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Therapist: It’s alright to be vulnerable…

Me: No, it’s not. Not in my world…

T.: I had the feeling that we live in the same world. And, last time i checked, being weak or feeling sad weren’t the worst crimes. Is much worse to pretend, to be fake, to wear a smile while you’re breaking in pieces…

“First, she didn’t understood the words. Her eyes were adjusting to the bright light and she was struggling to breath. She recognized her name. And a voice, sweet voice, calling her name…

-Mom?

A strange sound from the monitor and a gentle touch on her hand.

-Cari…open your eyes, it’s me…Luisa. Doctor…she’s not responding…something is wrong…Cari!

-Signora Moretti… give her time. Let me check her…

The gentle touch was replaced by something cold and she felt a burning sensation in her right arm. She tried to protest but words wouldn’t seemed to take the right form. The light was too bright…It must be summer…i’m in Palermo…strange fragments from stranger dreams…

-Mom…Luisa…i wanna see my mom…

-Cari, thanks God you woke up! We missed you so much…now you’re gonna get better…

She opened her eyes completely and the memories came back one by one. Wondering how much did she slept…she looked at the doctor trying to find some answers.

-Signorina Provenzano, you gave us quite a scare. How do you feel?

-My back is hurting…and my head…

-We’ll give you something for the pain. Do you remember what happened? You’re at the hospital. The value of your hemoglobin was very low, at a critical level. Unfortunately, the blood transfusion was delayed and your body went into shock. You’re alright now…We checked every possible source of your anemia and all the results are normal. The bad new is that you still have fever, which means that you’ll be staying with us at least this week.

-I wanna see my mother…

Luisa looked down very worried and the doctor excused himself and went out.

-Cari, your mother was very busy and she couldn’t come. But she loves you…Once you’ll feel better, we’ll call her…but now you need to focus on your health.

-Where’s Matti…he was there with me…please, Luisa, i wanna see him.

-He’s right here. I’ll let you two talk…if you need anything, anything at all…

She said thank you and she smiled for the first time. Matteo came closer and took her hand. His eyes had dark circles around them and he looked so tired…

-Matti…you’re here…my God, you look so bad…

-Well, thanks a lot, sweetie. I just tried to match perfectly with the white of your skin…Come here…Carissa…you’re not allowed to pass out ever again. Or to have anemia…That’s a rule!

-Yes, sir!

She was laughing in spite of the pain and fever. He took her in his arms and held her so tenderly, like he were afraid to not hurt her. Then she saw his arm…

-Matti…what’s there? No, don’t hide it! What happened to your arm?

-Nothing…it’s nothing. I just donated blood…And i’m happy i did it! It was so frustrating to wait for a signature…while you were getting worse…

-You donated blood for me? To save my life…but you said about a signature…from my parents? They didn’t wanted to sign for my transfusion? But why? And how did you do it then?

He didn’t knew what to say or how to say it, but somehow she understood. She felt like crying but he stopped her.

-No! Carissa…it doesn’t matter! Look at me, sweetie. You need to forget all about this subject. Our lawyer took care of everything, it really doesn’t matter anymore. Your safety is all i care about…

-Matti…they didn’t wanted to sign, right? My mother wasn’t busy…she just doesn’t care…And you donated blood for me…you saved me…

-God saved you…and the doctors who took care of you. And all the love you have around you…

She felt overwhelmed realizing how close she was and how far away she is. From being safe…

-My angel…thank you.

-Carissa, sweetie…when i say i won’t leave you, i mean it. If you wanna thank me, just get better! I wanna know that it wasn’t in vain…And it’s all up to you. You gotta fight, sweetie, you gotta be stronger. I don’t ever wanna feel so helpless…”

Therapist: How was it? To go back to life…

Me: Painful…Because i had to accept that things will never be the same and the family i knew is forever lost. Nothing can replace it…

T.: Nothing can replace the illusions you lost. But real attachment can make you feel safe and loved. Even if you’re far away from home.

Me: Oh, no…all my life i was far away from home. From my real home. This is my life now, this is the only home and the only family i ever had. Here…

T.: Welcome home, then…

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