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In loving memory of Victoria, a sweet soul who left us too soon. May God keep your fragile heart in Eternal Love. May He, in His Mercy, heal your broken wings, so you can fly high to Heaven Above.

Therapist: You feel that you’ll never fall in love again? It sounds like you don’t give yourself any chance at all…

Me: I am in love. I’m so in love that it hurts inside. I understand…is not a healthy feeling…but i can’t stop feeling like this…

T.: Are you in love with Ryan? Or with this romantic image you still have in your mind? We talked about this…the beginning with Ryan was like a dream come true. But, Cari…the dream ended after a month…that’s what i understood from what you told me…

Me: Yes, the dream ended, my love didn’t…Unfortunately for me, now i know the truth…his truth…I can’t lie myself anymore. He doesn’t loves me…

T.: And you’re staying in this marriage because…

Me: Because my heart still beats faster every time he opens the door…because his words can still melt my soul and because…because i’m convinced that this script will repeat with another man…And i don’t want a life of tries…i want one love, one and only…

“The small white church seemed the only place where she could be. Kneeling in front of Saint Anthony’s statue,she tried to pray, but strange thoughts were bothering, mixing with her prayer. He said “please don’t go, don’t leave like that…”. She asked him smiling what did he meant. He looked down and told her that her calm is the calm before the storm. So she assured him that she’ll go straight to church and back into his arms. Now she wondered…

 Someone opened the door to the church. Again…the only thing she ever asked was a little privacy. To have a good conversation with God…She had so many things to say to Him. And now this old man…starring at her, with the obvious intention to talk to her.

-Signorina…i’m sorry to bother…do you know where is Padre Antonio? He told me to meet him for the baptism of my nephew. And i was waiting outside. Do you know if he’ll be back soon?

-No, i don’t know…i was waiting for him too. I’m sure he’ll be back any minute…

She was hoping that the old man will sit somewhere…far away from her. She was always polite to strangers, but this time…she just wanted a minute alone with God…No chance…the man continued to talk to her, like they were friends.

-My nephew is six weeks old. He’s the cutest little boy you’ll ever see! Every time he hears my voice he starts to smile. My wife is crazy about him. His name is Victor. Our little victory…From his mother…the name and the smile. Oh, now i see you have a blue Rosary…that’s exactly the color of blue i was searching. Light blue…like my little Victor’s eyes. See (he showed her his tie) ? My wife makes me wear it cause it has the same color with the Rosary we’re searching. It’s easier to explain to people…Can i look closer?

She thought that this must be the strangest conversation she ever had. And all she wanted…Oh, Lord…i guess You’re too busy for me, right? So you just keep sending me all those…She didn’t finished the thought…She immediately apologized to God (in her mind) for judging. Padre Antonio taught her to never judge. She decided to follow her inner voice (and her curiosity) and to be kind. The man gave her the Rosary back. For the first time since he came, she looked deep in his eyes. To feel…like she used to do when she was a child. Like her grandmother always said “use the eyes of your heart and you’ll know everything…the good, the bad…the people you’re safe with and the ones you must avoid…”. But she was taught that it’s impolite to stare…

-Can i ask you something? I’m sorry if i’m offending you, but i felt there’s so much sadness. Is about the Rosary? You lost something or someone…

She immediately blushed seeing him so shocked. “God! Me and my big mouth! Oh, Lord of Mercy…why do You let me put myself in these embarrassing situations? Now he’ll think i’m crazy, he’ll tell all about to Padre Antonio…I shocked the poor man…”.

-I lost Victoria…My daughter…she lost the battle.

-Oh…i’m so sorry…Victor’s mother? She was sick? I’m sorry, i shouldn’t…

-No, Signorina…don’t apologize. People are avoiding us because they’re afraid they’ll say something wrong. And is heartbreaking…Victoria wasn’t sick…she was beautiful, intelligent, generous. She used to help others and she was always giving all…We were always fighting about this. I used to say to her: Vicky, stop being like this! You’re too good and people doesn’t deserve…She was upset, but she kept forgiving me. My Angel…Too sensitive and too sweet. And she had faith…a kind of faith i never saw in anyone and i’ll never see…She liked blue because is the color of the sky. That’s why at the baptism everything will be blue…the candles, the clothes, the invitations…for her, for my Victoria.

She had tears in her eyes. She was trying hard not to cry…”Oh, God…and i was judging him…Help him…”. The man continued.

-Postpartum depression they said…I said she died from broken heart. I wanted to kill him…yes, Victor’s father, her boyfriend. But she wrote me that letter asking me to forgive him. And to forgive her. How could you forgive an angel? No…she was supposed to forgive us! And this cold expression…”she took her life”. She didn’t took her life! She never took anything. From no one…we only taught her to give. She gave her own life, she went to a place where she’s finally safe. My sweet little girl…17 years of pure joy for us…

-17 years? She was 17? Oh, God…

-You’re 17 too, right? I can feel you have a good heart…just like she had…You must be in high school. The best age, the best years. What’s your name? Carissa, so beautiful, your parents must be very proud and happy to have you. But you’re focusing on school…on learning and you’ll go to College…Boys can wait…My Victoria dreamed of being a teacher, she loved children…Carissa, i’m sorry…i’m keeping you busy and i think that Padre Antonio is not coming after all…

She couldn’t say anything. Victoria’s story, her story…same page on different books of life…She hugged him. He was shocked first but he accepted the hug.

-Thank you, Carissa. It helped…talking to you and this hug. Would you come to the baptism? I think that Victoria would invite you, if she were here. You would be best friends…You helped me…

-I’d be honored to join you and your family to little Victor’s baptism. I’ll be there…And…here, this is for Victor. You don’t have to search anymore, it’s yours. I think that Victoria made it possible…please, tell me you’ll accept it.

His hands were trembling as he took the blue Rosary. Saying thank you with a strangled voice, almost like he were saying i’m sorry. Then he left…

“My Heavenly Father…i asked You for a minute alone with You and You gave me so much more…I wanted to claim, i wanted to shout, to ask you to heal my heart, but You knew better what i truly need. Thank you, Lord…Now i know You never left me alone…Please, keep Victoria’s soul in Your arms, give her the feeling of safety and love, like she always dreamed to have. Like i dream to have…one day.”.

Therapist: You settle for less than you deserve…

Me: Dave, there are losses that cannot be replaced, mistakes that cannot be repaired, wounds that will never heal…My love for Ryan, even if is one sided, even if is an obsession…my love will never become a loss, a mistake, a wound…

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