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Therapist: Tell me more about this feeling…you feel empty inside when you’re with Ryan? What is the source of this emotion?

Me: I feel empty inside when i’m without him and the emptiness becomes overwhelming when i’m with him…is crazy, isn’t it?

T.: I don’t think is crazy…i think that you’re unhappy and, at the same time, you’re too scared to change something…He wont change because he feels fine…

Me: I’m always thinking that i’m overreacting. I mean…he’s the perfect husband: loyal, reliable, responsible…i just wish that he would see me…truly see me, because too many times i feel like he’s miles away from me…

T.: Sometimes people appreciate what they have only when they feel in danger to lose it…you know the feeling, don’t you?

“She was still trembling even if Matteo gave her that warm blanket. For one moment, she thought that it can’t be that cold…it must be the pain. After all, she was always afraid of injection or blood tests…And now she was afraid of this silence between them.

-Matti, you’re upset with me?

-Of course not, sweetie…Where did this came from? I’m just worried…you passed out again and i feel helpless…

She tried to get up, to say something funny, but the pain in her head was too strong. The room was spinning around her. Strangely, she was perfectly aware of her situation and she remembered clearly the past events.

-I think Dr. Sabrini is a vampire!

-Carissa…

-Yes, Matti! Did you saw how interested he was about my blood? I think he’s fooling us about taking the samples to the lab…in fact, he may be drinking it all right now…

He started to laugh and kissed her on the cheek.

-That’s for being so brave. I know how afraid you were and still…you didn’t said a single “ouch”. Good girl…

-Don’t call me “good girl” like i were some puppy! I’ll never believe you again…you said soft and sweet…and the next think i know…my arm felt like tearing apart…i bet he used the thickest needle he found on the face of the Earth…

He touched her forehead again.

-Sweetie, i know what you’re trying to do…but you need to rest…your fever is not giving up.

-Well, i’m not giving up neither! Where’s Luisa? I think she left because she didn’t wanted me to see her crying. But there’s no need to cry. Look…i’m fine…i’ll just get up and…

Right in that moment, Dr. Sabrini and Luisa opened the door. The look on their faces was serious.

-The lab gave us the results of your blood tests. But first, let me check your fever…as i was expecting, is increasing. Carissa, tell me when did you started to feel like this?

-Just a few months ago…is nothing serious, right? Can i go to school to get my things? I’ll take the medicine you prescribed…

Luisa came closer, caressing her hair.

-Figlia, i’m afraid that the lab gave us some bad news. You have anemia…do you know what is it?

-Oh, that…that’s nothing…all my life i was a little pale and sensitive to cold weather. My mom said i have anemia…but that was never a problem.

Dr. Santorini was the first who broke the silence.

-Now it became a problem. We need to find the source of this anemia. It can be a hidden tumor, an internal bleeding or worse…

-Worse?! What can be worse…

-Carissa, we need to take you to the hospital. You need a blood transfusion…your body is not functioning normal and your life may be in risk…We also need to do further tests, we’ll contact your parents because we need their signature.

-NO!

She was shaking her head and the pain was so strong, she almost vomited. Matteo asked them to let her prepare and they left the room. He took her in his arms and she burst into tears.

-It will be alright, sweetie…i’ll go with you, i wont leave you alone…

-No, it wont be alright! Matti, for God’s sake…don’t let them…I don’t wanna go to the hospital! I feel fine! I just catched a cold on the yacht, but i’m fine now and i wanna go to school! Please…i’ll do anything…just don’t let them…i’m afraid of the hospital…

She felt suddenly too weak to keep her eyes open…

-Sweetie…Carissa, open your eyes! I don’t wanna lose you, i can’t lose you. It’s serious…look at me…i know you’re afraid. I’m afraid too. You’re afraid of the pain, physical pain…i’m afraid you’ll die and i wont stand the pain. And Luisa…she loves you like she loved Paola, my little sister. Don’t make her lose you! Don’t be selfish…If you don’t wanna get better for yourself…then do it for Luisa! And for me…

-You’ll come with me? And you’ll hold my hand like you did before? And you wont leave me? I’d rather die than be alone…

-I love you too! OK? I didn’t said it at the right moment…i never said it to anybody before. I love you too…i don’t wanna be too late! You said “i love you” and i didn’t answered…and now, i just don’t wanna be too late! Promise me…

She said yes and then the darkness overwhelmed her. The next thing she saw when she opened her eyes was the white room of the hospital, Dr. Sabrini and another doctor (with an angelic smile) and someone holding her hand. Matteo…The pain was gone and she felt like breathing again.

She remembered Matteo’s words and then she remembered the message from Alessio. The rejection from her parents. The loss of her grandmother. Palermo, the place where she wont be welcomed anymore. Her home…the place where she thought she had a home. A cold bitter kind of pain made her close her eyes. But she promised to live…even if there’ll never be a cure for this cruel devastating pain inside her…”.

Therapist: You would rather die than be alone…

Me: That was then…

T.: Was it? Or it still is? Because you feel alone, Cari, even if you’re not admitting it…you feel alone with Ryan and that’s the worse kind of loneliness.

Me: I admit it…I feel alone. So what…i’m living my life in spite of this feeling.

T.: No, Cari…you’re not living, you’re surviving… 

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