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Therapist: You’re blaming yourself for his choices…

Me: I’m blaming myself for my own selfishness…for refusing to see the truth at the right time. I was so caught up in my own problems, that i missed the important…

T.: Cari, he has a problem. It’s called depression and it’s treatable. Daniele is in the best place possible, finally having the treatment he needed. 

Me: He tried to take his own life…And that mail, i still feel cold shivers…

T.: He told you that it’s your fault. The depression modified his beliefs, reducing him at the state of helpless child…He blames you because it’s what he feels, not because it’s true…

“-And they lived happily ever after. The Princess and The Prince and the 12 little penguins. And one happy morning they discovered…What do you, children, think? They discovered…? No, not chocolate! They discovered that the penguins were in fact 12 beautiful children, just like you… 

-Again! Tell us again! And the monster? The Prince beat him and smashed his head and locked him in hell forever?

-No, Giovani! They forgave the monster and the monster became good. And one day, he found a nice lady-monster and they got married…

-And they had baby-monster…

The children were laughing and she smiled holding the little girl in her arms. The best New Year’s Eve possible. She was grateful to Padre Antonio for letting her spend the night here, organizing a party along with Daniele. The children were between 2 and 9 years old, a few from broken homes, a few orphans, a few from a shelter for abuse children. She felt like an orphan herself. Her parents called her in the morning, to wish her a cold “Happy New Year and we hope you’ll get wiser in 2009” and she wanted to ask them to take her home, but she realized it’s in vain…

The door opened and Daniele came in with the hands filled with little cups. She hurried to help him.

-Who wants ice cream? Pink for girls and blue for boys! Made by Chef Daniele!

-I want blue! Why are the girls always getting the pink ones? I want pink! No, blue! I want pink and blue!

Daniele whispered “help” and rolled his eyes. She started to laugh.

-Kids, let’s take, each one of us a tea spoon. We’re gonna mix them, blue with pink. What color will we eat? Orange? Nooo…Very good, Francesca! Mauve or purple. Now, we eat the new color! Take it slowly, no one is hurrying us…We’ll call it…Purple ice cream…

-Actually, is purple Cari! Sunshine, you have ice cream on your face. Come here, i’ll help you clean it. And i have something for you…

Daniele took her by the hands and used a tissue to clean the ice cream. He was looking in her eyes with an intense emotion. She felt like blushing for no reason…

-You said you have something for me? Dani…

-Yes, but you need to come with me for 5 minutes…

He leaded her to the piano and told her to close her eyes and to listen. She felt like in a fairy tale, his voice, the lyrics…everything was so special, like telling her a story…her story…

-You like it? I made it for you…I couldn’t sleep while you were in the hospital…the lyrics just came to me from Above and the music…

-Dani, it’s amazing! The most beautiful song i ever heard…Thank you…

He wiped away her tears, holding her. She felt overwhelmed.

“When all the stars are fading/ When sadness has no cure/ You know i’ll be here waiting/ You know i will endure/

The wind, the storms, the darkness/ To see you in my mind/ To wash away the madness/ To love you till the end of time.”

-For you, Sunshine…because you’re alive, so i have a reason to live…the song is called “Fading Stars” and is about what i feel.

She wanted to tell him that he has so many reasons to live. He was sad, somehow she knew is more than her being hospitalized or the stress with his trip to Germany. She hugged him. The noise from the other room awake them.

-Cari, come! Someone came to us! He brought us gifts…and balloons and chocolate!

-My God, Dani! If Padre Antonio came back and he discovered we gave them ice cream…

The little girl was almost shouting.

-Come! Is not Padre Antonio! He looks like you said in the fairy tale…you know, The Prince.

She hurried to the other room and there he was. Surrounded by children, giving them balloons, chocolate, toys…

-Alessio, i can’t believe my own eyes…

-Well, baby, believe it! I don’t wanna spend this night without you. And your party is better than mine! Right, kids? (they were all shouting yes). So, what party is this without chocolate, balloons, the coolest cars for the coolest guys here and the prettiest dolls for the prettiest little girls i ever saw! And baby…this is for you…

The white roses enlightened the room as he gave them to her. The sweet, delicate and fresh perfume of roses…

-You know, Cari…you deserve so much more. I know i’m not perfect, i know i caused you pain…i’ll never forgive myself for what i did to you. But baby, i’m dying inside without you. I need you back in my life…My sweet Princess…

-I wanna believe…Alessio, it’s not the right place to discuss this…

-It is! The perfect place. Look, here are my little friends and they will help me. Who’s gonna help me to win the heart of my Princess? We’ll convince her, right?

She tried to remind herself the reason…but he looked like a hero. Surrounded by children, laughing and playing with them, the perfect man…She said yes and her answer generated applause. He kissed her on the cheek with the promise of a real kiss once they’ll be alone. He brought a CD Player and a chocolate cake. For the children, 2009 started with joy, dancing, with chocolate on their fingers and a big smile on their faces.

And she convinced herself that the sadness and loneliness she was feeling were imaginary.

No one saw when Daniele left.”

Therapist: You feel you lost your best friend…

Me: I feel i pushed him over the edge. I never deserved him, he was my Guardian Angel…and now…

T.: He was and he still is a young man who needs all the help he can get. It’s not easy to fight Depression and OCD. And to get back to life after a suicide attempt…

 

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