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Therapist: You make it sound like the perfect love story. Somehow, it’s hard to believe, from what you already said about Alessio..

Me: True…it wasn’t the perfect love story. Just a night that started so romantic and ended in tears.

T.: Oh…so, no happy-ending…not that i’m surprised…

“It was four o’clock in the morning and she was smiling in her sleep. She was sleeping in his arms and the feeling of being protected and loved was more than she could ever ask for. Instinctively, she reached her hand searching for him…she touched the soft pillow and opened her eyes.

Alone in bed, she tried to locate the source of light and the strange sounds. Whispers, moans and flashes. Then she saw him and she felt relieved. He was working. That’s why the flashy lights…But how could he work so early in the morning…she became aware of her own thoughts. She opened her eyes and now she was completely awake.

-Amore, what are you doing? Why are you working so early…

He suddenly closed the laptop hearing her sleepy voice. The last thing he ever wanted was for her to know. He still hoped that she didn’t saw…

-It’s nothing…tesoro…go back to sleep, in an hour we need to get ready to drive you back to school. So you wont get into troubles…Come on…close these pretty eyes of yours and sleep.

She smiled, putting her arms around his neck.

-Only if you come back to bed…I can’t sleep without you. Amore…what were you doing with the laptop? I thought i hear something…

-Nothing…i couldn’t sleep so i was watching something…i’m sorry for waking you up…

He saw the question in her eyes and tried to avoid her gaze. She had that playful spark in her eyes.

-You’re not gonna tell me what you were watching, aren’t you? So, what? I’m gonna search myself…your big dark secret…Here…i’ll open it…

-NO!

He almost pushed her away from the computer. She felt on the bed, too shocked to speak.

-I’m so sorry, Cari…i didn’t mean to push you like this. Look…i don’t wanna argue with you, but some things are better left unsaid…

She felt suddenly scared.

-Alessio, you can tell me anything. I wish you could stop treating me like a baby and…just tell me. It can’t be that bad. What were you watching…I know! It was a horror movie. With monsters and…

He couldn’t bare anymore. The words almost exploded when he spoke.

-I’m treating you like a child because you are a child! Because if i’m treating you like an adult you’re starting to cry! I’m sick and tired of feeling the bad guy here! Wanna know what i was doing? Look at me when i’m telling you!

He grabbed her chin making her look in his eyes. She had tears in her eyes and a scared lost look.

-Of course, you’re already crying! God…Hear me out! I was watching porn…

She didn’t had any reaction. He tried to calm down seeing her so lost.

-Do you know what i’m talking about? (she nodded) Tell me! What did i said?

Her voice was trembling.

-You watched a movie where two people are filmed while they’re making love…

He started to laugh…a nervous cold laugh. Then he grabbed her by her shoulders.

-They weren’t making love! They f…ck hard! And it was more than two people. Do you know why am i doing this? Because i can’t take it anymore! Feeling your body almost naked the whole night made me so aroused…i needed some relief! I’m still so hard…it’s painful. But what do you care, right? I’m the bad guy, the pervert who took the crying little girl and made her sad…

She didn’t responded. She couldn’t understand…this stranger who was so harsh and resentful was the love of her life…

-Amore mio…i never thought you’re a pervert. I admire you…Why…why are you treating me this way? Alessio, you’re hurting me…have i done something wrong?

Seeing her so vulnerable it only increased his anger. He was angry at her, at himself…Because he blamed himself and he hated feeling so guilty.

-Alessio…talk to me…look at me…you’re not yourself. I know, i read about pornography, it’s highly addictive, but i’ll help you get over if you’re addict…i’ll be by your side, no matter what…

He suddenly pushed her, making her sit in front of the laptop. Then he opened the link…

-Look! Open your eyes and look! This is what i was watching…this is the real me! Those are my fantasies, this is what i’m expecting…Stop admiring me and stop being like this! F…. sweet and innocent! Look at the f… movie, don’t look down!

She tried to watch but images refused to make sense to her. The feeling of being blocked somewhere inside her own mind. The cruel reality started to form inside her broken dream. Almost naked in front of this stranger who was forcing her to watch porn…and she wanted to cry and wanted to breath but all was blocked inside her. Then it happened…her first panic attack.

He saw her suffocating and realized what he did…The desperation in her eyes, the trembling in her body, the tears that didn’t dried…His misplaced anger…her misplaced trust. He took her in his arms, holding her very protective.

-Cari, amore…i’m terribly sorry…what have i done to you? Look at me, i love you…i love you and i lost my mind…forgive me, please. Can you forgive me? My sweet Cari…please tell me you’re forgiving me. Please, i’m begging you for a second chance! I don’t know what’s wrong with me…with us…

She slowly regain the control over her breathing. She felt tired and lonely. A voice inside her was telling her to be strong.

-I wanna go back to school. Please, let go of me…Alessio, it’s over…I was wrong about you and i was a fool…But we’re over now…”

Therapist: It’s terrible…being abused by the man you trust and love…

Me: I wouldn’t call it abuse…he didn’t actually hurt me…

T.: Cari, you still don’t realize it…you still don’t see how deep and terrifying is the pain he put you trough. That’s why you keep repeating the same script… 

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