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Therapist: It was a moment in your life when you felt you were given a second chance…tell me about that night in hospital.

Me: Christmas Eve…i was still in the hospital, feeling lonely and confused. My friends and Luisa insisted to stay there with me but i convinced them that i wanna sleep…so they left…

T.: You send them away, even if you felt lonely…And you did this because…

Me: Because i also felt terribly guilty…Every one has the right to spend Christmas at home, with the loved ones, not in a hospital room…

T: You felt like you’re doing the right thing…but your sacrifice didn’t made them happy, it just made you sad…

“She looked at the clock. Still early and not a trace of sleep…The room was lightened by the Christmas Tree (filled with colorful little lights) that Daniele brought her and she smiled seeing the presents from her friends. She thought for a moment about that red box filled with chocolate candies…she never had so much chocolate in her entire childhood. Her father always had strict rules about sweets…

She tried to imagine who’s in the next room…or at the next floor…How many broken lives are spending Christmas in there? Accidents, diseases, chronic pains, old people, young ones…Life is never fair and no one deserve this…Children should have a special rule made by God, so they would never get sick…She thought about something and suddenly smiled. She will pray for the people who suffers in this hospital! She took the Rosary and kissed the silver cross.

Dear God, Heavenly Father,

Please help them…help all the sick ones, give them comfort in their pain and sorrow. Give them faith, make them strong…give them love and hope and heal their bodies, spirits and minds. Help me too…God, i know i don’t deserve it, but please, send me an Angel…You gave me so many chances and i feel i failed You somehow. Don’t ever leave me alone with my sins and my remorse…and if my problems are a test to prove my faith, please, stand by me and be my strength! Thank You, dear God, for this beautiful Light i feel in my heart now…i know is You there. Amen

She imagined Padre Antonio smiling happy. He would be so proud of her…He always told her to pray with all her heart, to talk to God when she’s lonely and scared. And to open the eyes of her soul and she’ll see her Angel…And now…

A strange noise interrupted her daydreaming. Like a child screaming in pain. But they weren’t normal screams…She put the Rosary under her pillow and (almost without wanting) took the red box filled with candies. She opened the door slowly, scared of being caught. The corridor was empty and the noise got louder as she walked to the big white door. She never visited other rooms and she was a bit embarrassed. She opened the door careful not to make too much noise. The screams stopped for a moment.

-I can’t believe that they just left! Two social workers! I mean…i know is Christmas but you can’t just let an autistic child by himself…

-You know how Social Services works, right? They did their job, now we’re supposed to attend him. How old is he? Three?

-In his chart is clearly specified: he needs permanent care! He’s unable to speak and…God! Hold him still! How can i put the iv if he’s permanently moving? You hold his hands…

She was terrified seeing the little boy struggling and fighting with the nurses. She knocked on the door and stepped in brave (and totally blushed).

-Signorina…?

-I’m sorry…i don’t wanna bother, i just heard the screams and i couldn’t sleep and…Is there anything i can do to help?

They look a little amused at her. One of them wanted to kick her out but they saw her bracelet.

-You must be from the V.I.P. room? Signorina Provenzano? We’re sorry for the noise, it will be over in a few minutes, once we’re able to give him some painkiller. If you’ll excuse us…

-Where is his mother? Maybe she’ll be able to calm him…

-He’s from an orphanage. We really need to put the iv, so, will you be kind enough to close the door behind you?

She understood they want her out of the room but something inside her refused to go. She came closer to the bed. The child had blonde curled hair (the color of the sand) and blue eyes. And a lost look in his eyes, almost wild. She touched his hair gently and the little boy started to bounce his head and shake his hands. He looked toward her, through her, never truly making the eye contact.

-Hello, little angel…I’m Cari, what’s your name? You must have a beautiful name…I brought you candies…and in my room i have a pink elephant. When i’m afraid, i just hold him tight. Maybe later you’ll play with Mister Pinky too…You’re the bravest little boy i ever met, and these nice ladies will help you. They are our friends…I’m your friend too, i’ll give you all the balloons from my room and we’ll play with them…

-Signorina, he has autism…He can’t understand you. You’d better step aside, he’s in his world…

-No, let her…he seems to like her voice. Look how calm he is now! Signorina…Cari, you said your name is Cari? OK, Cari, talk to him while we’re trying again with the iv. Like this, slowly…he’ll fall asleep in a few minutes…

She felt grateful to talk to him, to sing to the little boy till he felt asleep. And, even if they said he’s in his world, she felt like she reached to his soul. And he reached to her heart…like the touch of an angel…And she knew that’s her Christmas present. Her Gift from God.”

Therapist: It was certainly a healing experience for you…

Me: It truly was! I realized that even if my parents rejected me, even if i wont go to Medical School, even if i’ll never find real love…as long as i can help others, as long as i can bring a smile to a child’s face…well, my life is worth living. 

 

 

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