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Therapist: And you went there decided to have sex with him?

Me: No, not at all! I went there decided to make love to the man i adored. He was the one planning to have sex…

T.: That’s nicely put…Tell me what happened.

“He looked around feeling proud…the apartment looked perfect: fresh flowers, clean sheets, fresh air, the bathroom ready in case they’ll take a shower. His shirt slightly open, in order for her too see his sculpted chest…

He repeated the strategy, there were two possibilities…He could promise her everything she wanted to hear…no, much too dangerous! That’s how drama start and he wasn’t in the mood for drama. The other choice was to play “the guilty card” telling her how hurt he was because she was conditioning their love…This is the perfect one! She’ll fall…it always worked with the good girls…

She was standing at his door trembling like a leaf. So many “what if” in her mind! What if he wont like her body? What if she wont know what to do? What if she’s totally untalented in bed? And what if she’ll get pregnant? Not to mention the pain…She decided to cancel all the “what if”! He was the man she loved and, like she was reading on the internet, all she needed was to relax and act natural.

-Cari! How long were you standing there? Please, come inside, your hands are so cold…

He took her in his arms, amazed once more by the smell of her hair and the touch of her skin. He planted small kissed on her cheeks and on her neck, knowing how much she loves them. She abandoned herself in his arms and for a moment he thought to lay her in bed and make love to her. But he didn’t wanted to rush things. Last time she ran scared…

-We need to talk, Cari…you cannot imagine how i felt seeing you running away from me…

-Amore mio…Alessio, i have something to tell you…

He stopped her from talking with a kiss. No…he wanted to apply the “guilt strategy” and not hear another set of moral rules or reclaims…

-Please, Alessio…i really need to say this…

-Of course, Principessa…if you must…

-I…was wrong…and you were right being so upset. I don’t know how to explain it to you…i never thought on putting a price on our love. Alessio, i don’t care about the wedding, i don’t care of anything…i don’t need the church’s blessing or a piece of paper in order to be yours. Cause i’m yours since the day i first saw you…and…

Her words were like knifes in his chest. He tried not to hear, not to listen, but it burned inside of him, reaching to a part of his heart he never revealed…She continued unaware of his torment.

…and i was stupid…i got scared because i love you so much and i’m afraid i’ll let you down. Now i know, i was the cruel one…conditioning you…i felt insecure and i got scared. Alessio…do you love me?

-You know i do…

-Then, that’s all i need to know…i wanna make love to you, i want you to be the first and it doesn’t matter what’s after…my heart is yours and nothing can change this…

She blushed thinking of what she just said. Her hands were still trembling when she got closer to him and took his face in her hands. Gently kissing him on his lips, running her fingers trough his curled hair, lowering her hand to feel his strong body…

His victory was bitter-sweet. She was there, in his bed, in his arms, ready to be his…and still the feeling wasn’t right. He didn’t had the chance to play…he felt like his game was turned into a love story. Or was it all the time? He couldn’t let this happen…The struggle inside him was almost over…she could have her fantasy and he will have sex…that simple! No more time to waist with words…

He almost pushed her on the bed, kissing her passionately, gently biting her lips, letting his hands to explore her body. He just wanted to get this over with, so it was a matter of seconds to undress her, to kiss her all over, to touch her there…He felt her hesitating…

She tried to ignore her thoughts, her fears…to concentrate only on her sensations, like she instinctively knew she needs to do…But when he kissed her, he could feel the salty taste of tears.

-What happened? Cari…

-Nothing…i like being with you like this…

He stopped and, for the first time that evening, he looked deep in her eyes.

-My love, why are you so afraid? You know i wont hurt you…

-I’m not afraid of you…i trust you…is just that…Alessio…is it very painful? The moment when…

The pain…Right in that moment, he realized he’s going to hurt her. She’s gonna feel pain. In her body and, later, in her heart. Because of him…He’s gonna take a place in her life, a place he felt he doesn’t deserve it. Her dream…the white wedding, her prince, her fantasy…suddenly he knew how unfair it would be to take it all away from her. And he felt the need to protect her…

-Alessio, i’m sorry…i want you…i’m sorry i got scared…

He took her in his arms and gently lifted the sleeves of her dress. He smiles and kissed her gently, touching her cheek with his fingers. She looked devastated…

-Cari, look into my eyes…there’s no need to look down or say i’m sorry. Why should you be sorry? For being the sweetest girl i ever met? Or for being honest and innocent? Or for loving me so much…for loving someone who doesn’t even deserve a second glance from you. I’m sorry…i’ll never hurt you this way…never again…

-You’re…leaving me? Please, don’t…

-Angelli…my angel, could a blind man leave the light once he saw it? How could i leave you when i’m starting to feel again? Like a dead brought back to life…That’s your miracle, that’s what you did with me…You know that dream of yours? I’m imagining you in a long white dress and my heart melts inside. Let me give that to you…let me make it true…for us, my love…Because i love you…

And for the first time he really meant it.”

Therapist: Don’t wanna be cynical but it sounds like he switched from strategy 2 to strategy 1. Promises…telling you what you dreamed to hear.

Me: I think he was honest…maybe out of guilt but i really felt he mean what he said. And i still regret…

T.: Not starting your sex life with him? 

Me: I regret all those times when my fears ruled my life. That’s all… 

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