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Therapist: Your relationship with Matteo started to develop on a dangerous path…

Me: I realized it that very moment…i was about to lose…

T.: His friendship?

Me: You’re gonna be proud of me…No, not his friendship! I realized i’m about to lose myself in this game he was trying to impose me…And i straightened things…the way i knew, the way i could…even if that mean creating new opportunities for so many other problems…

“She was playing with her fork making that annoying sound of scratched glass. She knew he’s watching her but she wasn’t planning to give him the satisfaction of looking at him. So she just looked in her plate, making happy faces with the hot sauce.

-Carissa…your pizza is getting cold…Luisa told me to make sure you’re eating more than cold sandwiches. I don’t think she mentioned cold pizza…

He tried to sound funny but it was obvious she was very upset. He could see the traces of tears and he wondered for how long will she play brave…

-Sweetie…look at me…what’s wrong with you? You gotta eat, look how pale you are…in a few hours we’ll be in Palermo…

For the first time, she looked straight into his eyes and he felt she’s getting straight to his soul.

-I got a few words to tell you…

-Alright…

-Your rule is stupid and i refuse to follow it. I’d rather go bare foot the rest of the road. I’d rather starve to death. I wont follow blindly everything you say. It’s absurd! It’s degrading and humiliating and i refuse to treat you like you were some superior being. And let me tell you something else…you’re not!

He took a deep breath and kept the silence for a few long seconds. Then he smiled and rolled his eyes.

-So that was all about…Oh, sweetie…i already said i’m sorry for being so harsh…it’s just the way i am. I don’t know how to react to emotions and when i saw you crying…something snapped inside me. I don’t know why…i just got angry…You could say that i just don’t have the emotional intelligence…

She took his hand and changed her tone, speaking like she were talking to a scared child.

-Matti…there’s no need of any of these…I care for you, i like you and there’s no rule in this world who could impose or change how i feel. You don’t really need to impose me anything or to make me do things…you’re my friend. Of course i’ll respect anything you say, of course i’ll do the things you want me to do…But that’s because i respect you, i admire you…not because you settled a rule…Can’t you see it? You’re building a wall between us and i don’t know why…you’re afraid i’ll get hurt or you’re afraid i’ll hurt you?

He took her hand and kissed it. The gentleness in his voice was all she needed.

-Carissa, there’s something about you…just makes me melt inside. What you just said…no one ever spoke like that to me…i treated you like i treat all the girls i know…friends or more…Because i’m like this! I realize now that i created a wall between us and i don’t know why. I hate feeling vulnerable and i feel like this with you…but i don’t want you to hate me…

-Never…i’ll never hate you. I don’t want you to feel vulnerable, i don’t even know what you see in me…

He smiled at her, pulling his chair closer to her chair.

-I’m afraid that i’m starting to see what every one around you sees…what my parents saw…I understand why my parents are completely amazed by you…And i have to admit…i’m starting to understand why your prince is so crazy about you…

She could hardly hold back her tears when she thought about Alessio, but she felt like she needs to focus on Matteo.

-He’s not…this morning when i was crying…Partly it was because of my grandmother…and partly was because i feel like i’m losing him. He doesn’t love me…maybe he loved me at first but this feeling got lost somehow…Unfortunately, i’m in love with him…That’s the story of my life…all i ever wanted was to be loved and to feel protected and no one cares…But it’s ok…

-No, sweetie…don’t say this…

-Matti…when we’ll arrive to Palermo, i can’t promise you that i’l be strong. I need you to be strong for me…If i’ll cry a lot, please don’t get angry at me…i need you to be my friend. Like this morning…Matti, all i needed was for you to take me in your arms and to hold me tight and…and to tell me that everything will be ok…

He put his arms around her.

-Tell me is not too late, Carissa.

-Too late?

-To take you in my arms, to hold you tight…to make you feel loved and protected. To repair…

-Even if this means breaking all the rules?

-Especially then!

-Oh, it’s not too late, Matti! It never was! Thank you…i’m grateful for two things: you and pizza…i’m so hungry. Matti, you know i was joking about starving to death? And about walking bare foot?

He started to laugh.

-Really? Noooo…and i was planning to let you walk and to starve you to death! Come here, sweet kid! Are we ok? (she said yes). Good…let’s make a deal: if you’re eating the whole pizza, i’ll buy you chocolate. What do you say?

-Add a Light Coke and you got the deal!

-Heeeyyy…you’re pushing your luck! Just joking…everything your heart desires…it’s yours!”

Therapist: Sounds like you had him wrapped around your little finger…And again, i have to say it…you had this chameleonic ability…to be a woman when you needed to be taken in serious, or to be a child when you wanted to play. It’s seductive, especially to a dominant guy, obsessed with control. So seductive that he changed his behavior for you, and that’s a big thing…

Me: Not really…i adored the sweet part of him, but Matteo never truly changed. He did bought me, indeed, everything i ever desired or dreamed…

T.: But your heart desired something else…something that money can’t buy… 

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