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Therapist: You’re quiet today…you tried to talk to Ryan about your feelings?

Me: Yes…in vain…he’s very calm till i say something and then…he just explodes and refuses any kind of conversation.

T.: How do you feel when he reacts like this?

Me: Betrayed…i understand his need of having “things” under control, but he’s incapable of controlling his own behavior…And i feel scared, cause it’s like i’m losing him…So, i guess it’s better to left things unsaid…at least he’s happy and maybe i should just settle with this…

“She took the small round mirror out of her purse. Great…she thought and almost pronounced the word with an undisguised self-irony. Now i gotta do it all over again…the black mascara on my cheeks looks fabulous…that’s what i deserve for being a crying baby! A touch of blush, perfume on her neck…wiping away the signs of crying. No more! But Victoria’s story was still painfully fresh in her mind. No more! I’m strong, cause being weak will get me killed! She smiled the perfect smile in the mirror.

-What are you whispering about? Sweetie! Carissa, come here, let me give you a hug! A few weeks without seeing you…

-Matteo…

There he was, in front of his expensive car, acting like nothing ever happen between them. Like they were best buddies! She tried to feel anger but the joy of seeing him overwhelmed her. She rushed in his arms, holding him tight.

-I missed you…How’s Luisa? And Mario? And…

She was going to ask about him and his new girlfriend, but he stopped her.

-Not here, sweetie, let’s go to a nice restaurant, i didn’t had lunch…we’ll talk there.

-I can’t…i gotta hurry cause i promised to Alessio…

He took her by her shoulders and opened the door to his car. Her first thought was “how dare he! he’s always telling me what to do, i hate this!” but she had to recognize…the feeling was somehow good…

-You can and you will, Carissa. We’ll go to the restaurant and we’ll have lunch together. And i don’t wanna hear Alessio’s name cause i’ll lose my appetite…Understood?

She nodded feeling exactly like a child…It felt good…after all the adult decisions she needed to make…to finally be like a child. She was still meditating about the subject when they arrived at the restaurant. He ordered food asking her what she likes. She said “whatever” trying to sound cool and calm. She wasn’t…

-Sweetie, Luisa misses you so much. You need to stop by more often…

-You know exactly, Matteo, why i can’t come to visit your parents. And i miss them terribly…But you told me to keep a distance, to let them get close to your girlfriend. Is unfair, is selfish, i don’t like the situation, but if you said so…I have no choice, do i? I always did what you told me!

He started to laugh so hard, it made her laugh too…the tension between them vanished like it never was…

-Oh, sweetie…i forgot how to talk to you. Now eat. Even rebel angels need food from time to time…

-Matti…how is she?…

He took a deep breath and fixed her with his gaze. She blushed under his gaze and, without knowing why, she looked down.

-Carissa, she’s not you. She’s what i need right now. That’s all.

-And you’re happy with her? Luisa likes her? Why did you…

-Too many questions. Eat the food and we’ll talk. I know you need some answers and you’ll have them. But first, eat.

His tone didn’t leaved place for comments. She thought she should get up and leave, but something about him fascinated her. They finished the desert and he started to talk.

-Sweetie, things had evolved pretty fast…we’re thinking of engagement. Carissa?

She hided her disappointment and faked a smile.

-Congratulations. If you’re happy, that’s all that matters. Now i gotta go…thank you for inviting me here…

-Sit down. I heaven’t finished talking to you. See? That was always our problem…you can’t do what you’re told to do…And that’s exactly what i need. Not to explain, not to convince…i need someone who can follow instructions. Someone who can let me have the control. Like in a dance…is always one partner who leads and one who follows. Our problem was that i tried to dance with you and you just couldn’t stand it…

Her eyes were throwing green flashes toward him. She looked at him and tried to control her tone.

-No. Our problem was…and it still is…that you’re a bad person! Yes…cause you’re always talking to me in a way that makes me feel inferior…I think you hate me…and i done nothing wrong. It’s because you’re a bad person…

She started to cry and he suddenly took her in his arms.

-Sweetie…i’m not a bad person…how can you say this? And how can you say that i hate you? After all we’ve been trough. It just that i have more experience and i know when things doesn’t work…I love your strong personality, you’re funny and sweet when you have this attitude…but in long term…

-What? You think i can’t make you happy in long term?

-I think that I can’t make You happy in long term, Carissa…What’s normal to me is taboo for you…So, tell me…if i’ll ask you to turn your taboos into normality…to make a law out of them and to let yourself be guided by that law…could you do it? Happily? Free? Satisfied? See, sweetie…

-I could do it…i could follow some law if it’s made out of love…Come on! I dare you! Tell me to do something and i’ll do it!

He smiled.

-Here you go again…ordering me, leading the dance…I’m done…i don’t know how to explain it to you anymore…

-Coward…Matti is a coward! He’s afraid to give me orders cause i may follow them!

She was laughing but he became serious. He took her face into his hands. Looking deep into her eyes, he spoke very calm.

-Stop it. Be quiet. Good…Now close your eyes…Run the tip of your tongue on your upper lip. Slowly and discreet. Again. Now bite gently and slowly your bottom lip. Good…Keep your eyes closed. Now open your mouth like you were pronouncing my name. Now just stay still and relaxed.

She thought that everything is a game and she followed the instructions just to show him…But things were getting dangerously serious and his kiss took her by surprise. She almost moaned forgetting she’s in a restaurant…forgetting she should stay quiet and still. It was something different…She remembered the tenderness from his other kisses. She remembered how she loved the feeling, but not the kiss itself…Now was different…like her body was reacting while her mind and heart just closed up…It wasn’t how she expected to be. It was pure desire…but it wasn’t love. And now she knew…

-Matteo…

-How do you feel, Carissa? You’re always surprising me…And you did a great job following instructions. So, you can but you don’t want to…

-Oh, just let me…i’m tired of instruction, i’m sick of following orders. I can’t do it, Matteo, you’re right, we’re better as simple friends…And i’m in love with Alessio! My God…Alessio! He’s waiting for me!

She almost ran outside. Running from her own madness. Orders, instructions, control…and where’s love? She was angry with herself! Again…she willingly took part of this sick game. She convinced herself that she needed to do that in order to be sure…that she and Matteo cannot be more than friends…never…”.

Therapist: How was it years after…when you and Matteo were in a serious relationship?

Me: It was…boring…He was pretending to care, i was pretending to be happy. No one gave orders and no one obeyed…i guess no one cared enough…

T.: And now…did taboos became your law?

Me: No…at least not this type of taboos…But if lack of love and communication is a taboo, and it is!, then is true…they became my law…

 

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