Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

October 2013

The smell of white…I was smiling in my sleep and my first thought when my conscience slowly woke up was that the smell of white is sweet and it makes me happy…Silly thoughts…and I smiled wider, stretching my arms. Something warm next to me…Izzy…I wondered for how long was she sleeping here, with me…

A pair of arms and the sweetest voice ever. Long blond curls and two blue eyes, just like two pieces of sky…and the personality of a volcano…

-Cari, wake up! Dad made Angel’s Cake for you and now the kitchen is a mess! He said he’ll clean it, but I don’t believe he knows how…and he made pancakes for me and Izzy, but he said: “we’re not eating without Cari!”. Come on, I’m hungry!

-Crissy…Hi honey…Oh, is already 9…I never slept so good…Crissy…for how long is your little sister sleeping here?

-No idea…but she finally stopped crying! Dad wanted to move her but she woke up and she grabbed your hair and there was no chance…

Another pair of blue eyes looked at me with wonder and I found myself thinking that this must be Heaven…The perfect family where I’m fitting perfectly…this is what God planned for me…the reason I’m still alive after…I canceled this thought. There was no way I could ruin this perfect morning.

He smiled at me, reaching a hand to help me stand. I blushed remembering the kisses…

-Good Morning princess…Hope you slept well…

-The best night I had since…ever! Thank you, Ryan for inviting me to stay over night…

-Pancakes! Pancakes! And Angel’s Cake! Come on, Izzy, sing with me! Pancakes!

-Crissy…You’ll scare Cari away…Now, girls…who’s helping me arrange the plates?

The girls went to arrange the plates for breakfast and he got closer. His eyes had something playful and wild in their blue. He looked at me for a few seconds and I felt he’s undressing me with his eyes.

-Ryan…when you’re looking at me like this…

-I know…but I can’t help it…you’re beautiful in my shirt, a little sleepy, relaxed…Cari, can I ask you something?

-Yes, anything…

-Will you always be like this? With me, with the girls…can you swear to me that you’ll never change…that what I see right now is the real you? Not some role, not an act…Can you swear?

I looked down. Afraid I’ll let him down because what he sees in me is just the surface…and I’m fighting with my own demons. Ashamed of the truths I should say and I can’t. Amazed by this wonderful man who was hurt so deeply. In love.

I took his hand, putting my face on his palm, knowing he’ll feel the trace of tears, the warmth of my skin, the honesty of my feelings for him. I whispered “I swear” even if I didn’t knew what he’s really asking me.

-You know, Carissa…I don’t believe in people, especially woman. I went trough hell not long ago…these children you seem to care about, went trough a different kind of hell. Much worse. I can’t let someone, anyone…do that to us. Not again. Do you understand me? If you have any dark secret…now would be the perfect time to let it out.

I wanted to tell him…everything. And I knew I’l loose him. So I just stood there, looking down. When I finally spoke, it was like climbing a mountain.

-Ryan…I have a past, like everyone else. There’s nothing dark in it, you know everything…

He took me in his arms, apparently believing me. I never knew what was inside his mind…he never knew what was in my heart. We had breakfast and he asked me out on a date. The girls laughed and Crissy told us that we’re not allowed to do the “yucky thing”, meaning kissing. Izzy spend her morning in my arms. He sensed the torment inside me.

-Cari, what’s that?

He looked at the piece of paper I held in my hand. It was the only thing I could do…before letting my past destroy my future…an act of despair and a senseless prove that I’m not acting or playing.

-I know you’ll do the right thing…Here are my passwords…my FB account, skype, mail…You can check them, my life, my friends…And I’ll close them after you look…Today…

I didn’t knew why I feel like crying. He took the piece of paper and smiled. Then he took my hand, kissed my fingers and put the paper back in.

-You’re sweet…I believe you, Cari. I’m proud of you…it takes a lot of courage to do what you just did. Thank you…You know, maybe there is a God above us after all. Maybe you’re the one…And I wont check your accounts…it’s enough for me to know you’re willing to give me full access to these information. Were you serious about deleting them?

-Yes. Right now, if that’s ok with you…

-More than ok…it’s perfect. Your honesty means everything to me…

Deleting an account it’s easy…closing the door to a past filled with darkness is impossible. One day he’ll read my story…will he love me or will he run away…

Advertisements