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Therapist: For you it was never a matter of choice, wasn’t it? 

Me: Indeed…

T.: And i’m puzzled about this…someone like you, with such strong moral beliefs, someone romantic, in a quest for eternal love…and you were capable…

Me: Say it…I know how it sounds…But, believe me, i never felt like i’m cheating. Is like…OK, let me ask you something: had you ever told to someone to just follow his/her heart? Did you? Or did you said: follow your heart but also your rules, and don’t forget about society’s rules…How can someone just follow their heart if…

T.: I never told that…I wont tell you to follow your heart neither. Because human heart has such complex values…it’s easy to be confused, is easy to hurt others or yourself and then what? The perfect way of not assuming any responsibility…you just followed your heart…

“She almost dropped the cellphone. For a brief moment, she thought is a nightmare. It must be a nightmare…But his message was there, shouting at her from the screen, scratching her eyes and her heart at the same time. His good bye message…

I guess your silence is the only answer i need…Cari, you broke my heart…Are you laughing now? Such a sweet angel, so innocent and loving…i guess i should had known better. You’re nothing but a cheater and a liar! I know everything, yes, the fool finally found out. I was your fool…I curse the moment when i met you, i hope you’ll burn in hell for the pain you put me trough. Have a nice life! Alessio

She felt sick, like her body was taking the burden from her heart. A violent pain in her head and the sensation of burning in her eyes. She wondered if her heart will stop, but nothing happened, only that old sensation of suffocating. She looked again at the message and the pain overwhelmed her. Then she couldn’t breath anymore. The black around her became even darker…

-Carissa! Wake up, open your eyes! For God’s sake, why didn’t you told me you’re sick? Keep breathing, you passed out…I’m sorry for driving so fast, i had no idea you’re so sensitive…

-Matteo? Where are we? Why did you stopped the car, i’m fine…I wanna go home, that’s all.

He helped her get out of the car and the fresh air made her tremble. He took his jacket and put it on her shoulders and he touched her forehead visibly concerned.

-Sweetie…you’re not fine, you’re burning. I think you catched a cold that night on the yacht…And i know you heaven’t eat since yesterday. We should go to a hospital, you have high fever…

-No, please…i hate hospitals. The doctors are always overreacting and they give you injections and it hurts…and i can’t stand the pain. I had enough…just take me back to school, i’ll go to the school’s doctor…

He saw the cellphone she dropped. She tried to take it from him, but he was determined to read the message. Then he said nothing…just took her in his arms.

-Let’s sit here, in the car, is warmer…So, you finally got read of that jerk…Hallelujah! You and that guy, Alessio,you two had no future…Sweetie, you’re like a diamond, if the jerk can’t see it and he can’t treat you like a diamond…well, his loss!

She thought he’s right even if her feelings were so confused…He was dangerously close and she imagined how it would feel for him to kiss her again…

-Matti…I’m sorry for what i said at the hotel…i was angry and confused and i know now that you meant well…

-Nah, don’t mentioned it! Sweetie, i wasn’t upset…i just gave you time to cool down and to realize i’m not that bad…You’re loyal to your family, that’s a good thing. Pointless, but sweet…

-Pointless, like everything i do lately. When i first met you, you told me how you see relationships…like a contract. Remember? Someone should lead and the other one should follow…You were right, is better this way…Matteo…i wanna sign that contract with you. I have no one in this whole world…no family, no love, no one at all…And every time i follow my heart…

He became suddenly serious, taking her face in his hands. She felt like her cheeks are in flames but she didn’t cared anymore. She just wanted to be over…the pain, the struggle, the search…

-OK, sweetie, let’s play a game first. If you win, we’ll sign the contract…and if i win, i’ll take you to my parent’s house and you’ll be attended by our doctor and you’ll be the most spoiled girl from the whole world. Sounds more than fair, right?

-Tell me about the game.

-Well, you gotta tell me one thing you never told before. To no one…I’ll do the same. The most intimate secret will win the game. You first.

She remember about a secret and she smiled thinking how easily it will be to win the game.

-My secret is that…ever since i can remember, even at the present time…in all my dreams i speak English. I never had a dream or a nightmare in Italian. I never told that to anybody, cause i thought they’ll say i’m crazy…

-Interesting…maybe in your first year of life people around you were only speaking English…and somehow that became a part of your memories…Now my turn.

He took a deep breath before starting to talk, like he was going to take a huge weight from his chest.

-Carissa, when i kissed you on the yacht…i felt like you’re the one…the only one who can show me how real love looks like. No contracts, no rules…i felt something so sweet, so tender, so exciting…You brought to life the hero in me…And now you’re standing in front of me, broken, sad…and i feel like killing the guy who did this. All i want is for you to follow your heart…And yes…i’m so tempted…to lead you into my world, to teach you everything i know about my way of loving a woman…But it has to be your choice, a choice made of love…

She felt the tears burning in her eyes.

-Don’t cry, i’m not leaving you. I’ll be your friend and your protector and when you’ll be ready for more…we’ll see then…And i think i just won the game! So…prepare yourself for a cruel and painful treatment! Just kidding, sweetie! Dr. Sabrini only prescribes sweet medicines for sweet princesses with high fever…Now, let’s go. You got your future waiting for you. And my parents…who’ll kill me, by the way, for not taking care of you…”

Therapist: Cari, how did you took his words?

Me: My ego was a little hurt…and i admit it…i felt rejected…

T.: Oh, you really were naive…He didn’t rejected you, in fact, he accepted you at a higher level in his heart. But you were so used to feel abandoned that you were afraid to believe it…

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