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Me: …because he likes me more when i’m happy.

Dave: So you keep yourself busy…so you wont be able to get in touch with your real emotions. Because these negative emotions could be devastating not only to you, but also to your marriage. 

Me: Come on, Dave! You’re a guy…could you love a woman who’s always complaining? Or a woman who’s always asking for more…more affection, more time, more tenderness…I guess no one could…

Dave: I couldn’t love a woman who’s saying that everything’s alright while she’s feeling trapped. And i couldn’t love a woman who’s pretending to be alright while she’s dying inside. More…i think that she couldn’t love herself either. 

Me: That’s cruel…I’m assuming my own feelings! I’m not blaming him…

Dave: Are you? It seems like you’re running away. From your marriage, from your real life…

“She was playing with her spoon making “that” noise. It was 3 in the morning and the hot soup made her feel sleepy. Matteo asked her what is she thinking about.

-The doctor…at 2 in the night was a bit of overreacting from your part. Don’t you think, Matteo? He only said what i knew he’ll say: there’s nothing wrong with me, just a little anemia, but there’s no cure for this…And he said that chicken soup will do wonders. It did! I’m…much better…

-Sweetie…a chicken soup will not heal the wounds you’re hiding inside…Only time will…Now…i see you have eaten your soup. Good girl. Put your night gown or…whatever you’re wearing when you’re sleeping…brush your teeth and…up in bed!

She looked down very blushed and embarrassed.

-You’re treating me like a child…maybe i deserve it, but…

-You are a child…in many aspects you’re still a child. A brave child who’s struggling with the problems of an grown up…That’s why…Carissa, i want you to make an extra effort…to grow up a little. You have to think like an adult, to feel like a woman…to be more than this sweet little girl…

She said nothing. Her dream of being in her old room…the coldness of the hotel room was overwhelming. She felt like crying but she remembered that he asked her not to cry anymore.

-Matteo…

She took his hand and placed it on her cheek…feeling so lonely and lost…

-What’s wrong, sweetie?

-No…nothing’s wrong…i just…can i sleep here? In your room? With you…can i?

He smiled and took her in his arms. The warmth of his body made her feel safe.

-Why, Carissa? Is there anything wrong with your room? You know…is right next to mine…and we can talk on the phone…

-But there’s sand in my bed! I put sand…by mistake…and…and…

-And there’s also a monster under the bed, another one in the closet…It’s late, sweetie…go to bed, i’ll wake you up early in the morning.

She realized she’ll be ridiculous if she’s going to insist. But the loneliness inside her was too hard to handle. She started to cry while she opened the door. He took her hand and leaded her back in his room.

-Big girls don’t cry! Look, sweetie…here is only one bed. I don’t need to explain myself to you…do i? Do you know what i’m talking about? Carissa?

-You’re talking about…i’m sorry, i really don’t know…

-When you said you wanna sleep with me…did you meant sleep? Or more…Come on! Don’t make me spell it…is not like you heaven’t done it before…

The truth hit her like a cold stone in her face. Of course…there’s always a price to pay…She thought about telling him the truth…that she heaven’t done it before…but she was afraid he’ll despise her…

-Sweetie…you’re starring at that wall for minutes. So, how is it going to be? You wanna have sex?

-Do i have to?

He wasn’t expecting to hear this. He looked deep in her eyes and smiled. Still holding her hand, he kissed her fingers.

-Well…what kind of man would i be? Here you are, looking at me with your big green eyes, like a scared and lost child. Your hands are trembling and you’re asking me with this sweet voice of yours…if you really have to…Ohhhhh…sweetie, i will be the perfect gentleman…No, you don’t have to. It would be nice, but…Relax, i’m joking. You’re crying again…

-I’m s…sorry…

He kissed her on the cheek.

-No…i’m sorry. Is late and it was a hard day for you. I’m sorry for putting any pressure on you. You’re afraid to sleep alone, sweetie? But why?

-Cause…i’m afraid i’ll woke up and…like it happened to me before…something strange and dark took control and i just wanted to die…and i’m afraid i’ll feel it again…and you wont be there to rescue me…No one cares for me, Matteo…only you…that’s why i said it…sex…i’ll do it if you want me…just don’t leave me alone…

He look at her with a very serious expression, almost severe.

-Carissa, don’t talk like this. And don’t you ever do this again. Offering yourself like that…you deserve respect but first you need to respect yourself…So, tell me…the right side of my bed sounds ok to you? Or…what other arrangements do you have in mind?

-I thought…maybe you could hold me for a while…just hold me and all my demons will be gone…

-Do you trust me about making all your demons be gone ?(she said yes) But why, sweet child? Why do you trust me like you do?

He was holding her so tight and she closed her eyes and smiled.

-Cause…Matteo…you brought me chicken soup at 3 in the morning. And you’re nice to me…Can i sleep in your arms?

She didn’t heard the answer…her eyes closed by themselves…she dreamed about big waves, about being cradled in someone’s arms…and (that seemed so real) the words “i wont leave you alone”…”.

Me: It was one of the most intimate experiences i ever had…just sleeping in his arms. It gave me strength…

Dave: He said something important about respecting yourself…

Me: I believed him…i never did it again…offering my body for affection or love…

Dave: I don’t wanna sound cruel…but Cari…you’re not offering sex for affection anymore…now is much worse and much more dangerous…because you’re offering your heart…

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