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My Love

 

Ryan’s house, October 2013

-Are you sure?

He had those playful sparks in his eyes. Somehow I knew…I’ll adore these eyes and their light-blue color…forever…But I wasn’t sure about anything…It was late in the night and all I knew for sure was that there was no other place I’d rather be. What was the right answer to this? I smiled.

-I think I am…

-OK then…If the young lady wants a kiss…

He cupped my face with his hands and I closed my eyes. Yes…I dreamed for a kiss from the very first moment I met him. Feeling his warm breath on my skin I felt like melting inside…He took his time…kissing my eyes while his fingers were caressing my cheeks, going slowly down on my neck line. My heart rate was racing and I wondered if he can feel it trough my chest. Just for a second…because he touched my lips with his fingers and I slowly opened them…I moaned softly feeling his hands pulling my hair gently and strongly at the same time…touching my lips with his and then stopping for a second…letting me in a deep hunger for more. Then his kiss…the unleashed passion of a restless soul…my soul…the deep and strong desire of being his, the uncontrollable pleasure without any trace of guilt…knowing deep inside my heart that I’ll never let other man so deep inside my heart…so deep in my emotions…

I looked into his eyes and I felt something warm and salty…tears…but I wasn’t crying, I didn’t wanted to cry. He wiped away my tears. In his eyes I could read so many questions…

-Ryan, I…

I suddenly stopped. The forbidden words…How could I say “I love you” to a man I barely knew? It was…against all laws of good judgement. But this was exactly what I wanted…

-Your first kiss? Carissa…was I the first man who kissed you? Baby, it’s alright…sometimes I forget how young you are…

What could I say…I wish, oh…how much I wish that he were the first man who ever kissed me…In a way, he was…the others…just boys…He was the first who made me feel like a woman from the first kiss…But how could I say this without scaring him, without pushing him away…He misinterpreted my silence. And my tears. The light in his eyes was fading away.

-Carissa, I’m sorry if I done something inappropriate here. I’m usually more in control but with you…tonight…

-No, don’t say “I’m sorry”. My tears weren’t out of shock or sadness. These are tears of joy…If you knew…I never felt like this before…

-So it was indeed your first kiss…oh boy…

I felt lost in a labyrinth. The voice of reason was shouting inside my mind. Be honest, tell him the truth. I want that…but…there is no “half” of truth, no “pieces” of truth. Tell him all, or you’ll be a liar. I decided to be a coward…a smiling funny coward.

-Come on, Ryan! Am I such a terrible kisser? So you would think I’v never done it before…

-The kiss was incredible. But…it was something in the way you abandoned to me…something very innocent and arousing. It started like a game…you had this childish look in your eyes when you said you want a kiss…and now…you made me wanna discover the woman in you…

He starred at me and started to laugh.

-You’re blushing! Now, aren’t you the sweetest kid ever? Come here!

He took me in his arms and I panicked. No! I don’t wanna turn this into a nice sweet friendship. I don’t…I couldn’t play this game, I couldn’t look into his eyes without wanting him…I gently pushed him.

-I’m not a kid, I’m 22…I’m a woman. I’m not that naive as you may think…that kiss before left me wanting for more…I look at you and I see a man…a man who can make me complete…someone I could fall in love with. What do you say now, kiddo?

Yes, trying to be funny because I was shocked by my own audacity. Something in his eyes darkened and I was so afraid I made a mistake…

-I say I’m too old for you. I’m 35, Carissa. I have a past, a former marriage and two kids. Of course, you know all these things…what you don’t know is that I’m a very difficult person. I’m a control freak. I’m impatient, demanding and cold. I don’t like being pressured for attention or romance and I hate mixed signals. I’m not the right guy for you. You’d better find a nice boy your age to spend time with.

-OK.

I went straight to the door without looking back. Be proud. My inner voice…He followed me, taking my hand and turning my body around to face him.

-Where are you going?

-Well…Gosh…don’t know…where you told me to go…To…search for a boy my age? Cause you’re…you’re Ryan The Greatest and I bow in front of your demands. But…do you thing they opened to the market place? I wanna pick a boy my age…but I want him to be qualitative enough cause you’re demanding and…if I won’t do it right, you won’t kiss me again and I really want you to kiss me again…

He laughed so hard I was afraid he’ll wake up the children.

-Ohhhh, Cari…Stay. Stay here over night. The girls will be so happy in the morning…and I’ll have someone with me for dinner…and for breakfast…By the way, Cari…we never had so much home cooked meal in our refrigerator. You cooked and cleaned and took care of the girls…I wanna keep you.

-Aha…let’s see…First you want me to find a boy…now you wanna keep me. Hmmm…convince me! Do it! You have ten seconds.

-Really?

-I’m counting…ten, nine…

-Well, princess…ten seconds aren’t nearly enough…but I’ll do my best.

He pulled me closer and kissed me again. And I abandoned myself again in his arms. Giving him my heart before he even asked it from me. My honesty is in the way I love him…I kept telling myself this and the burden of my past seemed easier to bare.

-So you’re staying.

-It wasn’t my first kiss.

He looked at me with a mixture of amusement and confusion in his eyes.

-What I tell her and what she’s answering…Of course it wasn’t your first kiss, Cari. It was the second one. The first was half hour ago, when you started to cry and you blushed and…my favorite part…you told me that you’re a woman and that you want more…Now, join me for dinner and you’ll get a third kiss. Deal?

How could I deny him anything at all? When I met him my heart was locked. I gave him the key…sometimes I wonder…will he ever open the door?

A note to my friends: The events took place last fall, in October 2013. I wanted to let you see a small part from my recent past. That’s how it started…my relationship with Ryan. My reason and my motivation to overcome the shadows from my past. Thank you for reading.

 

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