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Therapist: Was it his lack of reaction that pushed you over the edge?

Me: I felt like i was talking to a wall. There i was, telling him that i still love him…and he didn’t even blinked. And than i told him that i wanna divorce…

T.: You were hoping to see something. What was your expectation?

Me: I was hoping to see a reaction, anything at all…Instead, he looked in my eyes very calm and he said no. He also told me that it seems that i have too much free time and i should take more care of the house chores…He said that i’m like a spoiled child always searching for attention. Am i like this, Dave?

T.: Are you asking me? Or are you asking yourself this question? This sadness i see in your eyes, is caused by the lack of attention? Or by the lack of love…

“Daniele took the ice bag and pressed it against his swollen eye. He was looking down, like a death sentenced. She felt the need to take him in her arms, to bring back the light in his eyes. But words seemed to have no meaning at all. Alessio was the first to talk:

-Keep it there, your eye looks like hell…I’m surprised that they didn’t kept you in the hospital after the show you just pulled. Let me see the eye…You’ll survive.

-You do know how to punch, don’t you…

-If you ever touch my girl…if you only look at her in the wrong way…you’ll find out how much i do know about punching…

She took Alessio’s hand feeling all the tension, looking in his dark blue eyes and smiling. A reassuring smile. Alessio pulled her closer and kissed her hair. His tone melted a little.

-Daniele, how old are your sisters? 6 and 7? I was thinking of something…you know my parents opened a bistro recently…We’re always having extra fruits and every evening we throw away food…I’m not saying this to humiliate you but…i thought your family could have fruits and hot sandwiches…all for free. And i also wanted to give you my mother’s number…we’re hiring people, i thought that maybe you could…or your mother…it’s a start, that’s all.

Daniele started to cry…a silent, desperate cry…His voice was tormented.

-Thank you, Alessio. From all people…i’m sorry for misjudging you, i’m sorry for what i did to Cari…i can’t stand myself right now. We’ll call your mother, of course we will…No one gave us a chance…no one…

She made a discreet sign to Alessio, asking him to let her and Daniele alone for one minute. He said no, with a look in his eyes that said “i’m not letting you alone with this lunatic” but she said “pretty please” with that tone that always made him accept.

-OK, but just one minute, baby. I’m right outside if you need me. Be careful, Daniele…if you only touch her…you know what i mean…

He left the room and she got closer to Daniele. Sitting with him on the bed, she cupped his face with her hands, feeling his tears on her fingers.

-Dani…what happened to us? We used to be best friends…And now i’m supposed to be afraid of you. No…don’t say it, i know you’re sorry and i know you never wanted to hurt me. But Dani…what i felt in that train station…

-You saw a monster there. Do you understand it now? You felt my dark side and it almost killed you. Cari…you better stay away from me, i mean it. Your boyfriend is right…You don’t know how i really am. I’m dirt, i’m nothing, i’m like dead inside…

She took him in her arms and he was crying and trembling like a scared and lonely child.

-Shhhhhsssstttt…it wasn’t a monster there. Dani, i only saw a scared boy with too many burdens on his shoulders. It will be alright…I will help you, we’re all going to help you…You’re not dirt and we all have a dark side…

-Not you, my sweet Sunshine…not you. You’re always strong, always beautiful, like a starlight…And i caused you hurt and pain and you were afraid…i don’t know how God is still allowing me to live, why doesn’t He just finish what He started…

She took his hands and talked to him on a firm voice.

-Look at me, Daniele. Don’t you ever talk like that! You think i don’t know how it feels to be down? You think i’m perfect? Think again…I’m not. I’m fighting my own demons but i have you. Don’t you see? I have you and you have me. No one is allowed to leave. I don’t have my family, so…will you be my family? Will you be the one who’ll never leave me? My best friend, my brother, my partner in crime? If you’re a monster, i’m a monster too. But i won’t leave…Promise me you wont leave neither…

Alessio opened the door and took her by her shoulders, telling her that it’s enough and they all need to rest. On the empty corridor he took her in his arms and kissed her…her first real kiss in 2009. She cried…all the repressed tears, all the fear, all the darkness…

-It’s alright, baby…you’re with me, no one’s gonna harm you…I need to be with you, i wanna look at you, hold you, kiss every part of you…I’ll never take you for granted, never again. I love you…”

Therapist: Your dark side…tell me about it.

Me: My fear of being abandoned…my nightmares…my traumas…i can’t be alone and i’m not able to be happy in a relationship that seemed real, true love…

 

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