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Therapist: Do you realize that you’re taking a step back? 

Me: Think so, Dave? I feel like i’m taking a step for…becoming more aware of my emotions. Realizing that i can’t expect from Ryan to save me from my own self destructive behavior. Or to give me all the love that, initially, i needed to get from my parents…it’s not fair to him…

T.: Are you sure you’re becoming more aware? We talked about your fear of being left alone, abandoned. You were making progresses…in accepting the unavoidable…your marriage with Ryan and your feeling of being unloved…And now it feels like you’re at the ground zero…annulling every step forward, every purpose…

Me: Who’s purpose? Mine or yours? I’m sorry, Dave, but i’ll be honest…i know i can be frustrating, but i feel like the end of my marriage with Ryan became your own personal issue…I feel you’re angry with me and i’m responding with the same feeling. Is this just my imagination? I’m sorry if i’m way of base here…

T.: No…it’s not just your imagination. And we need to discuss this, because i may not be the right therapist for you…

 “He was holding her face in his hands looking into her eyes with that piercing gaze…

-Say it again. You were having lunch with Matteo while i was waiting for you. Like a fool…What do you think, Carissa? I’m your clown?!!

-It was just a lunch, for God’s sake! I’m not a criminal, i didn’t cheated you, i just had lunch!

-You just had lunch…And where did he took you for lunch? The most expensive restaurant in Rome, i suppose…Of course, his money are better than my efforts to cook a decent meal for you!

She tried to keep her calm thinking that maybe he’s right. Seeing him so angry she felt the need to protect him. From his own inner demons. She came closer and tried to hug him. He distanced himself from her.

-Alessio, amore mio…let’s eat, it smells fantastic and i bet is delicious. I didn’t eat that much at the restaurant and i’m a little hungry…Please, amore…I can feel you’re so tense, forgive me for being late…You were in my mind all the time…

She was touching his shoulders, caressing his back, touching his curled hair. When she tried to touch his face he suddenly grabbed her both hands. She felt the pressure and tried to remain calm but the panic was building up inside her.

-You’re hurting me…Stop…

-Am i? Really? Oh, so sorry…i’m hurting the little princess here…Don’t touch me, Carissa…i mean it…cause i swear i could…

She didn’t knew what to do. He was so angry, unrecognizable and scary…but she felt guilty. She looked at the kitchen…the chocolate mousse ornate with orange slices. She felt extremely sad…And in spite of his warning, she touched him again, trying to sound as sweet as possible.

-You made chocolate mousse for me…Alessio, i’m terribly sorry…look, i’ll do anything to make it right between us. I made a mistake…i’m sorry…please, let’s just eat the desert…we can eat in the bedroom, if you’d like…

Her desperation had the opposite effect. He turned his face and she sensed something cold in his eyes. Cold and dark and mean.

-Yes, you made a mistake…and someone saw you. A friend of mine. See…i was trying to make a romantic lunch here. Yes, i know i’m stupid. So, i was arranging the orange slices on this f…cking mousse…when he called me. He said “your girl is kissing some guy in the restaurant”. I didn’t believed…i didn’t wanted to believe. Lucky with my friend here (he pointed the bottle of scotch)…i made it trough…

-Ohhhh…you were drinking…let me go…

She wanted to leave but he was holding her very tight. He took the chocolate mousse with the other hand.

-Not so fast, missy…you said you want desert. In the bedroom? Why not here, on the kitchen floor? A little dirt wouldn’t be a problem to you…You, little princess, you need a lesson…Want some desert?…

He smashed the glass boll on the kitchen floor. The noise, the chocolate all over the kitchen, broken glass…She started to cry and he pushed her away. She felt.

She realized he’s starring at her. When he tried to touch her, she was convinced he’s gonna hit her. She closed her eyes. It seemed forever…he was cleaning her face with a wet towel. Incredibly gentle…She thought that the chocolate mousse should be colder…but she felt something warm on her hands,arms, legs…

-Baby, don’t move…Press here…i’ll get you another towel. I didn’t meant for this to happen, you gotta believe me. Do you believe me, don’t you? Cari, baby…do you believe me? I never wanted to hurt you like this…No, don’t be afraid, God…what have i done?

She opened her eyes and the pain became steaming…The towel she was holding had long traces of red…and then she saw…blood on her hands and on her legs. She felt on broken glass. The whole picture seemed taken from a crime scene. And the blood wouldn’t stop. She started to cry hysterical…

He took her in his arms.

-Don’t cry…baby, it’s not that bad, just a few scratches. We’ll clean them and tomorrow you’ll be as good as new. You’re gonna be alright…

-No, i wont…i’ll never be alright…”.

Therapist: I’ll give you the phone number from a colleague of mine, a highly qualified therapist…

Me: No, Dave…i don’t think i have the strength to tell the story all over again to someone new. And i trusted you…i still trust you.

T.: Cari, i explained my reasons to you. I know you feel like i’m abandoning you, i understand this. But it’s obvious for both of us that you cannot be my client anymore.

Me: Can i be your friend then?

… 

 

 

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