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Therapist: So…you told him you’ll do anything for him…did you really meant it?

Me: At that moment, i did. But my definition for “anything” was different from what he expected…

T.: Are we talking about sex?

Me: Sex is just a small part…it’s about changing something i never felt it’s wrong…my values…

“For the first time in months she felt relaxed. In a strange way, being alone with him in his apartment, was fascinating. She was lying in his arms, in bed, not knowing what will happen , not planning or controlling and this freedom was new. Refreshing…

-My love…Cari…i almost lost hope…You cannot imagine how much i suffered…you were in every thought, in every dream…When i rented the apartment, i imagined us in every corner…having breakfast together, taking a shower together…making love…Seeing you here is like winning a big reward…

She ran her fingers trough his curled hair and smiled happily.

-I suffered too…last time…

-Shhhsss…Last time i was a jerk…i want you to forget…to think that it was just a bad dream. Can you do this for me?

-I would do anything for you, Alessio…

He kissed her deep and passionate, his hands going slowly down on her body…the silky fabric of her nightgown felt thin and smooth, letting him feel the curves of her body. He kissed her neck, gently biting the soft skin, creating small goose bumps on her body…

-Alessio…

He stopped and looked in her eyes with a playful smile on his face.

-You said you’ll do anything…

-I know…i will, but…

-Relax, silly…i was just joking. I would never take advantage of your situation…and i’m kinda used to be rejected…Hey…i’m starving…that pizza must be done by now!

She was overwhelmed…knowing he cooked for her, knowing he cares and respects her. And he was the most handsome, intelligent and the best cooker of all times…

-Here you go! Pizza in bed! Because you have sweet delicate toes and i wanna massage them while you’re eating. To help you relax a little…Now…what’s with the tears?

-I’m just overwhelmed…Alessio, i love you so much…i’d be lost on an empty street, freezing if it weren’t for you…You brought me here, you baked pizza for me and…and you’re so sweet and loving and generous…

He felt disarmed. Not only she forgave him but she was more in love than ever.

-My future wife wont freeze on an empty street…Cari, when i left Palermo, the only city i could think about was Rome…and this apartment is for you…i want you to feel safe and loved here…Of course, i wouldn’t mind if my seduction talents could work this time…

He laugh and she thought he’s like a dream come true. A prince…a hero…her own…

-Alessio, you left Palermo for me…to be with me? Amore mio…

He suddenly became serious and his eyes darkened…She was afraid of that look. She put down the slice of pizza and took his hand, gently caressing his fingers, placing his hand on her cheek…He caressed her long hair.

-Amore…you know you can tell me anything…i’m by your side, no matter what. I wont ever do anything to hurt you…

-Alright…i’ll tell you the truth…i left Palermo because of your father. Cari…i lost my business, i’m almost broke…because of him. I know i was a fool in the first place…believing i could do anything in Palermo…I hate this guy. I hate everything it has to do with him…except for you…

She felt somehow responsible and she came closer to hold him tight. He was distant and that scared her. He continued with a tired voice.

-I was always convinced that you…his daughter…you must be some spoiled bitch and it was a shock to me…You’re sweet and innocent and…you’re almost like a princess from a fairy tell. I would never hurt you…

His words were spinning in her mind. She refused to give them a meaning but she couldn’t deny the facts.

-Cari, please say something…I know i should had told you long ago that my parents and your father had a business together…i came to Palermo decided to get back what belonged to my family…then i met you and i felt in love…Forgive me and, for God’s sake, say something! Your silence is killing me…

It was hard for her to formulate her ideas. Too much, too suddenly…

-On the bridge…remember that day…when you kissed me…it was all planned? Alessio…am i just used in your vendetta? I feel like a fool myself…i gotta know…you used me…were you just pretending to love me?

He took her in his arms, in spite of her attempt of pushing him away. He grabbed her hands making her stay still.

-Baby…just hear me out. That day on the bridge i knew who you are. But i swear…i kissed you because i felt in love at the first sight. You had tears in your eyes, my sweet…this vulnerability of yours made me melt inside. It still does…You do believe me, don’t you? I love you…i hate your father but, help me God, i love you…I lost everything because of your father…

She almost whispered.

-That makes two of us…

-What?!

She looked at him with an overwhelming sadness. Then he saw the tiny red line next to her upper lip and he suddenly froze.

-Cari…what happened to you? Did he…he hit you? But when…and how…Look at me…why, Cari?

-Because i was saying something about his Sicilian origins…he’s so proud of…We were fighting because he was outraged that i’m volunteering in the gypsy’s camp…He hit me and i was bleeding…the whole school knew. I never felt so ashamed in my entire life and i hated him…

She looked down visibly ashamed and frightened. He wanted to say something but he changed his mind. In stead, he took her face in his hands kissing gently the tiny mark and than he kissed every trace of tear on her face.

-It’s gonna be alright…baby, i promise you something…no one will never touch you like this…You just have to love me and listen to me…we’ll get married and we’re gonna move far away from him…You’ll never see your parents again…they hurt you enough, my love. I’ll take care of you…

She nodded like a scared child who would promise anything just to make it right.

He took her in his arms, kissing her hair and holding her tight till she felt asleep. He was awake during that night…thinking, planning…”.

Therapist: Maybe i’m missing something here…but, even with your lack of experience, you must had felt it…this wasn’t love…

Me: For me it was the only kind of love i ever knew. For the first time, someone was telling me he loves me. And i really didn’t had any other option.

T.: So…you loved him because you needed someone to love you and to take care of you…

Me: I know what you’re gonna tell me…i did the same with Ryan…

T.: You said it yourself…Cari, there will always gonna be someone willing to love you and to take care of you. That doesn’t mean you’re gonna be happy…

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