Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Therapist: Abusers are doing that…convincing the victim that what they did is normal…practically they try to modify the victim’s definition about normality…

Me: But rape is such an ugly harsh word. I’ll never associate it with his image…

T.: You probably define rape by an violent action. But Cari…so many sexual abuses aren’t made trough violence…Somehow, i feel like you need to keep this image of Alessio in your mind…this pure, romantic image of a prince. It’s understandable but…remember the feeling you had when you woke up. Was it the romantic feeling of being in the arms of a prince…

Me: No…more like something was stolen from me. Like slipping into the darkness…I’m still denying even to myself, i’m still projecting all my dreams and my illusions on his image. I need to do that, Dave…But in my rational mind i know…oh, i know it too well that he wasn’t…he isn’t my prince…

“She opened her eyes and the bright light of the sun was blinding her. Everything was shinning, a strange white light surrounding every single object in the room. She tried to get up and everything started to spin around her…a pulsing pain in her head, big dark flashes mixed with the bright white. The cold was unbearable and she realized she’s trembling under the cover. And that she’s naked…

-How do you feel, amore? You’re cold…here are your clothes…let me help you…

Slowly she begun to recover. The spinning stopped and was replaced with an sensation of thirst. And a sickness to her stomach. But the worst feeling was the darkness in her mind. She couldn’t remember…where and why and how…and she felt too weak to ask. But she recognized him and she smiled.

-Amore mio…Alessio, i’m so thirsty…where are we? I can’t remember…was i sleeping a lot?

-Cari…don’t you remember? Yesterday…you made me that tasty breakfast. And then…

-Yesterday?

The information had no sense at all. But the memory was there and she was happy to find something…She suddenly realized…

-My God…Alessio, i don’t have my clothes! You saw me…oh, turn around so i can get dressed…

He turned around. Touching every piece of her outfit, she started to remember. Little by little…till every single memory took the right place in the bigger picture. She almost jumped of joy for recovering them.

-I remember! Amore…that bath was fantastic! I never felt so relaxed. And that massage you gave me, with lavender oil made me…you know. I think i said some silly things but i felt strange…like having no control over my body. I think i was like drunk, but that’s weird, cause i never drink alcohol…Did i said that i want you and that i wanna make love to you?

-Yes, you did…

-Oh…and then i felt asleep. I’m so, so sorry…i feel awkward…but i was so tired…Wait, did you told me that this happened yesterday? I slept almost 24 hours…Alessio, i’m sorry for letting you down like that, for not making love to you…i don’t know what happened to me…

He stopped her from talking taking her face into his hands. He looked deep into her eyes and spoke with a very calm and gentle tone.

-Baby…We made love…You were absolutely amazing, so passionate, so sweet…I love you, Cari…now more than ever before. And i will do the right thing…

She became pale, almost in the verge of a panic attack. His words…they made love, the right thing…She almost forgot to breath…

-Cari, say something…I just hope you’re not having second thoughts…You love me, right? And you wanted to be mine completely…you said that…

-How…how did we made love if i was sleeping? Or wasn’t i sleeping? And i don’t remember anything at all? How could it be?

She was panicking so he took her in his arms caressing her hair.

-You weren’t quite asleep, amore…you were just very relaxed, feeling safe with me…the way you should always feel. You don’t remember because…human mind is strange sometimes and you went trough so much stress lately…

She burst into tears in his arms.

-But i don’t remember! I wanna remember…Oh, Alessio, am i losing my mind? And…i don’t feel any pain…shouldn’t i be feeling pain? And…

-Shhhhsssshhhttt…you don’t feel any pain because i was really gentle. I love you, silly! How do you even imagine that i could cause you pain? Look…you were more than ready and your body reacted perfectly…it wasn’t a painful experience, believe me…

She nodded more scared than ever before. She was desperate to believe him but she couldn’t quiet down the voice inside her…Somehow, she felt overwhelmed and she was crying now in desperation and terror.

-Cari, please don’t cry…you told me how much you want this…And now? You’re acting again like a child, like a scared little girl. Baby…you’re my woman now…making love to the man you love is the most natural, normal thing…Or you don’t love me?

-I love you…I know it’s something silly, but…I always imagined that one day…when i’ll have a child…a girl…i’ll tell her about my first experience. Cause my mom never told me and i…and now i wont know…and i wont be able to tell…i’m being silly, i know…

He seemed touched by her words. His eyes got moist and he kissed her again and again…

-My sweet princess…it’s not silly, not at all, it’s sweet, it’s perfect…just like you are. Listen to me now! Our daughter…Yes, our daughter, cause that child of yours will be mine too…She’ll know that her parents loved each other very much and that she was conceived with love. And she will be loved…well, i think i’m gonna spoil her a lot, knowing how adorable she will be…Big green eyes, like her mother, blonde curled hair…And a tremendous appetite for chocolate! See? I made you smile…i always do…

She smiled and whispered to him “i love you, you’re the most amazing man in the entire world”.

-Alessio…i can’t remember…we used protection, right? I wasn’t prepared and…

-Don’t worry about this, amore. If it will be the case…we’ll see about it then…

-You mean that…Oh…It can’t be! I can’t get pregnant…My life is destroyed…But why? Why didn’t you used a condom if you saw that i’m stupid and irresponsible…

-Stop talking like this about the woman i love! Baby…look at me…why would i use a condom with you? I trust you…condoms are for casual sex and we’re a couple…And, Cari…it felt so much better…no one made me feel so good…Don’t worry about the child. I love children! And there are solutions if you really don’t want him…

She felt something very dark and cold inside her soul, like a black shadow, taking away…stealing all the light, all the love. Pure evil…She rushed to the toilet and started to vomit. The sickness in her stomach became a bitter sensation in her soul too…”.

Therapist: No one…Absolutely no one, Cari…no one can steal away your Light…you can experience abuse, pain, bitterness…but you decide how to define yourself…And only Light can feel the darkness so accurate…when you said this to me i was skeptical. I’m not anymore…

Advertisements