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Therapist: I’m trying to understand…you wanted to make him feel attracted to you but you didn’t wanted him to take the next step…But, Cari, from outside it looks like you were playing with him. 

Me: I wasn’t playing! I wanted him to be attracted to me, i admit…but i also wanted him to respect my decision of waiting…i realize now how unrealistic were my expectations…

T.: I guess you were afraid he’s seeing you like a sexual object…

“Her entire universe was concentrated in his kisses, the world outside seemed only a shadow and she didn’t even cared anymore about what’s going to happen when she’ll go back. That moment when she saw him there, at school, right after her speech…and the moment when he took her by her shoulders, leading her to his car…and when they arrived at the hotel room…those moments were her only history, her only true…

-Alessio, am I dreaming? You’re really here…you didn’t forgot about us…

He smiled at her, caressing her long blonde hair.

-No, silly! I already told you. Your friend, Daniele, called me saying it would be better not to contact you at school because i’ll get you into troubles. I supposed he’s right. By the way…i think the guy has a crush on you.

She was biting her lower lip. No…she didn’t wanted to talk about Daniele, she was happy now and his last remark made her a little nervous.

-I don’t care…Alessio, i love you so much. I wanna spend this night with you, here…

He pulled her closer, looking deep in her eyes.

-Are you sure? We only have this bed, is king size but i plan to sleep really close to you…And you didn’t brought any clothes. Not that you would need them…you’re so cute in your catholic uniform…

She suddenly blushed knowing she’s still wearing the short skirt and the white shirt from her uniform. And he was so handsome in his tight jeans and his light blue shirt.

-I’m…sorry…they don’t let me wear any other clothes. And they always asked me to arrange my hair in a pony tail and…but i refused to obey their rules and i’m using perfume and i shorted my skirt…

He started to laugh, touching her blushed cheeks with the tip of his fingers.

-You…rebel princess…i loved your speech, i love how you look…everything about you attracts me. I don’t have a problem with your uniform…in fact there are guys who would give anything to be in bed with a sweet catholic girl dressed in uniform…Anyway…i’m going to take these clothes off…and i hope you’ll do the same…there’s no need to be so dressed in bed, right?

She looked at him fascinated…his shirt felt down and he was only wearing the jeans. She couldn’t helped but looking at his muscled body, imagining how she’s gonna feel it on her skin. He smiled seeing her so helpless and he started unbuttoning her white shirt, planting small kisses on her neck while his fingers reached to her lower button.

She was always afraid of the moment when he’s going to see her undressed and she panicked when he touched the zipper from her short skirt, slowly lowering his hands to let the skirt fall down. He ran his fingers over the soft laced underwear making her tremble.

-Cari…amore mio…you look so beautiful…i can’t believe how lucky i am to have you…to make love to you…do you know how much i want you…you drives me crazy…i wanna take things slowly for you…

His words were pronounced while he was kissing her shoulders, touching her skin, slowly laying her on the bed.

She felt like her heart was about to explode…this was the moment and the feeling of doing something wrong kept her from giving everything. She was afraid to tell him, she wanted him to love her and she didn’t wanted to ruin this moment.  Her old fear of being abandoned…and she froze for a brief moment.

-What’s wrong, Cari…don’t be afraid, i’ll be so gentle with you…i’m not going to hurt you, baby…my sweet love…do you wanna feel how much i want you? I’m hurting inside…that much…you’re my love, my woman…

She nodded so he took her hands guiding them to his body…she never touched a man that way…and she was shocked. And when he softly parted her legs, touching her…she almost jumped pushing him…

-No! I’m…so…sorry…Alessio…i can’t! Please…

She wasn’t sure what she was asking him. To wait, to hold her, to reassure her…but he understood. He laid next to her, taking her in his arms, caressing her hair, her skin and whipping away her tears. He was quiet.

-Amore mio, i know you’re upset with me. Forgive me…i don’t know why i’m so afraid. I like when you’re touching me like this…please don’t be upset…i don’t know what’s wrong with me…

She was crying out loud and, even if he was feeling frustrated, he couldn’t help but feeling the need to protect her, to take care of her.

-Hey…it’s alright…you know i love you…we don’t need to make love, i’m happy i have you here with me…

-But you’re upset! I know it because every time you get upset with me, you have this shadow on your face, like there were a black cloud. And now you have it, here! Alessio, please talk to me, tell me everything, even ugly words if you want too. I can stand them, i think i deserve them…

There was something very sweet in the way she was speaking and he felt like melting inside. He lifted her chin and looked in her big eyes. He saw her scared look and he felt responsible. A scared child…with an enormous fear of being abandoned.

-Cari…i’m not upset, it’s just that, for a brief moment i felt like you’re playing with my feelings. Playing hard to get…exciting me till i can’t control myself and then rejecting me. And i felt angry with you, but i had no right to be…

-No…i never played anything like that! I’m sorry…i can’t make you happy and i want to…I’m stupid and i’m selfish and i’m insane and i’m heartless! But please, please don’t leave me…i’ll die without you…

He smiled at her, seeing her so tormented and struggled inside.

-Sssssshhhhsss…don’t you ever talk that way about the love of my life! My future wife is the most precious woman in the entire world and you cannot talk like this about her! Understood?

-Your future wife…me? It’s me, right? Tell me it’s me…

-Yes, silly, it’s you! Now…before falling asleep…you’re letting me say any word at all? Even…

-No! Not the f… word! I’ll never ever allow you to pronounce that horrible word! Alessio…do you love me? Even if i’m such a mess…

He took her in his arms and kissed her deep. She closed her eyes smiling, falling asleep on his chest.”

Therapist: You miss this feeling…falling asleep in someone’s arms, listening to his heart beats…

Me: I miss it terribly…You know, me and Ryan…i just never imagined how dark and cold would be the nights…with him sleeping in another room…

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