Tags
Angels, courage, death, faith, grandmother, Heaven, hope, last time, leukemia, lost, love, memories, parents, sadness, saying good bye
Therapist: I know it’s hard…but you need to remember and to give a voice to those memories…
Me: I can’t, i just can’t…let’s just talk about something else…
T.: You can chose to block this memory, or you can chose to just ignore it. But you can’t pretend it’s not hurting. She would never want you to live a lie…
“She was lying on the bed in the most expensive apartment from the most expensive hotel…starring at the ceiling and trying to feel something. Anything at all…and it still would be better than this emptiness she felt inside…
-I should cry…That would be the normal thing to do…I wanna cry…what’s wrong with me? Did you noticed, Matteo, that i’m doing everything at the wrong time and place? Say something, just yell at me…make me cry…so i’d just stop feeling so…
-Shhhssssttt….Carissa, you’re not well, sweetie. You’re in shock…Let me hold you, you’re trembling…
He took her in his arms, holding her tight, caressing her hair…
-Matti, how did i got here?
-Sweetie, don’t you remember? We took the car from Rome…or do you mean here, at the hotel? I rented the apartment and i drove you here…you were acting weird and i couldn’t let you alone…
-No…i mean, in this situation…to watch her dying…She was fine…it was like yesterday when she helped me chose the dresses for my dates with Alessio…And she was fine…we were laughing together, making plans…she was supposed to dance at my wedding…I still hear her voice…God, Matteo…i still feel the touch of her hands…I can’t…they were cold and white and when she let go…
He tried to stop her from talking.
-The doctor said she was brave and generous…she didn’t wanted to be a burden so she never told me how serious was her condition…Acute leukemia…and she refused the treatment…Did you ever heard something more absurd? And the priest said she was waiting for me…she didn’t wanted to…leave…without seeing me. He said i’ll have an Guardian Angel watching over me forever…
-Carissa…it’s not good for you…
-But i don’t want an Angel! I want her! No one asked me if i want an Angel! I don’t…
Suddenly she burst into tears and it felt like all the wounds of her heart and soul were opening, painfully bleeding in front of him…
-It’s alright…just cry, let it all out…Sweetie, don’t you want me to call your parents? In times like these people should be with their families…
-He throw me out…my father told me that…it’s because of me…all the stress i put her trough…And i don’t know where my mom is…i don’t think she cares…Matti…i have no family…my grandmother was my only family and she…left…I’m orphan…
He felt something so sad and dark inside him…memories, anger, resentment, fear…he just punched the bed on and on, like he was doing when he was a child.
-Matteo…
-I’m sorry, sweetie…this is your pain…your moment and i have no right to talk about my own pain…
-Oh…you got every right…please, Matti…open your heart to me, just a bit…
-When you said you’re an orphan…that’s exactly how i felt when my little sister left us…My parents were devastated and they forgot about me…it was like they lost their only child…like i didn’t matter to them…and i was 7…i remember everything…i hate them since that moment…You asked me once why i call them by their first names…That’s why! Because i’ll never say “mom” and “dad” again!
She realized how much pain he’s still carrying and the compassion she felt was overwhelming. She tried to embrace him but he couldn’t stand her touch…
-And when you came in their lives, i lost my family once again…Yes, Carissa, i hated you…they started to act like they were finding their lost child again…
She looked down, thinking that now it’s all out in the open…
-But it wasn’t your fault, Carissa…and i’m ashamed for the way i treated you. You’re incredibly sweet and pure at heart and it’s only normal…
-Matti…i love you…
The words just came out without giving them a second thought. She was surprised by her own reaction but he smiled at her and that made her feel alright.
-You love me?
-Yes…
-Then come here. We’re gonna do something…you and me…we both need to let them go. The Angels in our lives…Your grandmother, my sister…Because, Carissa…if this pain keeps on building inside us, we’ll be destroyed. And what’s the point? Aren’t already enough Angels in Heaven?
-Too many Angels…
She whipped away her tears and took his hand.
-Let’s go, Matti! I’m ready for whatever you have in mind!”
Therapist: When you said “i love you”…you meant something else, right?
Me: I meant that i care…or maybe i truly loved that hurtful part of him…it made me feel like i wanna protect him…
T.: What happened that night?
Me: We said good bye…to the Angels in our lives…and i smiled without feeling guilty, because i felt like she wanted me to smile…
T.: She still does…she’s still guiding and protecting you from Heaven above. Look at the window right now…there’s a white feather…do you know what that means? Cari, all this time when you felt you’re the loneliest girl in the world, you had the wings of an Angel wrapped around you…
Carissa's world 
well done friend. looking forward to the next installment
Thank you, i have to admit…it was the hardest thing i ever wrote. You know how it feels when it’s painful to write but you just can’t keep the feelings inside anymore…
spend time reading my posts on my page dear friend. believe me, i think im an expert on writing painful things..
im here if you need me. also you can find my email on my gravatar if you want to send me PM messages. dont need everyone here all up your cookies
Is it a real story or just a fiction…
But whatever it is, it is beautiful, painful and full of love..
The real story, starting 5 years ago, when i was 17 and so many dreams and hope…The therapy sessions are real too and they’re helping me with my nightmares. My therapist thought i should write the story…
So, here i am, writing it all 🙂 . I’m almost 23 at the present time, learning day by day to trust and to love again. And to face my fears…
Thank you so much, Mohit, your comment brought a joyful smile to my face.
Blessings,
Carissa
I am feeling very Sorry to hear that.
Mine story is like yours only, i use sleeping pills even when i am just not even 20 years old, 1 year earlier, after a heart breaking ‘event’ in my life, doctors decided to give me sleeping pills, earlier few months, i was kept sleeping for 24 hours, but later they decided to relent little,
However , now i use them only when i can’t sleep for 2-3 days continuously..
But unlike u, i resorted to poetry instead of stories..
Anyway, u are a very brave girl, i know how it feels to reminisce those dreadful memories, so stay strong, and have a blissful life..
And i should thank u for smiling.. Keep it up dear..
My dear friend Mohit,
You’re strong and brave too…and your poetry is amazing, every time i read it i feel like you’re standing right in front of me. And i feel like opening my arms to give you a big warm friendly hug. You’re so young, there are so many beautiful things waiting for you. Love, trust, faith, hope…i’m praying you’ll have them all!
Be blessed with love, the greatest gift of all.
Cari
You said you are learning to trust and love again….that time will come…. but never for forget you are never ever alone…. God is always with you…. Everything you go through happens for a reason and He will put nothing in your path that He knows you cannot handle. He has such a plan for your life. And you are already helping so many people, this I’m sure. You have such a beautiful soul. I will keep you in my prayers my dear sweet friend.
Thank you…your words are bringing me so much joy and Light in my heart…I feel blessed knowing i’m in your prayers and you know i’ll do the same. I admire you a lot and this gift of yours, to touch people’s hearts like you do, is from Heaven Above…
May God keep you in health, love and protection.