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Me: And he was saying that is better this way…that he’s leaving me cause i’m too involved and we were supposed to have fun…and i ruined everything cause i felt in love…And i was crying so hard, trying to stop him from leaving…And then i woke up…in tears.

Dave: A strong message in your dream…did you interpreted the dream like a warning sign?

Me: You know i did…Tell me, Dave…why are people like that? Why are they pushing away true feelings…true love? Why are they hiding from their own feelings? 

Dave: People? All the people in the world are like that, Cari? Or just one? The One? Unfortunately…you see in him the only one…

Me: I was wrong to generalize…Alright, The One…but what is this saying about me? Am i that desperate?

Dave: No…desperation isn’t the right word. You’re that scared…so scared to love that you’re making the worst choices deliberately…so it wont be your fault when he’s leaving…

“The convent had white walls and a small garden in the back yard. The spring break was almost over and she was tired. Working day light…cleaning, painting walls, cooking for elders…but her favorite chores were in the garden. And today, on her birthday she was planning to plant all the yellow roses…she imagined the light and she smiled.

Sister Mary approached her holding a big drawn with all the colors…little hearts and smiles all over the page. She hugged Sister Mary with affection and love.

-Thank you! It’s the most beautiful gift i ever got…please tell the children that i love them!

-Happy Birthday, Carissa. They wanted to give you this…what you did for them was amazing. The party, the cake…everything. We’ll never forget…And the work you put here, on our humble home…God bless you, child!

-I’m the grateful one…i wont ever forget how you offered me a shelter…a bed and food…when i had no other option. And it was the best therapy…working here…i’ll visit you every weekend during school time…

Sister Mary smiled and hugged her again. The warmth in her eyes was all she ever needed.

-Tell me, Carissa…how do you feel? How do you really feel? We tried…my heart broke every night hearing you crying in your sleep…Padre Antonio told me about what happened…I just wondered…maybe all you need is to go home…be with your parents and with your brothers. You’re 18…you can make your own choices now…but deep inside your heart…Carissa, every child needs to be with his mother…especially on his birthday…

She looked down. There were no simple answers. No answers at all. Suddenly she realized she’s carrying the wrong set of seeds…

-Sister Mary! What have i done! I ruined the garden…i ruined everything! I heaven’t checked…here…it’s written clearly…white tulips…oh, i should had planted yellow roses. How can i be so stupid? I destroyed…

She started to cry so hard…all the repressed tears, all the nightmares…The loneliness inside her, the abuses, the lost friendships…feeling like an orphan…She just collapsed…falling down in tears. Sister Mary took her in her arms and talked to her like she were talking to a scared little girl.

-It’s alright…Carissa…God doesn’t mind, we wont mind neither. But you need to cry all these tears. It’s alrigth, child…You’re safe…you’re so loved…me, all the Sisters, the children from the orphanage, the elders you cooked for, Padre Antonio…We all love you. And God loves you, He took care of you when you were lonely. He brought you here…

-Do you think…my mom would want to see me? My dad…oh, i said terrible things to him…i threatened him…He told me i have no home anymore…i’m an orphan…terrible words. And now…

-But you’re not an orphan, Carissa. Your parents are alive…Your mother and your father…Go home, child…You’ll always have God by your side…but your parents wont be forever with you…Forgive them and ask them to forgive you. Don’t be afraid…God will hold your hand all the way…

She wanted to thank Sister Mary for the sweet words…but she heard steps. There were Luisa with Mario…and Matteo. With their arms filled with balloons, gift boxes, a chocolate cake. Luisa gave her the warmest hug…like only a mother could give…

-Figlia mia! What is this craziness? You’re living in a convent when you should stay with us on your spring break! And you’re working…oh, figlia…you lost weight…No…that’s outrageous…you’re coming with us…Cari, my sweet…forgive me…Happy Birthday! You’re finally 18 so your parents wont have any legal right over your life…Now pack your bags…You’re coming home…

She looked desperate at Matteo. He just smiled a little amused.

-Mother…Carissa is 18 and you’re treating her like she were 5! Let her stay wherever she feels comfortable. She knows she’s always welcomed in our home. Right, Carissa? (she nodded) Now, mother…father…i wanna have a word in private with the birthday girl.

They left commenting all the way about how Padre Antonio is out of his mind for letting her in the convent. Matteo took her hand and leaded her in a corner of the garden. He took her face in his hands.

-Happy Birthday sweetie! Look at me…your eyes have that special green. You were crying…Why?

-Oh…nothing important. I planted the wrong seeds in the garden and we’ll have white tulips instead of yellow roses…and…

He took a deep breath.

-Alright…let’s try again. Carissa, sweetie, why were you crying? And i want the truth this time. No, don’t look down…Sweetie…it can’t be that bad…come on, i’m here…i wont leave you. Tell me what’s wrong.

The words “i wont leave you” brought the tears back. She was fighting her own feelings but emotions overwhelmed her.

-Matti…i’m sorry…Matteo…i know you don’t like when i’m calling you Matti…I wanna go home. Not at your parents home…home in Palermo. I wanna try…i love them…my parents…and they must love me, cause i’m their child. Right? I’m going home…

He took her in his arms and held her very tight. She felt safe…He let her loose and caressed her hair.

-Sweet child…this is a big mistake. Remember…i made a deal with your father. You are safe as long as you’re staying away from Palermo. Carissa…i know is painful, but you’re father isn’t playing. He was extremely serious. And i heard you threatened him with some information you have about his business…Sweetie, do you realize what you did? The danger you put yourself in? He wont have any problem with hurting you, if it will come to that…

She thought that nothing can hurt her anymore. The hurt inside her was more than she could bare.

-Don’t worry, Matteo, i’ll be safe. God will hold my hand all the way trough…I’m going there to apologize and to see my parents. To tell them that i love them…

He looked in her eyes with an incredible sadness.

-Carissa…God wont hold your hand…God wont stop a bullet…God wont even cure you if you get sick…And, believe me…He wont melt your father’s heart…

-He will.

Matteo continued like he wouldn’t hear her.

-But I will. If you go…i’m going with you. And i don’t wanna hear any comment! I’ll hold your hand…

-But…your fiance…you’re engaged…what will she say…about…

-What have i told you? Not a single comment! We’re going to Palermo…God…i hate Palermo! We’re leaving tomorrow morning. You, sweet 18 years old child, you will see your parents even if after…God have mercy on your soul!

She jumped with joy. Kissing him on the cheek. He started to laugh seeing her so happy. The best birthday gift…”.

Me: I was convinced he’s overreacting…unfortunately he was right. Not about the bullet…God forbid! About melting my father’s heart…

Dave: Your father…your first impossible love. And is hard to accept it…so you keep on searching, you keep on looking for impossible relationship…to make them possible…to prove to yourself that you’re worthy of love…

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