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Me: No, this time I wont let you play this game! Not anymore…

Dave: You think is a game? Is about your life, Cari…

Me: Well, you made it about you. You did! In the moment you started to imply that you’re having feelings for me…and the next second you start analyzing my behavior and I’m wondering if I’m crazy…if I only imagined…

Dave: You’re not crazy and you didn’t just imagined. You need my friendship, not something else…and this is about you, about putting you on the first place…

Me: Like Ryan never does? You’re so predictable…Give her what she’s missing and she’s yours…right? Right, Dave?…

“-Dark passion for the blonde angel…with a touch of french vanilla and crispy chocolate on top…Is this what you’re craving for?

She jumped into his arms.

-You’re my hero, Matteo! Ice cream for dinner…and…hot chocolate for breakfast? Can I? Will you? Pretty please…It will be our secret…

He took the spoon and told her to open her mouth. She could see the joyful sparks in his eyes.

-Perfect…So, hot chocolate for breakfast? We’ll see…Oh, sweetie, I was longing for this…to see you jumping in my arms, like you used to…To see you so careless and playful, acting so natural with me…

-Cause you’re spoiling me! And you’re feeding me ice cream for dinner! I should bruise my arm every day…

He suddenly became serious, touching her forehead.

-Good, the fever is gone. Sweetie…I wanna ask you something and I need you to be honest. Is about you and Alessio…why did you two never…became intimate?

She almost chocked with the ice cream. Hearing Alessio’s name…She looked down but he lifted her chin.

-Matteo…please, don’t…Look, I’ll tell you why…but then we’ll drop the subject forever. We never made love because I never felt loved. He…he seemed to be attracted by the idea of having sex with…with…

-With someone innocent? A virgin? You felt like you were only a fantasy to him?

-Yes. And I wanted more…I wanted to feel important, special…not because he’s my first but because of who I am. That’s why I wanted to wait till the wedding…yes, I know what you think about this…but for me…that would  have been a guarantee that he’ll be…tender and carrying…oh, Matteo, please let’s just drop it, you couldn’t understand…

She started to cry and he took her in his arms, caressing her hair.

-Carissa, i’m the creep who ruined it all for you…I understand, I hate myself and…I would do anything to make it right again…

She distanced herself from him, looking in his tormented eyes.

-Now is my turn. One question. Why do you love me? Be honest, Matteo…

-Ohhhh…the obvious answer would be: you’re beautiful, sweet, smart, generous, carrying…And it’s true, you’re all these and more. But I love you for another reason…You’re the fulfillment for a need of mine…The way you look at me, with so much admiration and love…the way you’re jumping in my arms, running toward me…the way you enjoy simple things…and you never take anything for granted…I need these in my life…You’re blushing so easily and it’s so arousing…you have this shyness and this softness in your voice. You’re so sweet when you’re a rebel and you’re so precious when you’re cuddling in my arms…And I almost lost you. The way I hurt you…only a mad man could do it…I love you because I need you…

He kissed her and laid her gently on the sateen sheet. His hands were slowly undressing her…she tried so hard to stop the memories and the fears…

-Sweetie…you don’t need to be afraid of me…I’ll stop if you want me to stop…I just wanna make love to you.

She said nothing and just laid there, picturing her favorite beach in her mind. His touches were so gentle and still…she felt so detached. Flashes in her mind…that night…the pain…the brutality and the feeling of dying…she felt overwhelmed and just blocked. He kissed her again, caressing her face wit his fingers.

-Carissa, baby…you have to relax a little…or it will be painful…the last thing I want is to hurt you. Just relax…I’ll do the rest…

She opened her eyes looking at him.

-Matteo…how will I feel? I don’t know how…how to…

He stopped her with a kiss and whispered in her ear : it will be alright…

She remembered the pain…but it wasn’t like her first time. The feeling of being forced…she decided to ignore it this time. To ignore everything, even the pain and to let him…He told her I love you and she felt like sitting by a fire. A sweet fire…she won’t get hurt if she’s not touching it, if she could keep the distance…

He put his arms around her, letting her cuddle in his arms. The drops of tears were falling on his arm.

-Sweetie…why are you crying? Come here…Carissa, what’s wrong, baby?

-I don’t know…

-You’re amazing in bed…just the way I want it…you make me so happy…I know it’s still painful to you, because it’s only the second time…but I adore you. When we’re making love, I feel you completely mine…and that’s the best feeling I ever had…

She smiled. Thinking she can do it…she can let him be happy while she’ll be far away. He wont know…

-Matteo…you think that, in time…the pain will be less sharp? And I’ll learn how to…you know…to…

He didn’t let her finish her question.

-Sweetie, I like you the way you are, there’s no need to learn anything at all. It’s something about you…just driving me crazy…Maybe because I feel you’re so helpless in my arms, or maybe because you’re giving yourself…I don’t know…but all you need to learn is to relax and to trust me. You think you can do it? Good…see? There’s no reason to cry…Now you need to sleep…

She took another sleeping pill and all went black. She imposed herself to be happy. Because he loves her and they just made love, like any other couple. Like a normal couple. Still…deep inside her heart she knew…she’s getting more and more far away from normality…”.

Dave: Do you understand now? 

Me: Yes…of course…you’re afraid. And I know all about being afraid. I used to live my life behind a safety glass…and now that I’m facing my fears, I’m expecting for everybody to do the same…But you’re safe, Dave…there’s no need to leave your cozy place by the fire…

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