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Therapist: I imagine the amount of toys from your room when you were a child. And all you wanted was a certain baby doll with brown skin…

Me: Yes…my parents were always buying the most expensive Barbie dolls and i never liked them. I saw once this African baby doll and i asked them to buy it for me…i insisted every single day…

T.: They never bought it…you never had the only toy you ever wanted?

Me: My grandmother bought it for me! I was so happy, singing and dancing with the doll in my arms…But when my parents found out…they said is not an appropriate toy…so they just throw it away. So, during that night, i took the doll out of trash and clean it…

T.: Amazing…But please go on, you were telling me about Alessio and i interrupted you…

“There were white candles on their table and a bottle of Champagne. Alessio insisted for her to try the drink and she moist her lips in the sweet liquid. He pulled her closer and kissed her passionately in front of everybody…

-Mmmmm…Champagne taste much better from your lips…from now on that’s the only way i’m gonna drink it…Amore…why are you so quiet?

She didn’t wanted to ruin the moment but she was still very affected by their early conversation.

-Alessio…about what you said this morning…

-What? Oh, no…not again…i thought we made that clear. Baby…i’m not against your volunteering, in fact, i’m proud of you…i just want you to chose a nice safe orphanage…not some camp where you can be raped or murdered…

-But I…

He stopped her with another kiss. She felt like she needs to say what was in her mind and she was afraid of his reaction.

-If you could just understand…i’m volunteering to that camp because they don’t have anybody else. Those children have no protection at all…not like in an orphanage…they are sick and starving and the authorities have no solution…And i’m not going alone, Daniele is there with me…

She suddenly wanted to erase the last sentence. Too late…He became cold and distant.

-Alessio…

-What? What do you want me to say? Congratulations for taking me for a fool? You know i don’t like that guy…Your best friend! F…cking shit…Since when a guy who calls you “Sunshine” can be your best friend? Oh yes…you told me…he was bullied in school and you saved him and since then you and him are like brothers…Carissa…are you kidding me or yourself?

She was staring at the table thinking is her fault. Hoping that if she’ll be quiet, his anger will just disappear. Her strategy worked because he calmed down a little. He took her hands and looked deep in her eyes.

-Cari, i’m sorry…i just love you too much and i hate the thought of sharing you…I’m jealous of Danielle and i’m jealous on the passion you’re putting in your work with those children. If you would be that passionate with me…in the bedroom…i guess i would feel much more secure…

She couldn’t handle the tension anymore and she burst into tears…

-If you could act just for a minute…just pretend for a minute that you want more than sex…Because i feel that sleeping with me is your only purpose…is all you want from me…And i’m in love with you, Alessio…

-Believe me, sweetie…if sex would be my only purpose…you would be mine already…You think i didn’t noticed? You’re melting inside every time we’re together…you want me just as much as i want you…So, drop that “saint attitude”, will you?

She looked at him horrified.

-What do you mean…i would be yours already…what that’s suppose to mean?

-Well…is not that complicated, isn’t it? Your body is ready…maybe you need me to push things a little further…then you can act like the perfect victim, i know you love it…

She felt like she’s about to pass out and she gathered all her strengths…she needed to run away…but he held her tight and she didn’t wanted to make a scene.

-Cari…i’m sorry, i’m so, so sorry…i feel horrible now…i’m sorry…you know i didn’t mean it…i just said some words without thinking…i would never force you to do anything…you know it, baby…

She nodded. He took his face in his hands whipping away the tears.

-Forgive me…and promise me you wont go to that camp again and you wont spend so much time with that guy…Say “promise”, please, and everything will be alright…

-Promise…

-See? You’re the perfect girlfriend and i’m the jerk hurting you like that…But you love me, so maybe i’ll be just a bit perfect too…in time…

She felt tired and sad and unable to stand for another fight.

-No…i’m imperfect and you don’t like me…and i don’t know what to do ’cause i have no one but you…

He smiled without fully understanding the meaning of what she said.

-Silly…i like you and i love you. Look, i overreacted and it was unfair to you…let’s go home…

-Home…”

Therapist: Did you felt safe that night with him? I mean…the love of your life was just telling you he might “push” things in bedroom…sounds creepy…

Me: I didn’t felt safe…actually i guess i never felt completely safe with him, because he was unstable…like there were two sizes of his personality…

T.: Or like sometimes he couldn’t lie anymore…I’m sorry to ask this but…did he ever…

Me: No, never…he was always very tender and gentle regardless of our fights. I wanna believe that he loved me. In his selfish way, but he loved me…

T: He loved your potential, that’s for sure…and he loved how he felt around you…but, tell me honestly…do you think you can love someone while you’re so focused on changing that person? Just think about it…

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