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Therapist: When was the first time when you felt beautiful?

Me: I was about to say…in my childhood. No…people used to say that i’m cute or pretty. Beautiful…i guess i felt like that for the first time…with Ryan. Isn’t it sad?

T.: Do you feel sad when you think about this?

Me: Yes. Very sad. I have build my entire image…my self esteem…depending on his appreciation. It’s sad because…when he took away his love, he took away everything and i just crashed…You know, Dave…i think i re-lived the same feeling of being not good enough…

T.: Who made you feel that you’re not good enough? Was it Ryan?

Me: No…it was my mother. That’s why it hurts so much, that’s why i need so much validation from him. When i feel rejected i also feel ugly, unapproachable, unlovable…

“She was licking her fingers smiling happily and thinking that the butter flavored croissant that she had just eaten must be the most delicious food from the entire world. Then, she took the sorbet and almost moaned when she felt the chocolate melting in her mouth. With traces of strawberry cream in the corner of her mouth and sticky fingers…she wanted to remember the taste of Paris…

Her mother, Leanne was calmly looking at the black coffee on the table. Silently. She knew this silence and she didn’t wanted it.

-Mom, don’t you want something for breakfast? You told me that it’s the most important meal of the day…

-No, i don’t. Carissa…we need to talk about what happened yesterday.

-I’m sorry, mother…i just couldn’t…i imagined the cat walk with all those gazes on me and i just blocked. I’m sorry…

-Well, sorry it’s not good enough! Honey, i payed for those lessons and Jean Michel told me you have potential. I don’t get it! I just don’t get it, Carissa…After a whole week…spending time with models, taking lessons…here you are eating ten thousands calories…

-But you said i can take anything i want…

-I was upset! And how was i suppose to imagine that you’re going to eat all this…I thought you’re asking for an orange fresh or a coffee…

The old dispute about sweets…She looked down, feeling miserable. Thinking she’s not worthy of anything, her eyes filled with tears. Leanne’s tone melted a little.

-You know i only want what’s best for you, don’t you, honey? Come on…tell me what happened yesterday. Was one of the girls ย mean to you? They can be so bitchy sometimes…

-Oh, no…they were wonderful to me! I think i made a few new friends. But that dress…it was too short! I’m not used to have guys starring at my body…I felt like a merchandise…like all they cared about was my body. And i blocked…i’m not made for this…i’m sorry for disappointing you like this…

Leanne’s smile had nothing warm. Only sarcasm.

-Oh, poor little you…You wanted to be noticed for your personality or for your intelligence, not for your body. Honey, no one will care about your brain if your body isn’t hot as hell…If you’re fat and ugly, no one cares about the sweetness of your heart. What do you imagine? You think that your boyfriend wants intelligent conversations with you?

She blushed remembering Alessio. Deep inside her heart she knew that her mother may be right but she wasn’t ready to admit it. Leanne continued:

-If you continue to eat like this…without any care at all for the calories you’re consuming…you’ll be fat as a cow. Your boyfriend will leave you, you’ll have no friends…no success and no career…You’ll become a looser…I don’t want this for you. Now you’re underweight…but you’re 17…let’s see how you’ll look ten years from now! Oh, Carissa…i just wish you could learn something from me! I was a professional model for years! I know what i’m talking about…But you don’t wanna listen! I wish you could be different…

She looked straight in her mother’s eyes thinking that she has nothing to lose. The sadness in her voice was overwhelming.

-I wish you could see me…really see me, mom…I’m not you…I’m not tall enough…my hair isn’t curled, like yours…I have straight hair and the color isn’t light blonde…no, is reddish like i were Irish…My eyes aren’t blue, that baby-blue eyes of yours, i don’t have…I have green eyes. I know you’re always on diet…i can’t. But God helped me with that, so i can eat anything without getting fat. I don’t know how i’ll be ten years from now…but i don’t wanna be like you, mother. I wanna be kind and nice to people…I’ll never judge someone because they’re over weight…Maybe i’ll fall in love with someone obese…so what? I liked those girls, the models…but some of them are sacrificing their health…And you know what? It’s not worthy! By the way, the only bitch i know is standing right here in front of me!

Leanne became pale.

-Get out, Carissa. Get out of here, or i’ll do something i’ll regret later.

She left the restaurant with tears in her eyes, regretting everything, especially her last sentence. She knew her mother is crying too…she could recognize the tremble in her voice. She was feeling guilty for judging her own mother…She cried like a scared child, in a strong need for a validation. To know she’s loved…

-Hello…

-Alessio? It’s me…Cari…

-Baby! So good to hear your voice…you’re crying? What happened? Another fight with your mother?

-Amore mio…tell me i’m beautiful…

-Cari, you know you’re the prettiest girl in the entire world…

-No…tell me the words…i need to hear them…do you think i’m beautiful?

-Ohhhh…You are beautiful. Your face, your body, your heart…you are beautiful. A bit crazy, but still beautiful. Is it ok? You know, i could put a rhyme and make a poem out of them. Or a song…i think it would be a big hit…Come on, baby…i know you’re smiling there…

-I love you. You’re crazy too…i love you.”

Therapist: Every time you feel neglected, there’s a voice inside you, telling you again and again what your mother said…You’re not good enough…

Me: Eating sweets, obsessing about Ryan, crying myself to sleep…nothing quiets the voice inside me…

T.: Maybe you’re looking for answers in others when you’re the only one who has the power…No one else can heal you. You’re the only one who can heal the wounds of your heart.

 

 

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