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Therapist: The way you’re reacting every time we talk about this subject…doesn’t makes you wonder? You almost burst into tears…

Me: Because it’s absurd! What you’re saying it just doesn’t make sense! I’m not in love with Alessio, how could i be? He’s a part of my past. Ryan is my husband and…i know we don’t have the best relationship, but i respect him, i admire him…

T.: Respect, admiration…tell me about love. Attraction…Cari, in your dreams someone is holding you tight in his arms. And that man isn’t Ryan…

Me: I’m here because i’m afraid of my dreams. I wish they would just stop…They’re so powerful, so colorful, so…alive. I feel like i’m a cheater…

“She peeled the tomato carefully and place it next to the hot Spanish Frittata. She remembered the recipe very well, it was the first thing she ever cooked with her grandmother. She smiled hearing his steps and her heart started to beat faster when she saw him. His wet curled hair, his muscled body, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist…Hot drops of water on his skin.

-This smell is amazing! Cari, i never imagined that you can cook…My woman making me breakfast…Come here, let me taste…

She thought he’s going to taste the food, but he took her in his arms, kissing her hungrily, letting her breathless…His mouth going down on her neck, feeling her pulse and softly biting the sensitive skin. She realized that she feels helpless and so attracted…

-Alessio, amore mio…let me…i don’t wanna get all wet…i mean, my clothes…

-Are you sure, baby? I think that you would love to get all wet…

She suddenly blushed and he started to laugh. He kissed her on the cheek and they started to eat.

-Cari, now be honest with me. You know black magic, right? How else would you cook this amazing food with nothing but a potato and some eggs?

-I learned from my grandmother…she used to say that a woman needs to be good in two places: kitchen and…and bedroom. She said that a good Spanish Frittata is like winning a battle…

He kissed her again and whispered in her ear: “She was right…i surrender…”, making the goose bumps appear on her skin. She ran her fingers on his skin, touching his chest, feeling the sculpted muscles. He moaned.

-Cari…you’re very good in the kitchen…I wanna take you in my arms and show you how perfect you are in the bedroom…But first, i have a surprise!

She wanted to ask, but she felt lifted and carried in his strong arms. The surprise took her breath away…The bath tube filled with hot water and red rose’s petals. The smell of lavender…and the blue color of the water, the fine bubbles of air…His hands on her body, unbuttoning her blouse…

-What do you say, amore? I know you’re already wet, so…i thought a hot bath will help you relax…But you need to take off all these clothes…

-You mean…oh, i can’t…Alessio, i’m ashamed to be…without clothes…

He whispered: “i’ll just close my eyes” with a tone in his voice that melted away any resistance at all…He helped her step in and the hot water made her dizzy…He asked her what music does she wants and she said: “anything but Mozart”. He laugh and asked if rock ballads would be appropriate and the music started. She closed her eyes, completely relaxed.

-This is how i love to see you…relaxed, smiling…Let me massage your shoulders, it was too much tension…It’s time to let it all go…to let me take care of your body…Tell me, do you like it? The smell of lavender oil on your skin…the sense of pure passion…

-Alessio…you’re the one…i wanna explore this desire i’m feeling…with you…When you touch me like this…is like going to a place where there’s only pleasure…only passion…

His hands were going down on her bare shoulders and he started to kiss the back of her neck.

-I wanna explore your passion, your body…but is important to me to explore your heart as well…Tell me, do you love me? Carissa…that’s the only thing i need to be sure about…

She had a hard time trying to concentrate while he was playing with her hair.

-Amore mio…i want you to be the one…to teach me how to make love…i don’t wanna wait anymore…i wanna be yours and i don’t care about the future…

He kissed her and whispered: “don’t talk about the future…tell me what you want…what you need…”.

-I want…i need to feel this…you always knew how to undress me with your eyes…and you’re always making love to me through your words…i need more…i never felt like this before…could i just close my eyes and let you explore?…i just can’t concentrate anymore…

-Just close your eyes…you know i love you and i’d never hurt you…your body feels ready and your heart knows it…Be mine…just relax, let me show you how good it feels…

She wanted to say something but all she could pronounce was “yes…” and a sweet sensation overwhelmed her. Like being easy like a feather, like having no control at all over her body and mind. She felt the warm towel around her body and his arms, taking her to the bedroom. She wanted to open her eyes, to touch him, to say how much she loves him, how much she trust him…a strange thought came to her mind: what if she’s dreaming? And darkness…”

Therapist: Now i understand…

Me: That’s why i can’t…And that’s why i wanna make it work with Ryan. Because no matter how cold he is, no matter how lonely i feel…

T.:…he never took advantage of you…And when the man you loved the most, the one you trusted with your life…when the one you used to call “the love of your life” breaks your trust, drugs you and takes advantage of your body…then…What can you expect from the others? 

Me: Don’t say it like that…He asked and i said yes…he wanted to make sure that making love to him it’s what i want. And he said that he gave me the sedative just to help me relax…

T.: Cari…we’ll talk about this in another session. I wanna analyze everything you told me because this can change the focus of the therapy… 

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