Tags

, , , , , , ,

Therapist: How do you feel knowing that he’s going to the concert without you?

Me: It’s strange, but i don’t feel the sadness or the hurt of being abandoned or neglected…It’s like i don’t care anymore.

T.: And how do you explain this lack of emotion? What’s behind “not carrying anymore”?

Me: Maybe i’m just blocking it all. Or maybe this feeling became so familiar that it’s not bothering me anymore. I need to protect myself somehow…there were too many tears and far too much struggling and i realized something…

T.: Tell me, what did you realized?

Me: That he’s not going to protect me. He’s not going to make me feel loved, wanted, admired…I gotta learn to admire myself, to respect myself, to love myself. It’s hard, i don’t even like myself sometimes…

“She was standing there, trying to find the best words. To tell him how she feels without hurting him or losing her self respect.

-Matteo, i know you’re upset with me. You didn’t even looked at me while we were having breakfast. And i came to apologize. I don’t know what i did, but i’m sorry…If i said something wrong…Maybe it bothered you that Luisa thought we’re spending New Year’s Eve together, but i explained to her…Matteo, please…

-Sweetie, just be quiet for a moment, you’re giving me a head ache. I don’t feel the need to explain my decisions to you or to my parents! I’m tired and i wanna have some fun on the New Year’s Eve. The past weeks it was all about you! I’m so sick and tired of all the drama…Everything about you is so complicated…so dramatic and serious. And you’re so sensitive and vulnerable and so needy of love and attention…

-OK.

She turned around so he wont see the tears in her eyes. She wanted to leave the room but he jumped from his chair and blocked her way out.

-I’m not done.

-But i am.

-No. Lock the door. Sit. On the bed.

She shacked her head and crossed he arms. Looking straight in his eyes with a rebel expression.

-Not unless you’re asking me very, very polite…You heaven’t learned, Matti, that you can’t talk to me like this? I’m not a puppy to tell me “sit”. I wont sit. I told you before and i’m telling you again. I don’t know how you treated other girls but with me you will show respect. Cause I…What? Wait…No, i told you…

He suddenly grabbed her waist and she found herself in his arms. He laid her on the bed and kept her from moving. And he started to laugh seeing her so angry.

-Sweetie, you got sparks in your eyes. Green ones. My God, could it be? Your eyes are changing their color by your emotions? WOW…Stop struggling, i wont let you go. We need to change this “princess attitude” of yours. Just a bit, cause i like you when you’re so rebel. See? Good girl…Oh, i did it again! Well, i can’t help it if you’re as helpless as a new born puppy…

He was laughing and, in spite of her anger, she sensed that the tension between them is over. And it was such a relief…

-Matti, i will tell this to your mother. I swear i will! And you’ll be grounded on the New Year’s Eve and your big date…

-Oh, Carissa…how can you be so cute? Really…sweetie, i’m 24, no one is gonna ground me…And i think you wont say a thing…cause if you do, i might tell them about your bruises. Yes, your arm…you’re trying so hard to convince everybody that you did this to yourself…Little liar…

She closed her eyes for a moment. Alessio…recent memories covering the old ones…she suddenly wanted all back…

-What are you thinking about? Carissa? I hate when you’re doing this! Running away inside your mind, where i can’t find you…

She smiled and looked at him with a sweet expression in her eyes.

-You’re right, i was running away…imagine how it would be…If you could hold me tight in your arms in a perfect evening, on a perfect beach. The sun would burn my eyes and my skin and you’d cover my body with kisses…And you’d press my body against the warm sand, playing with my hair, like you’re doing now…Only that my lips would have the salty taste of the sea. We would be hearing the sound of the waves and the beating of our hearts…The rhythm of the sea would be the rhythm of our bodies, melting inside, burning with the desire of becoming one…An amazing dance…you would play with my senses making me burn inside and my escape would be in you…

-Carissa…

He touched her hair gently and kissed her. The tenderness in his kiss was more than she could ever imagine and she felt hot tears running down her cheeks. He helped her to get up and took her in his arms, caressing her hair.

-You know, sweetie…you just took me to a perfect place, to a perfect moment on a perfect beach. I just made love to you in my mind and…it felt like heaven…

-I love you, Matteo…

-You love me…but you’re in love with Alessio too…And i know it too well…The guy who can do that to your arm, will do the same to your heart. He doesn’t care about your body or about your soul. He will cause you pain…he has no idea how to make you feel safe, how to make you trust…He has no idea about your beauty, your intelligence or your generosity. And he has no clue about the passion inside you…But you love him. And you love me too. And i wont stand to be your escaping place. You’re completely mine or we’re nothing…And i never share what’s mine…”

Therapist: Do you feel like you’re sharing your husband?

Me: All the time…but it’s not a problem, we’re sharing our dreams with others, we’re showing intimate parts of our souls to strangers. Sharing is not the right word…How could anybody say “you’re mine”? He’s not mine…he’s the man i love, the man i chose for the rest of my life. And i respect him, i never wanted him to renounce of his dreams or of his friends or of his passions…for me…I just wanted…

T.: You wanted…

Me: To have a higher place on his list of priorities…and in his heart.

Advertisements