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Me: Tell me, Dave, is she right?

Dave: Your mother? The woman who said you’re just a spoiled brat when you told her the truth?

Me: She can’t handle the truth…she can’t handle the fact that my perfect life may not be that perfect after all…

Dave: Your mother can’t handle her own life, Cari! The question is: can you handle the truth? Can you look deep into his eyes and accept that his answer to your questions may not be the one you want it to be?

Me: I can’t…Dave, I rather die than live without him…

Dave: You’re already without him! And you’re very much alive…breathing, wanting, needing, asking to be loved…No, don’t turn away, not this time! You’re the one talking about honesty…

“-Matteo…

-I wanna hear the words. You used to say it…and now, you’re looking down every time I need you to say…

-I don’t know what you want from me…We’re getting married when you want, we’re having a normal relationship, we’re having sex, for God’s sake…what do you want from me?

-To tell me that you love me…

She started to regret this conversation. Their last evening in Spain should had been special. He planned a romantic date with white candles in the sand…She felt she just ruined all and now she just wanted to find an escape. A lie, anything…just like a child who got caught doing something wrong…

She looked into his eyes and ran her fingers trough his hair. His expression melted a little.

-Matteo…I don’t know so many things about love. I know about loyalty, about faith, about trust…but Love? I wanna say the words, but I rather show you…

She used a shell she found on the sand to drown a heart. Then she used all the little decorative white stones to decorate the heart she drowned on the sand.

-You know what’s here?

-Your heart. White and beautiful, just like I know it is…

-No. Not my heart anymore. It’s yours…I gave it to you, Matteo…just like I’m giving myself. It’s not white, it’s gray…you just see it white…And it’s filled with stones…they press over the heart and smash it…it’s painful. People who said “I love you” were just throwing with stones…till I couldn’t bare…My parents, Alessio, Anna…all the horrible things i saw…

-Me…am I another stone in your heart?

-Matteo…you’re stronger than me. You can take them away…all the stones. Or you can take a bigger stone and finish what they started…It’s your choice, your responsibility…So…why don’t you just kiss me…just make love to me, the way you wanna do it…and you’ll know my answers…

He kissed her passionately and they made love on the hot sand. She knew he wants a proof…and she play it like the best actress, the love, the passion…She could easily believe her own acting. She wondered if he believed. You can’t turn desperation into passion and still pretend is real.

-Can you even imagine how amazing you are? Carissa…why are you crying, sweetie?

-It’s noting…

-You’re always crying after making love…and it’s my fault, for putting so much pressure on you. On your beautiful heart…no, mine, I know now that you’re mine…

-I’m yours…I’ll never leave you. I just wanna…just…to…to forget…

She was crying and the hot salty tears were falling over the stoned heart.

-What do you wanna forget, my love?

-My own life…I wanna escape somehow…And I never wanna say those words…never again…It’s not you, it’s me, Matteo. Every time I’m saying the words, I’m losing everything. I’m cursed…

-Ohhhhh…sweet kid…Look, there’s no need to say those words. But, from time to time, I wanna make sure you feel them in your heart. Carissa…if you ever leave me…there is no place in this world where you can hide…

-I’ll never leave you, I swear. I didn’t mean it that way before…I just wondering how is my family from the US…if I have cousins there, if my grandparents are still alive…I wanna have a family, Matteo and I just wish I could visit them once…just once…I can’t find my place…I need some answers about my past, my early childhood…Can’t you understand me?

-All I understand is that I could lose you…It’s insane…going to College there? And then what? You’re gonna live the American Dream? What about being half Italian? Can’t you see, Carissa? You’re the one breaking your heart. And now, that your heart is mine…how dare you?

-No, I don’t…can we just drop the subject? Matteo…

-No…Only if you’re willing to say the words.

-Va bene. Ti amo.

-My sweet Italian love…I love you too. Are you happy, sweetie? Are you happy with me?

-Yes, very happy, Matteo…

Another lie. Who’s counting them anyway? Me…maybe it’s about time to assume who I was…My story, not “her” story, me, not “she”. And I still can’t…And she’s still so happy in her imaginary world…where love is defined by 3 special words. Who cares if she’s broke inside, as long as the lips who’re pronouncing them are smiling…”.

Dave: I’m sorry for making you cry.

Me: It’s alright, it’s a good feeling, like being alive again. He doesn’t love me, right, Dave? 

Dave: I don’t have an answer. I lost all my answer about you and your emotions…long time ago. Maybe it’s time to be honest myself…

Me: Don’t be. I mean it, Dave. One thing I can’t handle right now is losing your friendship. So, don’t you dare to be honest with me right now…

 

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