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Me: I need time…i always wanted things to happen as instant…But feeling takes time, healing takes time. And he’s a good man…

Dave: He loves you. Maybe not the way you dream to be loved. Not that passionate, not that romantic…and maybe he doesn’t know how to express it…but he loves you.

Me: I know. I know it now. I got lost, Dave…I wanna be how i used to be and i wish i could take back all the hurtful words, all the bitterness. Because if i lose him…

Dave: You wont lose yourself. Cari, you’ll never be the girl you used to be. You need to look deep inside your heart and define the woman you are today…

“The darkness of the room and the wind outside were taking her back in time and space. The memories were still very clear in her mind.

Her father was shouting and her mother was pale, in the verge to pass out. She was crying starring at the blood from her hands. The big knife she just used…was just to big for the tiny hands of a 5 years old child. It pierced her skin, leaving deep dark red traces. The cry wasn’t because of the pain…she was too scared of her parents reaction. Her Grandmother pressed a towel over her hands and gave her a bag of ice. Franco (her dad) was furious:

-She has no respect for…anything! This is your fault entirely, for spoiling her! This cross costed a fortune! It’s handmade by a famous jeweler…but what does she care? And look at the carpet! Destroyed! That’s it! Carissa…you’re grounded for a month! No chocolate and no going outside to play! 

-Franco, leave the child alone (her grandmother’s voice)! Can’t you see she’s hurt? Bleeding…oh, Angelito! The cross was beautiful…all the crystals around Jesus, like a aura…Why, Angelito? Why did you took Jesus out of the cross?

She only spoke when her parents got out of the room.

-Because He is so sad…and His hands and legs are hurting. I wanted to help Him, because bad people hurt him. 

-Angelito, it was His will. He died for us…saving our souls. I explained to you so many times…God loved us so much…He send His only son…

-God didn’t loved His only son? He loved us more than he loved Jesus? But you said God is good. He’s not good…He should save Jesus. Nonina, i will save Him! I don’t like to see Him on the cross. Now my hands are hurt but when i’ll get better…

-Cari…you tried to help Him and you put yourself in danger. When i was having the flu you took care of me, even if you got sick too. Remember? (she nodded) This means you sacrificed something out of love. And you want the loved ones to be happy for the things that you do for them…isn’t it right?

-Yes…but…

-But Jesus sacrificed for us too…so, why can’t you just accept His sacrifice?  Angelito, thank Him that you didn’t cut a finger with that knife…Wait here, i’ll bring you something to put on those hands of yours…

Her grandmother closed the door behind her. She looked somewhere in the air and talked in an angry voice.

-See, Amy? I told you they’ll get upset! And i told you that God is good! You heard Nonina! I’m grounded because of you! You said that God doesn’t love me and you said you’ll take care of me! You lied to me, Amy! I’m not your friend anymore! 

…

The darkness of the room made her feel anxious. She wondered why this memory…why now…All those nights of crying, all the loneliness, all the fear…is this the right way to stop her nightmares?

-Cari! You have to align the black candles around his picture. Alright…now put the reverse cross on the picture.

-I don’t know, Anna…i’m not sure about this…are you sure we’re safe in here? All these satanic signs on walls…i don’t know why did i let myself convinced to do this! I don’t even believe in witchcraft…really, Anna, we should go before something goes terribly wrong here.

-You’re such a coward…and i already payed for the curse. It’s not witchcraft, it’s about invoking a demon, serious stuff…Anyway, Yolanda knows better! She’s preparing for the ritual. Just think about it, Cari…he’ll finally be punished! He may escape justice, but he’ll never escape this! And after what he did to you…

Yolanda (who looked like an old witch with wrinkles all over her face) entered. Anna knelt down. She whispered “Cari! do like i do!” but she decided to ignore. Yolanda smiled at her.

-I can tell you never did this before…so, he’s the man…hmmm, his name? Matteo…he looks familiar to me. You want him dead?

-No…i just want him to suffer like i have suffered. But i don’t want him dead.

-Are you ready to commit to Satan? To accept him as your only master? Let’s begin.

She put something aside her. A long sharp knife. And something that shined into the darkness, like two little red ruby stones. She instinctively reached out her hand to feel them. The little furry was trembling under her touch and she took him in his arms.

-Ohhhh…come here, cutie! My God…Anna, look how cute is he! Hi, little bunny! Look, Anna, i think he’s a baby bunny! I wanna keep him! I love you, precious little one! Anna, touch it to see how nice it feels. And he’s so scared…

-Cari, stop it! put it down…it’s for the sacrifice…just put him down!

Yolanda looked at her petrified. She tried to take the rabbit but she protected him with both of her arms.

-Oh, noooo! You’re not taking this little one! I’ll buy it from you! In fact, i think i already payed for him! What? Were you planning on killing the bunny? Whit that knife? I’m sorry to say…but you’re out of your mind if you think i’ll ever go along with this! Come here, cutie, we’re leaving! I’ll take you from the bad lady…Anna, let’s go!

-I’m not…Cari, please, Yolanda will get upset!

-Well, i don’t care! She can get upset as much as she wants, she’s not killing my little bunny!

The voice of Yolanda was calm but frightening.

-You don’t know what you have done. Remember, little girl…what starts in blood ends in blood. You took something that isn’t yours. Or mine. Satan is a good master, but he always comes back for what belongs to him.

-My bunny? Belongs to Satan? OK…i’m leaving this madness…you better don’t try to stop me cause i’ll call the Police.

-I’m not talking about the animal, you stupid human being! I was talking about your soul…

She left, first walking calmly, then running. She realized how dangerous was the whole situation and her heart ached for Anna. She went to the only person who could understand. Padre Antonio listened to her calmly, taking the little bunny from her arms.

-The children from the orphanage will love him! Will you help us build a little house for this little one? Cari…how you put yourself in these situations…

-I’m sorry, Padre Antonio…lately, i can’t recognize myself. After Matteo…did what he did…i wasn’t myself anymore. But when i saw this little bunny and the knife, it was like waking up…

-I’m the one who’s sorry, Cari. Yesterday you came here and you asked me why God allowed Matteo to hurt you…why He didn’t protected you even if you did everything right. Cari, i was wrong…I told you that sometimes God put our faith to test…I was so wrong…God never tests your faith this way…He didn’t wanted you to go trough that ordeal…No, Cari, God tried to warn you trough so many signs. And when all the warning was in vain…He was still there, giving you the strength to survive. And keeping the beauty and the purity of your heart intact…”.

Dave: All these months…have you felt like your love for Ryan is being tested?

Me: In a way, yes…and it seems so unfair…I was unfair too, i hurt him too, i failed the test…But i know now that i can’t live without him…