Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Me: To be honest…you’re helping me so much more since we’re meeting outside therapy…you’re very good as therapist, but…

Dave: But you like me more as your friend? 

Me: I like you more and i like our relationship more…Because before…i felt like i’m being pressured to progress somehow. I know it wasn’t your intention, but that’s how i felt it. And there’s something else too…about breaking boundaries…

Dave: We broke a few and i assume the responsibility. It’s important for me, as your friend, to make sure you’re going to another therapist. Someone who could help you.

Me: Why? I’m fine, Dave. I don’t have nightmares anymore. I accepted that the lack of affection in my childhood is not something that a man, any man could heal. I’m assuming my wounds and i’m walking with my head high. Without asking anything more from Ryan…

Dave: You don’t remember your nightmares anymore. You settled with the emptiness of your relationship with Ryan because you don’t think you can have more. You never assumed the light you’re carrying…because you’re blinded by your own sorrow…

Take his hand in yours and feel it. His darkness will appear in your mind as coldness. Use the golden light to warm his heart but be careful…Angelito, remember to be humble and to ask for help. Because believing that you’re invincible is what brought you here in the first place…Don’t play, never play…darkness will let you think that you’re winning. No one wins…but Love will guard your soul till you’re on a safer ground. Now go! One more thing…don’t come back here! It’s not your home…yet!

She opened her eyes. Still feeling, still hearing the soft voice and the touch of her grandmother. The dream was strange, but the sensation of being safe and loved…and healed at the same time. Her swollen ankle…she smiled feeling so much better than last night. Touched by an angel…

She rushed to the kitchen to see him. He was talking on the phone and the subject seemed serious.

-Alright…that’s a small fortune but…alright. Give her the money and make sure she’s out of town in a week. And about the charges…oh, yes…i know we have a connection there. And there’s always a plan B. No, she doesn’t know…Thank you, i’m waiting for your call. Bye.

-Matteo…

He took her in his arms, like he heaven’t saw her in weeks. Holding her so tight and with so much love…she believed for a brief moment that the other day was nothing but a nightmare.

-Sweetie, how do you feel? Come here, let me look at your ankle. Does it hurts?

-I dreamed about Heaven. And my grandmother was telling me something…but i can’t remember. And i woke up healed. And hungry! Wow…the french toast and boiled eggs with tomato juice…and you arrange them so beautiful on the plate…Matteo, thank you!

He smiled, helping her to sit. He looked very preoccupied.

-About last night…Carissa, i couldn’t sleep. I just watched you sleeping and i massaged your ankle and i put some ice. Don’t you remember? You were smiling in your sleep…

-Because i was dreaming about Heaven! And now i don’t have any doubt anymore…than Heaven exists! But why…why couldn’t you sleep?

-I just…i thought about you, about us…It felt good to watch you smiling…at some point you opened your eyes and you looked at me. You were dreaming something…it feels so god to touch you without feeling you’re panicked…

She took his hand and touched his face. The lack of sleep was visible in his eyes.

-I remember. You touched my neck last night and you asked me something. I said the wrong answer and you pressed a little harder your fingers on my neck. I couldn’t breath and i thought…Matteo, why? Why do you do this to me?

-I don’t know…that’s how i am…I wont do it anymore.

-Do you want me to love you? Or do you want me to run away? Believe me, you can hold me as tight as you can…you can even put iron chains around me…i can still run away. I’m running inside my mind…

-Yes. You did it before. And i can’t follow you there. I don’t know, Carissa…i don’t know how to be with you. I’m not a bad person and i love you…but i keep losing you. And i screw things really bad yesterday. Not only with you…You were right…i killed that baby. I had no feelings for him, no love, no regrets, no nothing…I still can’t see him as a human being. As a baby. I don’t know why…but last night i felt like crying. You were sleeping and i didn’t wanted to awake you…i cried silently, in the pillow. Carissa…when i kissed you and you froze…it was so obvious that you’re afraid. And when you said “i love you” and you were trembling and it was obvious that you think i’ll hurt you…

He stopped, covering his face with his hands. She wanted to touch him but he turned around.

-Matteo…let me do something, please. We cannot change yesterday…but i can love you. And you can love me, without hurting me. Come here…you’re not like this…you didn’t pulled me out of the water just to watch me dying slowly in your arms, right? Let me be with you…really be with you…

She put her arms around him, caressing his hair, his face, trying to comfort him. Trying to look at him like to a lost and wounded friend. He started to kiss her…small kisses on her cheeks, on her eyes, on her lips…

-I am very sorry for yesterday, Carissa. For everything i did yesterday. I wish i could erase it from my history…The way i feel with you…oh, sweetie…you gotta swear you’ll always be like this…

-You mean…in my pajamas, a swollen ankle, feeling a bit dizzy cause i’m terribly hungry, not to mention my hair…

He kissed her and laugh.

-This sweet…looking this perfect, loving me…Even if i’m a control freak, even if i disappointed you, even if you’re hurt inside…you saw the worst of me and you’re still in my arms…you didn’t gave up…So, swear it to me! Swear that you’ll be mine forever!

-And you said no pressures…hmmmm…Alright! I swear! Now, can i eat? Me hungry…

-You hungry…Carissa, if you say one more sweet thing and if you look at me one more time like you just did…yes, like this, like i were the only guy on earth…I will search for those iron chains and tie you to my heart forever…”.

Dave: You’re unbelievable!

Me: Dave, why are you so angry? You know i hate irony…

Dave: Tell me, Cari? How can you blind yourself the way you do? So easily…Forgiveness, tolerance, gentleness…sounds good, till you use them to cover your blindness and your fear of making changes…And the saddest thing here…we’re not talking about saving someone’s soul…We’re talking about abuse, violence and control…

Advertisements