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Therapist: The burden of guilt must be very heavy on a fragile soul…and you keep carrying this burden…

Me: Don’t you see? Innocent people got hurt because they tried to help me…

T.: And you immediately assumed that it’s your fault…

Me: Not directly but…

“-This is OUTRAGEOUS! I’m paying a small fortune to this private institute and for what…? You’re supposed to educate her, to help her evolve into a decent young lady…and what do i find out after only 3 months?! That she’s missing her piano lessons for what? To feed the starving bastards from a gypsy camp? You can’t even begin to imagine my shock…seeing her all dirty with a black child in her arms, completely decomposed…Absolutely Outrageous and things wont remain this way!

She felt her cheeks burning and her eyes filled with tears hearing her father’s voice. He came to visit her in the worst moment possible and now…she was concerned not only for her future but also for Padre Antonio. The Principle tried to sound reassuring and calm.

-I assure you, Signore Provenzano, that it was out of our knowledge. La Signorina Provenzano was supposed to attend her spiritual exercises…we never knew she’s out of school. We don’t encourage the type of situations where our students can be harmed in any form and we’re proud to say that…

-Cut the crap! I only care to know how you’re gonna handle this problem! Are you going to take some disciplinary measures against this…so called priest? Or should i go to your superiors?

-Of course we will! Padre Antonio will be replaced and we’ll make sure that Signorina Provenzano is safe and well in our institution.

She looked desperately at Padre Antonio hoping he’ll say something. But he was very calm, concentrating on the Rosary he was holding in his hands. Praying…She refused to remain mute…

-Dad, it wasn’t Padre Antonio’s fault! It was me! I wanted to help those people, no one forced me. In fact, Padre Antonio tried to tell me it’s not safe for me but i didn’t listened. So, if anybody is to be blamed…that’s me. Please, let Padre Antonio out of this, i promise i wont go to that camp again…

-Young Lady…your promises worth nothing at all! You’re a waste of time and a big waste of money! You ashamed our Family and your mother is sick ever since she found out about your dirty adventure…do you remember, right? Carissa…you’re such a disgrace…you had it all…a french nanny, ballet lessons, piano, painting…You visited historical places of Europe at an age when most children doesn’t even speak! My mistake for overprotecting you…now you’re nothing but a spoiled girl…

Her tears were falling without control but she refused to let herself drowned in sadness. She was angry and she felt she doesn’t care anymore.

-I never asked you, Dad, for any of these…i never asked to be overprotected or for you to pay a fortune to educate me…all i wanted from you and mom was love. You never loved me, never! You only loved my brothers and no one cared for me! In the day i’ll turn 18 i’m going to leave this family you’re so proud of…forever! Yes, you heard me right! You think i don’t know but i do! I know i have a family in the US, i know you don’t want me to have anything to do with them but i will! I hate you and i hate your Sicilian Bullshit!

He slapped her face so hard…the shock was stronger than the pain and she felt the room spinning around her. The Principle almost jumped from his chair.

-Signore Provenzano, we don’t accept this kind of methods…why don’t we all calm down a little…it’s not the time or the place to discuss family businesses. Why don’t you take your daughter back to Palermo for a couples of days and give both of you a chance to solve this conflict…

She was still in shock…a part of her was hoping that this is nothing but a nightmare. Padre Antonio came to her and gave her a tissue. With a sad and gentle voice he spoke to her father.

-Signore Provenzano…Franco…let me tell you something…the child you just hit is not any child…is a child of God. One of the bravest and most loving children i ever known. You should be proud to be her father, but i feel so much anger and hate in your heart. Why is this, Franco? Because of her? Because she brought food to some poor children and took a sick one in her arms? Look deep inside your heart, Franco and choose well and wisely. This child could be your redemption…and we both know what i’m talking about…

For the first time everybody in the room kept the silence. She couldn’t bare and ran outside…”.

Me: Padre Antonio was indeed replaced that week and…i kept visiting him till that tragic accident near Rome…

Therapist:  I’m sorry…Cari, did you ever felt overprotected by your family?

Me: Never…i felt neglected, controlled, even abused…Overprotecting a child is a mistake made out of love. My parents made their mistakes out of…something different…And i’m praying i’ll be different with my own child, when i’ll have one…

T.: Be different with yourself…start treating your inner child with more gentleness and understanding…learn to love that scared little girl that you used to be, because she really deserve it…

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