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Therapist: You told me something interesting…you feel that you made a mistake taking the problems in your own hands?

Me: I should had been more humble…

T.: Tell me more about this feeling, from outside nothing suggests that you weren’t humble, quite a contrary…

Me: I was so full of myself…to think that i can save him when it was obvious he needed therapeutic help. I felt proud of myself to be “the Savior” or his angel, like he used to say. It made me feel important and…i’m sorry, Dave, it’s hard to realize that i destroyed his life…

T.: Cari, think for a moment about what you just said. You destroyed his life? This sounds like you’re assuming again that his life was all about you. And that’s exactly the type of thinking that we want to avoid… 

“It was 4 in the morning and she was running on the empty streets. Daniele’s cellphone was closed and she imagined the worse. She kept remembering every of his words, the song…maybe he tried to send her a message. Maybe she was blind and deaf and now it’s gonna be too late.

-Baby, just stop for a minute, let me catch my breath. Slow down, you’re not in the best condition to run like this. Cari…

-You don’t understand! It was something in his voice, a sadness, like he was saying good bye. I can’t believe how i just let him go…Oh, Alessio, if anything will happen to him, it’s my fault…i’ll have him on my conscience forever…

-Cari, baby…nothing is gonna happen to him. I bet he’s having fun in some pub while we’re spending the night in the streets…Let’s go home, we’ll rest for a while and you’ll see he’s gonna call you. What did Padre Antonio told you? It’s too early to think of something bad…

She ignored him. Her inner voice was shouting out loud, telling her to find Daniele. She remembered something he said…

-In one of his poems…he said that the road to nowhere starts in a train station…I think he meant that…Alessio, i don’t know this town very well…is there a deserted train station? Somewhere he can…without being noticed?

They took the car, going to…nowhere. Alessio was quiet all the way, saying from time to time that she’s probably crazy and he’s crazier than her for chasing shadows on the first January…

When they arrived, she almost sensed his presence before seeing him. He was there, waiting, holding an empty bottle in his hand. It was darkness and very cold, but he wore nothing but a shirt. She approached alone, making a discreet sign to Alessio to stay close but unnoticed.

-Dani?

-Hey, look who’s here! Sunshine, you came to the party? Wait! Who told you i’m here?

-No one…i remembered that poem of yours…and since you left so suddenly…

-Ohhhh…you’re so sensitive…i didn’t wanted to bother you and the love of your life…

She came closer to him saying nothing at all. Thinking that he’s not himself, she felt frightened. For the first time she wanted to have some kind of script, to know what and how to say…

-Cari, let me ask you something (she nodded). OK…my question is…How do you think it feels when faith dies? Could it be like when you’re losing someone? Or is it like when you die? Is it all dark or there are still flashes of light? Come on…i wanna know your opinion, don’t be shy!

-I will tell you…Daniele, i don’t think that faith can ever die. I think we turn it into anger or sadness or fear, but she’s still in us, disguised under another feeling. And in our darkest times, she comes out…remember how you said to me once: we don’t chose to have faith…the faith chose us to shine trough us…you said that, Dani. Please, come home with me, i’m afraid when i see you like this…

He ignored her last sentence and continued like he didn’t knew she’s there.

-You’re smart, but you’re wrong. And you’re brainwashed with the philosophical bullshit that Padre Antonio told you. My faith died. I failed. See (he throw a paper toward her)? In this letter is written about my failure. No, don’t read, i’ll tell you. They were counting on me…and now they’ll be evacuated because they’re too poor to pay the rent.

-Who? Your mother and your little sisters? My God, Dani, why didn’t you told me?

-I failed. I supposed to look after them…ever since my father left us, they relied on me. I’m the man of the house, that’s what she said. See this bottle? With my last cents i bought a bottle of wine. Hey, Jesus, do you hear me? I’m drinking Your Blood and you’ll have my blood on Your Hands!

-Stop! Stop it right now! We will find a solution! I will find a way, i don’t care how, but i’ll give you the money you need! You never failed me…Dani, don’t do anything stupid. I need you! Don’t do this to me, don’t leave me.

He turn around looking at her with a wild expression in his eyes. For a moment, she thought she convinced him because he smiled. A cold frozen smile. Then suddenly he pulled her arm, making her scream in pain. He was holding her tight, looking trough her.

-You need me? I told you you’re my Sunshine. My Angel…I don’t wanna leave you. I wont fail you this time. Come with me. The road to nowhere…Remember? We can go there together. Don’t cry, there’s no pain there…Do you hear? The sounds of the train? The sounds of freedom…And you, Angel, you wont feel any pain at all…cause you’re coming with me!

She felt someone’s arms pulling her strongly from Daniele and the sound of a punch. Alessio’s voice…

-She’s not going anywhere with you. You’re going to the ER…God…teenagers and alcohol…

He helped her stand. Daniele was saying something but the only thing she understood were the words “i’m sorry” repeated on and on. Alessio took him to the car, putting him on the back seat and he drove to the hospital.

-Cari, what was this all about? You need to announce the authorities, at least at school. Baby, he needs medication, he’s a danger to himself. And to you…I don’t wanna imagine what could had happen if i weren’t here…Baby, i told you…stay away from this boy.”

Therapist: But you didn’t stayed away from Daniele. Even more, you used the money you had from your grandmother to pay the rent for his mother and his sisters. And that’s a sweet gesture, but…

Me: But he needed something more than money. I solved his problem, but that was only the tip of the iceberg…The real issues were deeper and darker. And now i know, his mother is right. As long as i’m in his life, he wont be able to find his balance. So, i guess i need to learn to let him go…

 

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