, you don’t know how clever and devious are teenagers today. She’s taking you for a fool…

-You think so, sweetie? Think she’s pretending?

-Of course she’s pretending…maybe she’s not even virgin! Forget her, come dance with me. Alex…

He pushed her all over. Too drunk to care…

-Are we getting rough? What’s wrong? She doesn’t know how to satisfy you? Oh, i forgot…you’re in love and you respect her. And you’re marrying her, right? You’ll have a 17 years old wife.

Her tone was sarcastic and for the first time that evening, he felt suddenly a wave of anger. He felt now sober enough…He throw her the money.

-Here, Lucia, i think this covers the dinner and your cab. I’m going home.

-No problem, baby, go home and cry for your sweet little…know what? i don’t care anymore! Just a friendly advice: f…k her and get her out of your system! If she’s really good in bed you can keep her a couple of weeks till you get bored. If not…at least you had a decent f…k!

He looked in her eyes trying hard to control his anger. He never felt the need to hit someone like he felt it now…

-You’re disgusting…

He rushed outside. The coldness of the night woke him and he realize that the pain inside was never really frozen. It felt real. He knew he needs to prove himself he’s not in love. How could he be? This would be foolish…And it was only a way…he’ll do it! He decided right there what he wants to do: use everything to convince her to sleep with him, cause he needed to have her in order to forget her…Promises, sweet words, name it…he’ll do it. So he started with a message.

Only an angel can heal my heart…Cari, you’re The One…Please, i need to hold you one more time, to touch your hair and hear your sweet voice and than…you can ran away and leave me empty…Tomorrow, my place…you know the hour…the hour when Heaven gave me the chance to meet the love of my life…

He thought this should do it. And he was right…cause she was praying for a sign…a sign that he really is her prince…”.

Therapist: You have tears in your eyes…Cari, is still very painful to you, isn’t it?

Me: Like never before…when he told me this story i just refused to admit it…and now the old feeling of not being good enough…to be loved, to be respected…

T.: You have the power to change this old feeling. To respect yourself, to love yourself…everything else, the messages from others are just empty words if you decide to consider them unimportant…

Me: I’ll never understand it…why using words like weapons, like knifes…when we can heal, we can protect and we can improve someone’s life with them…

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