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Me: I wanna tell him everything. About Alessio, about that evening that almost changed my destiny…I wanna let him see me for who I really am…

Dave: Cari, stop! He’ll see who you were, not who you are today. Why are you cancelling every single progress you made? Why are you denying yourself the chance to a normal life? And…for God’s sake! How can you be so cruel…in a name of your misplaced honesty…

Me: Dave, he’s my husband and he knows nothing! One day he’ll find out and he’ll hate me. He’ll leave me…

Dave: So you decided to make him hate you right now? To push him out of the door tonight? Cari, don’t…

“She was wearing the dress with red roses. It was a long dress but the fabric was so airy that the shape of her body was very well revealed. High heels sandals, the hair flowing on the shoulders and a silky rose in her hair. Fresh and refined at the same time…that was the impression she wanted to create for their final meeting. A final conversation…his way of saying goodbye, her way of having a closure…

The hotel room was so beautiful, white furniture and a smell of lavender in the air. She could see the town from the balcony but she was afraid to go there…so she just looked at him, so handsome and wild, with his curled black hair and his white shirt, just standing there, a little nervous, a little anxious…But she was sure of herself, just like she learned to be in the past weeks.  Even if she was trembling inside…

-So, I think we said all that was to be said…right, Alessio? I wish you a safe flight and a happy life with her. May she give you all I never knew how to give…

-Cari, is hard for me…but seeing you so self confident, so beautiful, shining with elegance and style, I realize…I could never give you this. He’s the one for you…You found the family you were looking for…you found the tenderness and the care…you found the love of your life. I want us to be friends, I want you to write me, I wanna see you happy and fulfilled, marrying the guy you love…

She sensed a wave of anger and a feeling of nausea she almost couldn’t control. He came closer and touched her chin lifting her face. The tears in her eyes were visible.

-Cari…baby, are you alright? You know I’ll always care for you…

-You never loved me, Alessio.

The way she pronounced the words had something touching within, making him melt inside. He took her in his arms and she felt too weak and vulnerable to protest.

-Baby, I don’t know…I don’t know how to love you, or how to show you my feelings. I hurt you too many times and I hate myself…I remember you were afraid of me…it makes me sick just imagining what was in your soul…because of me. Tell me, baby…at least now…are you happy? Is he treating you well? And your first time…was it all like you dreamed to be? You deserve all the tenderness a man could give…

A lie…any lie…was impossible to find. She knew that’s the end. She wont have a way back to her role playing. But a lie was impossible to find, not as long as she was in his arms. Not like that…

-My first time…was horrible. He forced me to…and it was so painful, I felt like dying. At some point I lost contact with reality, I lost my mind…And when I came back…I was empty inside, I still am. He’s treating me well, as long as I seem happy…and I’m faking all the time. Passion, desire, love…I learned to fake them so well…I’m afraid I’ll never know how to be honest ever again…And when we’re making love…

-Shut up!

He pushed her and the violence of his reaction scared her. He talked fast, like lacking air to breath.

-You’re a liar! You want me to believe that he forced you and then…what? He proposed you and he’s treating you like a princess? And you’re faking because of…what? For his money? You know what you are, Carissa? A whore…a lying whore. Now I’ll go cause I feel I can’t control myself…

He slammed the door leaving her alone. She wanted to cry but she couldn’t find the tears inside her. Small baby steps…the lights of Rome were under her feet. Just a jump away…just a step away. “Do it, Cari. You have nothing to lose. Don’t be afraid, I’m here. Remember me, your imaginary friend. Me, Amy? You should have done it long ago but you’re such a coward. Now is the perfect moment…”

“I’ll do it, Amy. I’ll do it.”

She took the step and she waited for the fall. She was surprised by the sensation. The warmth of his strong arms. Holding her tight. She was afraid to open her eyes. He took her in the bed, carrying her like she were a child, kissing her eyes, her tears, her face.

-Forgive me, baby. Forgive me please…How could I doubt you, my love? You’re safe now, I’m so happy I came back…you could be death now, Cari…and for what? For a stupid insensitive bastard like myself? No…I love you, Cari. I do…I know you’re not faking now, you love me too…make love to me…be honest and just breath and feel again…my love…

She whispered yes and they made love. With passion and desperation, in a sweet, tender and wild way…for the first and the last time…For her it was more than making love, it was giving herself completely…with an honesty she never thought she’ll be able to feel and express again…

She woke up. The first morning rays seemed cruel to her eyes. She wanted that warm place once again…to cuddle in his arms, to feel his body sheltering hers…and she reached a hand to touch him, to caress his hair. The place was empty…a lonely red rose was lying next to her. And a note. Written by an unsure and nervous hand. A hand that, earlier, held her heart and now was tearing it apart. Again.

“Last night…I realized I’ll love you forever. I also know I cannot be with you. Because you’re amazing and I’m not what you need…I love you, Cari…but the anger and the hurt…are just too strong right now. I keep hurting you, baby…and I want you happy and beautiful. I’m leaving for good…please try to forget, try to move on…try to forgive me…”.

And she understood. He ran away. She understood. But she never forgave…”.

Dave: He ran away but he couldn’t stay away.

Me: Yes, unfortunately. But I can. I wont hurt Ryan, I wont run away. It hurts too much to wake up to an empty bed…and to an empty heart…

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