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Therapist: You created an image…a fictional character, if you wanna put it this way, and you felt in love with that image.

Me: That image broke into pieces too soon…but i still refused to accept that Alessio wasn’t that ideal man…

T.: Denial is sometimes a survival strategy, especially when we don’t see another one…I wanna know more about the moment when you started to wake up…

Me: It was in our last day together in his apartment, before going back to school…

“She was playing with his black curled hair thinking how handsome he looks in the morning light. He smiled…his playful smile and he caressed the traces from the white satin sleeves he just removed. He kissed her bare shoulders. She was biting her lower lip trying to remain relaxed and to focus on her feelings.

-Baby…you said you love me…tell me again…

-I love you, Alessio…

-And you trust me…you wanna make me happy…you wanna make me feel secure about us…

She nodded, feeling somehow exposed…she was fighting her inner voice who was telling her to stop. But she truly wanted to prove him that their love was real…

-Cari…you know how much i want you…we were made to be together, you’re my destiny…

He whispered the words trough kisses and she closed her eyes letting her body  decide…she felt like melting in his arms and she moaned softly when he took off her nightgown feeling the fine fabric slipping on her smooth skin. She suddenly realized…and the thought of being naked in front of him almost paralyzed her.

-I don’t…i’m not ready…

-If you love me…i want you to give yourself completely to me…i can feel you’re ready, your body cannot lie…just relax and make love to me…it’s all we need to be happy…

His fingers touched the sensitive skin near her bikini line and she froze. She was trying really hard to ignore her fear and her doubts. She promised him she’ll try…

-Wait…Alessio, i’m sorry…i do love you…something’s wrong with me, i know it…

-There’s nothing wrong…and i don’t wanna stop…you don’t want neither, you’re just afraid…so…close your eyes and let me take care of you…

She rolled to the other side and started to cry. He didn’t insisted and his cold silence made her feel so guilty.

-I’m sorry, Alessio, it’s my fault…i just don’t feel right…

-Of course, because we’re not married…but what if you wont be able to have sex after the wedding? Do you want me to live a life of frustrations? Do you think is normal? I mean, you’re my girlfriend but i can’t make love to you…who am i supposed to touch and kiss then?

She covered her ears and he took her hands making her listen.

-Look, Carissa, this is not right for neither one of us…I don’t wanna hurt you and i’m sorry that things turned out this way but i guess the moment wasn’t right for us…God…i don’t know how to say it to you but you and me…

She knew what he’s about to say and she thought she’s gonna die just hearing the words. He couldn’t…And then something changed inside her. Maybe because of the pressure or because of her desperation but she just put her dress on and her voice was cold and calm this time…

-I’ll save you from trouble, Alessio. I realize we’re over…it’s my fault, i know…I don’t wanna frustrate you anymore and i don’t wanna feel like a sexual object anymore. So i’m leaving…I’m grateful to you for these days, for not letting me in the street that night and i want you to know that i’ll return your favor.

He suddenly became pale.

-Cari…i…i didn’t meant it this way…

-I just want you to know that it wasn’t easy for me…all this time i felt like i’m not good enough for you. I tried to feel safe but i failed somehow. And i never felt loved…i only felt like you’re desperate to have sex with me…God knows why! I don’t understand it…being that perfect like you are, what the hell did you saw in me?

He tried to take her in his arms but she pushed him away.

-And do you know what’s truly terrifying, Alessio? I got this feeling that you want me only because i’m a virgin. Is true, isn’t it? What if…i’ll just go right now and have sex with the first guy who’ll want me? Our problem would be solved and, like you said…my body feels ready…And at least i wont have any expectations…But…hey, then i wont be able to fulfill your fantasy of sleeping to a virgin…Right?

He looked at her with the air of a drowned man in a deep need of being saved. Then it happened. He was kneeling in front of her with tears in his eyes.

-Carissa…i beg you…don’t leave me. If you do that…you wont find me alive tomorrow…I was wrong and i’m begging for your forgiveness…i swear i’ll kill myself if you leave me…

She tried to remain calm and cold but his words touched her deep inside. She took him in her arms holding him, caressing him like she’d do it to a scared child.

-Why, Alessio…after all the pain we caused to each other…why do you want me to be with you…

-Because no one loved me like you do! No one never ever looked at me with  so much admiration and so much adoration, like you do. No one! If you’ll go, you’ll take away the only pure and decent thing i still have in my life…Don’t do it, Cari…Don’t destroy me like this…

-Alessio…we both should just stop destroying each other…and start love each other…My prince…i know i’ll never love another man again…”.

Therapist: You lost something that day…

Me: My innocence…my dream…my love story that helped me survive during hard times…

T.: But there was something very strong waking up inside you right then…almost like the helpless little girl was replaced by a powerful woman. An amazing woman…

Me: Then why do i miss that helpless little girl so much? Why do i need and dream for someone to hold me tight and to make me feel safe again? 

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