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Therapist: He defines normality in his own terms. How about your definition…do you think you’ll be able to find a common term?

Me: I’m more and more aware that he’s miles away from me…I told him today that all i want is a normal relationship, nothing extraordinary…just normality. He looked at me very surprised and he told me (with an unbelievable calm) that we have that…Can you believe it?

T.: Do you feel like you’re waiting for something? Something that never comes?

Me: It’s like waiting for a train that’s delayed for hours. When the train arrives, you jump and you’re grateful to have your ticket…My problem is that this train is taking me away from him…

T.: Or maybe he already jumped in that train. And you’re running desperate to catch the train…

“The lemonade was very sweet but she tried to drink it. He was looking at her smiling like a child in front of a Christmas gift. When she finished drinking, he took her hand and kissed her fingers.

-See, my love? I told you that you’ll be alright…My lemonade is the best medicine.

-Your love is the only miracle here…Alessio…do i look different? I studied myself in front of the mirror and i heaven’t noticed any change at all…And i really don’t feel pregnant,  i don’t…Stop laughing! Why are you laughing?

He took her in his arms planting small kisses on her cheeks and on the tip of her nose.

-Sometimes, Cari…you’re just like a child, a very sweet child. And i adore you…but you need to stop tormenting yourself like this! Anyway, i gotta go for a while…please, just relax, watch TV or something…

-But…you’re leaving me alone, here? No…amore, take me with you! I don’t wanna be alone, i’m afraid to be alone…

She was holding him so tight, like she were afraid he’ll disappear. He kissed her again and whispered “no” with that mysterious smile she loved so much.

-I checked, there are no monsters under my bed or in my closet. If you’re a good little girl, i’ll bring you something. OK…see you in a while, baby…

She tried to relax, repeating to herself that being home alone is something normal. She knew it is…she was only afraid of her own feelings. Afraid of being afraid…strange thought. She smiled. Suddenly, she knew what she needs to do.

-Mom? It’s Cari…

-…

-I’m sorry, i know you and dad are still upset with me…I just needed to hear your voice. Mom, are you alright? You’re crying?

-Yes, i’m crying…your father…

Her heart was racing and she felt frozen. Her father…she always imagined the moment when she’ll go back home and make things right. What if is too late…

-Whattt…happened to dad? He’s not sick, is he?

-Sick? Are you crazy? He’s healthy as a horse! And stubborn and selfish! Imagine, Cari…you know my friend, Nicolas? Yes…from Paris…He found out that my favorite collection for summer is on sales. And your father…he refused to give me the money. Yes…i hate him! He said: buy a dress! And i said: you’re out of your mind! What do you mean by ONE dress? There are outfits, purses, shoes…The bastard…But i’m going to Paris and i’ll get the money from some place else! I’ll show him…Cari? You’re there?

She tried to empathize with her mother but it was almost impossible. She knew all about these crisis…too many times, too many fights, too many tears…and for what? Clothes, jewelries, shoes, money…Does any of these things worth living for? But she repressed her thoughts.

-I’m here. Mom…i thought about something…can i come with you? To Paris…Please, i really miss you and we could spend some time together.

-Cari…you have school. And i’m going there to relax and to meet some old friends…you don’t even like modelling and you’re so bored at cat walks…And how do you think i will look carrying you with me? My friends don’t even know i have a daughter…a grown up daughter! Imagine how old will i look…

-I know, but…i won’t be a burden…please, mom, i feel so lonely lately…we could pretend we’re friends. Will you? Cause you look like 24 anyway…You could say i’m your friend and people would believe. And i won’t bother you…i just wanna see you…i was in Palermo and we didn’t talked…and you were at the hospital and you didn’t visited me…Please…

She realized she’s crying and she hated herself. The pride won after all.

-Alright, mom…i understand. Bye…

-Wait! Carissa Maria Provenzano…you’re manipulating me again, making me feel guilty! I guess you learned something after all…OK…you can come with me…but if you’re annoying me, i’ll put you in the first flight back to Rome. Honey…do i really look like 24? I don’t know…lately the botox treatment isn’t satisfying me…Never mind! Can’t wait to see you, Cari! Now i gotta go to tell the new to your father! Maybe he’ll be more generous this time…Bye honey.

Alessio arms around her shoulders…She wiped away her tears.

-Baby…who were you talking to? Your mother? Cari…i hope you didn’t told her…

-No, of course not, i don’t want you to be in trouble. She doesn’t care anyway…but she’s letting me go with her in Paris…

His eyes darkened and she noticed he’s upset.

-I don’t want you to go to Paris without me! I know how french boys are…And i don’t trust your mother to keep her eyes on you.

-Alessio…how can you say something like that? After what we…you don’t trust me?

He realized he made a mistake and tried to fix things somehow.

-I trust you, baby, just that you’re so innocent and you don’t know how this world is…Come on…don’t make this face. Come here…i have something for you. You like it?

He helped her with the necklace. A small silver key.

-The key from my heart. And here (he took something from his pocket) you have the key from this apartment. I made you a copy so you could come here anytime. See, baby? This is how much i love you! And you wanna run away to Paris…”.

Therapist: Was it a time in your life when you really felt loved by your mother? 

Me: Yes. When i was a little child, i guess i was cute…she always dressed me in pretty dresses and she put ribbons in my hair. People admired me…and her. And she was proud of me, cause i was singing and dancing…ballet mostly…

T.: Sounds like a perfect doll. Not like a real child. You told me you loved to run by the sea bare foot…and to play in the sand…how were you doing all these things with those pretty dresses and curled hair?

Me: When i started to run by the sea, when i begun to mess up my dresses…Oh, Dave, now i realize! When i started to be myself…she stopped loving me.

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