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Therapist: You’re telling me that Ryan’s jealousy is something you need to take care. Did he asked for your help? 

Me: No…in fact, he denies that we have any problem at all. Somehow, it makes me feel crazy, hallucinating or something…

T.: I understand…Everything seems perfect from his perspective. So, if you’re unhappy, this means that you’re the one with a problem. How does he explains to you all these negative emotions…why is he jealous if everything is so perfect between you two?

Me: He told me that, sooner or later, everyone cheats. But that’s not true, Dave! I never even thought on cheating him. Do you believe me, right, Dave?

T.: I think that you’re crying right now because he doesn’t believe you…not me. I also noticed how emotional and defensive you get every time we approach the theme of adultery. Do you wanna tell me more about this? 

“Paris looked fabulous in the darkness of the night, with all the lights from the street and shops. It was snowing and she checked her watch. Only 8:30 in the evening and so dark, so cold…and she felt so lonely. Unwanted thoughts…she just wanted to get back to the hotel room and she didn’t understood why she can’t be with Leanne’s friends. Maybe her mother is ashamed with her…The sounds from her cell phone woke her from her daydreaming.

-Baby…i heard it on the news…it’s freezing cold there…Hope you’re in bed, fantasizing about us…Cari, what are these sounds? You’re outside?

-Amore mio! So good to hear you again, i miss you…I’m all alone here…yes, i’m on the street. Mom told me to get back after 9 and…oh, i’m so cold…I wish you could hold me right now.

-How do you mean…you’re alone on the streets? And where is your mom? I told you i don’t trust her! Go back to the hotel, baby, i hate thinking that you’re alone there…

-It’s alright, Alessio. She gave me money and she told me to do some shopping on my own cause she’s meeting some friends. I did the shopping…i have no money left. I bought so many nice things and a few pretty dresses for Daniele’s little sisters. OK, i’m going back to the hotel, hope she won’t mind for being earlier than she said. Love you! Bye.

She smiled thinking how lucky she really is. Alessio was calling her so many times, checking on her, telling her how much he loves her. The love of her life, the only love she’ll ever have…It doesn’t seemed to matter anymore…the night she couldn’t remember…who cares? He loves her! That’s the only truth…She apologized to someone she just bumped in. Crazy in love…her mother will finally accept Alessio and she’ll convince her father…Lately, she was trying so hard to become her mother’s best friend…she even renounced on sweets and pretend to love modelling just to please her mother…

The sweet yellow light from the hotel’s corridor and the warmth…finally home! She rushed down the corridor but she stopped. The door from her mother’s room opened and she saw…Leanne and…someone. Kissing…embraced and whispering something. The shadow left…She almost felt against the wall in a state of shock.

-Carissa? What are you doing here? I told you to be back after 9!

-Mom…i saw…I saw…

-You saw what? You saw nothing! I was saying hi to an old friend of mine, that’s all you saw!

Her shock and her pain were replaced by anger.

-Mother, i’m not stupid! That guy wasn’t just a friend! I saw you kissing him! He left your room…what’s going on? That’s why you wanted me to stay outside for three hours? To have some quality time with your…your lover!

Leanne became pale. In her eyes, she could read something terrifying…hate, anger. And then, nothing. Leanne burst into tears. Taking her hand, leading her inside the hotel room.

-Cari, honey…i’m sorry you had to see…I wanted to tell you but you’re always so self centered, so preoccupied by your own problems. You’re happy with Alessio…i didn’t wanted to ruin your happiness, especially now that you’re so fragile with your health and everything…That’s why i tried so hard to pretend i’m fine. I’m not fine, Cari, not at all…

She melted inside. Feeling extremely guilty. And extremely worried. She took her in her arms.

-Mom, you can tell me anything! I want us to be friends…i’m sorry for talking to you like i did, but i was shocked. I still am…Tell me, are you in love with that guy?

-No…i was feeling so lonely and so sad…your father is always busy, always neglecting me…And i just needed someone to make me feel like a woman…Your father is terrible in bed…i told him we should go to counselling or at least he should read something about…you know what i mean…He just doesn’t know how to make me feel good…

She couldn’t believe her own ears. Trying to associate these news with her father…She felt like crying but she decided she needs to be strong. Leanne continued.

-And the lack of…attention…made me so depressed. I even thought about suicide…Do you understand me, Cari? This guy means nothing to me…but he made me feel good. I have the right to feel desired! I’m still young, you said i look like 24. And i still need…more than Franco can give me…

-Mom…if you feel so sad and lonely…if you don’t love dad anymore…why don’t you divorce him? If he’s treating you bad…you don’t need to lie or cheat if you’re unhappy…it breaks my heart but if divorcing is the best choice…

Leanne almost jumped.

-No way! Not after all my years wasted with him! It’s easy for you to give this advice! Cause you don’t know how it is! Being 45 with a boring husband and an unwanted child…with no money…What kind of life will i have? Who’ll support my expenses? You? Don’t think so! I have an image, a life style to maintain! What i need to know right now is…Are you going to tell this to your father?! Carissa…be careful, i really don’t wanna fight against my own daughter.

She let the tears run down freely. Not ashamed to cry anymore.

-Mother…there’s no need to threat me…to fight against me…I feel like i lost anyway. Broke, destroyed…unwanted child you said…It’s alright, i already knew. Be happy, mom. I won’t tell. You’re safe with your secrets and with your lies and with your emptiness. May God forgive you…i won’t! Oh, yes…i need to change my flight. I’m going back to Rome early in the morning. Enjoy your moments of fun…”

Therapist: Tell me about your biggest fear…

Me: My biggest fear…i don’t wanna be like her! That’s why it hurts so much every time he’s saying something about cheating. Cause i see the history repeating…and i don’t want…

T.: It’s alright, Cari…you need to cry out all the tears. History never repeats. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. This guilt is not yours…Leanne’s mistakes aren’t yours just like Ryan’s feelings of jealousy aren’t something you caused…you need to be free, to learn to free your soul from the burdens that doesn’t belongs to you…

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