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Me: If he were here, in front of me, i know i’d have a hard time looking in his eyes. I feel extremely guilty, Dave. I thought it would be easier, but the hurt and the anger i caused are haunting me.

Dave: Cari, we talked about this long time ago. When you came to me and told me how angry you are and how you want him to swallow his words…

Me: I remember…you told me that i’ll get hurt too. I loved him and i hated him at the same time…Yesterday i finally realized that my love for him died long time ago. Along with my anger. I forgave him for the cruelty of his words, but…

Dave: But you couldn’t love him anymore. Cari, just tell him the truth. Tell him how he hurt you, how you cried because of him. Let him say he’s sorry, end it without resentments and move on. Both of you…

Me: Never. I will never tell him the truth! Despite of all my regrets…

“They were whispering but she could hear them. She slowly opened her eyes, in time to catch their last sentences.

-Teenagers in our days…are much more stressed than we used to be. Parents can’t find time, Internet fills their minds with poison, school fails in offering them real models…And it’s such a shame…For example, look at her…only 18 and she’s overwhelmed with problems. If you care for her health of mind, try to give her stability, calm…i can see you love her, but love is not enough when you’re facing psychosis…

-She’s not psychotic…she just had a bad day and part of it is my fault…

-Blaming yourself for her problems is not the best way of helping her. Anyway, is a good thing that you brought her here. I have to go to see other patients. I want you to call me to evaluate her when she’ll wake up.

She heard the door and felt the touch of his hands. She tried to take away her hands but she couldn’t move, something was blocking her moves. Terrified, she opened her eyes. Aware of her situation, remembering the events, too scared to talk and unable to move…

-Good morning, Carissa. It was a long night…How do you feel? I’m glad to see you more calm and relaxed…

-Why…why are my hands tied to the bed?

-You struggled in your sleep…and they were afraid you’ll hurt yourself. Just stay calm, the nurse will come in a few minutes.

-I wanna go home. Matteo, please…I heard you talking to the doctor. You know i’m not psychotic! Tell them to let me go home…You and the doctor…she seemed to know you. Tell her…please, i wont cause you problems, i just wanna go home…

He looked down. When he tried to touch her hair she froze.

-The doctor is a friend of my family, she knows me since i was a kid. I could talk to her…Ohhhh, sweetie…Why didn’t you told me? Things would had been so different if you’d just had been honest…I never imagined that you…And i’m terribly sorry for the pain i caused you…i promise you it will be better in time…I love you and i’m ready to assume my responsibility…

-Your responsibility? You mean that…you’ll go to the Police and declare the truth?

He smiled at her. His words were so convincing, ironically convincing.

-Sweetie…i regret not handling better your situation…but you weren’t quit honest…Still, being your first makes me feel responsible and i want to take our relationship to another level. I know that you’re young, very young…but you’ll graduate in a year…And a wedding takes time to be planned…

She started to cry desperately.

-Carissa, sweetie…if you cry like that…they may keep you here and you don’t want this, right? Let me help you with the restrains (he untied her hands). Now you’re more calm…Sweetie, you don’t have to be afraid of me…i know that your first time was a little…rough…but the pain will pass and you’ll find pleasure in having sex…Now i’m gonna search for the doctor to get you out of here faster. Here…you have a few missed calls on my cellphone. Your mother. Why don’t you call her?

She looked at him disgusted but she took the phone like a child who takes his favorite toy. She decided to tell the truth to her mother and she imagined her reaction. The shock, the anger…but they will help her because they are her parents. Her hands were shaking and the tremble in her voice was clear.

-Mom?

-Cari, honey…what in the world happened to you? Are you crying?

-Mommy…i was…i was…abused…and i’m in a hospital…i need you, mom…i’m all alone and he…

She imagined her mother’s reaction. She was sorry for the pain her parents will feel…but she needed help. After a few moments, her mother was able to talk.

-Who abused you, honey? Because when your father will hear about it…

-Matteo did…(she chocked in her tears)

-Carissa, that’s impossible! I just talked to that nice young man an hour ago. He told me that you and him had a fight…he also told me that he’s feeling responsible because you started your sex life with him…and that he’s planning on proposing you as soon as you’ll graduate…He’s very mature and reliable, unlike you. By the way…your father is still upset with you, so the news about your sex life…you better keep them to yourself…

-Mom, you’re not listening! I didn’t started my sex life…he forced me…How can you doubt me…you’re my mother!

-Carissa…It just doesn’t make sense, that’s all. Did he forced you to be his girlfriend? Did he forced you to spend hours with him in his apartment? Yes, i know all about this…The thing is…now you’re regretting taking this step and you’re blaming him. Well, honey, consider yourself lucky…he’s in love with you and if you’re smart…you’ll have the life of a princess…Carissa…Cari, don’t you dare close the ph…

The doctor came in with Matteo. She tried to be calm even if she was devastated inside. The doctor smiled at her.

-Carissa…i finally have the chance to talk to you. How do you feel?

-I’m much better…i don’t know what happened to me…i think i was under too much pressure with school and…I was very tired but i’m better.

Matteo smiled and took her hand, looking at the doctor.

-She promised she’ll listen to me when i tell her to get some rest…right, sweetie? Come on, doc…i don’t wanna be away from my beauty for the weekend. I’ll take good care of her.

She almost burst into tears and it took her all the self control to smile. The doctor looked at them suspiciously.

-Normally…i would keep her under observation…but considering all the facts…Matteo, make sure she’s resting a lot and any sign of delirium or hallucinations…well, i’m not expecting any of them but you’ll find me here in case they appear. And say hi to Luisa and Mario, will you?

She was still feeling dizzy but at least she could go home. She couldn’t remember how she was before…or where was her home, or her heart…”.

Dave: When you love someone and that person tells you that she was abused…

Me: You should at least feel anger…but if you’re trying to justify the abuser…what kind a person would justify an abuse? What kind a person would say that it wasn’t a rape…if you describe him all the pain you felt?

Dave: Someone you never truly knew. So, Cari…do you really need this kind a person in your life? 

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