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Therapist: Your best friend, Daniele, he’s the best example for a pattern you keep repeating.

Me: Because i saw in him a savior? Someone who can protect me?

T.: No. Because you saw yourself as a victim. Someone who needed protection…

“She touched his face very lightly, trying to clean the bleeding wound on his cheek. Daniele was trying so hard to stay relaxed but she could see he’s in pain. And she was struggling with her own sadness and inner torment.

-Ready…Daniele, if you knew how upset i am right now! Look at you…your eye is turning blue! And this swollen cheek wont heal till Sunday! How are we suppose to sing at the Church when you’re looking like that!

-Be careful…ouch…Cari…you’re touching my face, be gentle…God! It’s burning…That’s what i get for defending your honor! But you should see that bastard! Alessio look so much worse because the fool refused to fight me. He said he deserve it so i gave it to him! Well, finally he couldn’t bare…

In her mind, memories were still painfully fresh. Alessio, her prince…it was hard for her to associate him with…whatever happened last night. And now this…He said he deserve it…that means he’s sorry…and he also said he’ll do anything for a second chance with her. Does this means he loves her?…

-Earth to Carissa! Hey, Sunshine! Chocolate for your thoughts…

-Can i ask you something, Dani? And you’ll be honest with me even if i wont like it?

He became serious, taking her cold hands into his and encouraging her to talk.

-Do you think…Dani…is it something wrong with me? I’m thinking now…maybe i was overreacting. I mean, he’s my boyfriend and it’s normal to…you know…

-To watch porn and have wild sex? Come on, Cari, you can’t be serious!

He wanted to sound sarcastic but he was very worried. He hated Alessio, in fact, he hated the thought of her having a boyfriend. But he wanted to do or say something to make her feel better and he couldn’t find the right words. So he took her in his arms, holding her tight on his chest.

-Dani…

-OK, Sunshine…let me say something to you! It’s normal to be afraid when you’re not sure of his feelings. You don’t really trust him…because deep inside your heart you know he’s not right for you. Believe me…with the right man you’ll be the one wanting to make love…without fears or insecurities. And your first time should be all about YOU! Not about him or his fantasies…about YOU!

-What do you mean…

-Cari…if i were Alessio…you would feel  that i wont hurt you…you would feel so much gentleness, so much tenderness that you’d be asking for more…And if you’ll get scared, i’ll just hold you, kiss you, caress this beautiful hair of yours…and tell you it’s gonna be alright. No pain, no pressures, nothing…just making love…the sweetest love i ever imagined…

He suddenly stopped, looking in her eyes. She was in his arms with her big eyes looking a little scared, a little excited, smiling all blushed.

-You make it sound so easy…Dani…do you think…i mean…now i want…i feel ready to…

He was dreaming for this moment for so long…She took his face in her hands and he kissed her fingers. They were dangerously close and he could sense her perfumed skin so warm. His voice was tormented.

-What do you want…tell me Sunshine…

-I…want you to…to kiss me…and then if you want, we can…make love…i feel safe with you…and you’ll be gentle…

He lean toward her and kissed her on the cheek. Looking deep in her eyes, he seemed more sad than ever before.

-You know, Sunshine, that’s the problem. I don’t want you to make love to me because you feel safe or because you know i’ll be gentle…You’re in love with him…i wont take advantage of your sadness and i wont be a replacement for Alessio…I know my place and i also know you’re way out of my league…OK, enough said…i’ll go to take a cold shower…

He left the room before she could see the tears in his eyes. She was too caught in her own fantasy…too busy to notice how she broke his heart.”

Therapist: I’m impressed by his maturity…an 18 years old boy, talking like this…but it’s obvious he was in love with you and it was much more than infatuation…

Me: He told me recently that he always believed we’re meant to be together. Yes…an amazing man, even if he was so young…

T.: What stopped him…why were you “out of his league”?

Me: A nonsense…he was always feeling inferior because his parents were very poor and he always told me he can’t offer me anything. And it’s terrible to realize how he didn’t trust me or himself…how he didn’t knew me or himself…I think he loved the romantic idea of “the impossible love”…

T.: I think you both were overwhelmed by fear. His terrifying fear of being rejected, your agonizing fear of being abandoned. Sadly…pointless somehow…

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