Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Therapist: Tell me about limits, boundaries…

Me: That’s exactly the problem…i don’t have a clue about them, i don’t know how to set boundaries. I got my own set of values, that’s true, but i don’t know how to make others respect my values…

T.: There’s something in your voice that tells me: it’s not about “i don’t know”. It’s something different…

Me: It may be…Do you think i’m afraid to set boundaries? 

T.: Cari, the question is: Do You think is about being afraid? And if that’s true, we need to find out more about this fear. Close your eyes, think about a sequence from your past when someone broke your moral rules…feel the emotions associated with the event…

“He pulled her hair gently, kissing her lips with a passion and hunger that left her breathless. She moaned when he pulled her closer, pressing her body against his…Lost in his arms, the only place where her senses seemed to betray her…enjoying every touch, his smell, his hands…his mouth on her neck, slowly biting her skin in that sensitive spot…She felt her heart pounding and whispered his name. He looked in her eyes for a moment, caressing her face, her lips…She closed her eyes and he kissed her again…so slowly, so deep…feeling her sweet surrender, savoring the smell of her skin…

-Baby…you smell so good…like fresh roses…and your lips taste so sweet…i don’t ever want you to leave…ever again…

-I wont…this is where i belong, Alessio…you’re my love, my everything…

He took her in his arms, carrying her to the bedroom. She saw the flowers, all over the bedroom, roses, tulips, wild orchids…

-Amore…you did this for me…Oh, you’re amazing…Alessio, i love you so much…

He whispered “i love you too” and gently laid her on the bed, telling her that he has another surprise. She loved his playful smile. He took something from the desk and told her to close her eyes.

-Can i see? Please…pretty please…

-My sweet impatient little princess. Now! Open your eyes…do you like it?

-You framed it! The picture of us! Amore…it’s the most amazing picture i ever saw…And you engraved something on the silver frame: “Forever in love”.  Alessio…i…

-Do you love me? Baby, there is something…i’m struggling inside, i’m dying inside ever since that day…But you need to know…

She felt a cold shiver, like she always had every time she was thinking about that day, that night…And she started to cry without any reason. He kissed her eyes and she saw the guilt in his gaze.

-No…Amore, no…don’t tell me…Just hold me close, i wanna remember this feeling forever. Oh, Alessio, i’m so afraid…please, don’t tell me about that day…don’t…I’ll lose you…i know, i felt it…And i dreamed again with black flowers…every time i have this dream i’m losing someone…don’t let go of me…

-Baby…i did something terrible…

-No, you didn’t! Alessio…don’t say the words! I don’t remember about that day…Why do you need to tell me? Promise me…

He took a deep breath and looked into her eyes. Seeing her tears he thought for a minute to let all go. To love her and to forget…but all those sleepless nights and the guilt…But she wasn’t prepared to hear…he knew, so he smiled and kissed her again. When she felt more secure, he started to speak.

-Cari…i don’t wanna hurt you, so you can close your eyes and just lay here in my arms. Pretend that i’m telling you a fairy tale. It’s better this way, baby? Alright, let’s see…Once upon a time, there was an ugly guy…yes, ugly in his heart. No one liked him and he didn’t liked himself either…One day, he met a sweet princess. Sweet and innocent and very, very beautiful. With a shining heart. Just like you, baby…He wanted her. So much, so bad that he was willing to do anything to have her…He didn’t cared that he’ll break her shining heart. He only wanted for her to be his and to make sure she’ll never leave him…

She felt that cold shiver again and closed her eyes. He asked her if she’s alright and she nodded. He continued.

-…one day, he took the princess to his dark tower. He had a magic potion that made the princess fall asleep. He wanted for her to sleep because he needed to steal her shining heart…To wear it like it were his…But he saw her sleeping. She was so beautiful, so like an angel, smiling in her sleep…He couldn’t…But when she woke up, he made her believe that…that she’s just an ordinary girl…without a shining heart. She believed. She cried. I think that something died inside her. Now, the ugly guy is tormented by his own demons…He knows that she’ll never forgive him. How can you forgive a monster? Can you, Cari?

-Yes. I can…

She was so pale, trembling in his arms. Her fears, her doubts…the truth finally revealed. He took her hands, kneeling in front of her, kissing her fingers. Asking her again and again…

-Cari…there’s something terribly wrong about me. I don’t know why, i don’t know how to change it. You got every right to run scared…But if you’re staying with me…baby, nothing bad will ever touch your shining heart. I wont…

She pressed her fingers against his lips. Empty promises…

-Alessio, i can’t run scared…Where would i run? To whom? Don’t you see…The ugly man doesn’t need to steal…the princess will give her shining heart. Willingly and free…And I…I’m no princess and you’re not an ugly guy…The monsters are outside…not here, in your arms…I saw a real one in Paris and it was disguised, looking exactly like my mother…And another one in Palermo, looking exactly like my father…So…there’s no place for me…to run scared…so, just don’t break my heart…I’ll never understand why you did it…But here’s my reason (she showed him the picture) to try…To forgive…”.

Therapist: If you don’t play how they want you to play, they’ll leave…And that’s terrible for you.

Me: Dave…every time someone leaves me…i’m breaking all over again. You gotta help me to care less…I realize i need help, because i live my life, i’m building my self esteem depending on others. What they feel about me, defines me. And it’s not alright…Help me…

T.: I feel your desperation and these words…”i need help” are a major step…I don’t know if you can care less about others, but we’ll travel together on this journey…and at the and of the road we’ll make sure that you care more about yourself. You’re not alone anymore…

Advertisements