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October 2013

We were sitting in a nice romantic corner of the restaurant, lightened by candles, hearing the soft piano music. He was holding my hand and his eyes were so bright…We were having a relaxed conversation about his girls and I was thinking I’m the luckiest woman on Earth…just to be there and to look in his eyes…

-…so, the last babysitter I hired ran terrified and she said she’ll never step into our house. The one before her said that Crissy is possessed…The fact is that Crissy has a very creative mind when it comes to drive people insane…especially woman. I’m still wondering how did you survived?

-Well…I promised Crissy I wont tell you, but…I met Mister Lizard, oh yeah…she put it on my neck when I didn’t payed attention to her. Then Mister Skeleton…she pushed it toward me when I tried to go to the bathroom…and, my favorite…Bloody Mary…With Bloody Mary it was easy, I just opened the front door and invited all the ghosts out. But Mister Lizard…I gave him a bath cause he smelt really bad…And Mister Skeleton needed some repairs on his skull…I did all these, plus my favorite Italian cookies and…voila!

We laughed together and it was all so natural, so normal, like we knew each other since ages. Suddenly he pulled me closer and kissed me, making the room spinning around me.

-Ryan…

-That’s for putting up with my impossible kids…

-Don’t say this…Crissy is amazing, so bright and funny and creative…And I know one thing: when a child is misbehaving, he usually needs more love and attention…it’s his way of asking…I showed her that I’m not gonna punish her, we made fun of the other babysitters…yes, she told me…Who I’m worried for is Izzy…don’t get me wrong…she’s very anxious and I didn’t heard her talking…

His eyes darkened and the feeling of pain was obvious on his face.

-Yes…I’m worried too…when her mother left us, she was 11 months old, a happy normal baby. She just said “mommy” for the first time…and she just locked inside her own world. She couldn’t bare to be touched or cradled…that’s why when I saw her going to sleep with you I was so surprised…and so happy…

-Thank you.

-What for, sweetheart?

I didn’t knew exactly what to say…For this evening, for the night in his house, for letting me around his children…

-I don’t know. I just wanted to thank you. For letting me be a part of this…

He stopped smiling for a moment and it crossed my mind that I ruined everything. Living one day without seeing him seemed impossible…He stood and took my hand, leading me to the dance floor. He knew exactly how to touch me, leading my body and mind into something so beautiful, so sweet…pure trust and love. When he spoke, his voice and his warm breath on my ear was giving me goose bumps. I felt his smile.

-Cari, every time you’re looking in my eyes…I feel something in your gaze. Love…are you in love with me?

I didn’t knew the right answer and I almost stumbled. He laughed and kissed me on the cheek.

-I still wanna know, my sweet stumbled princess. So?

-Yes…I’m sorry, yes. From the first moment when I saw you…that day…when everything in the house was broke and I was desperate and you came to my door…a complete stranger…Remember how you touched my face and you said: “we’ll fix everything…step by step” and you didn’t knew how much my heart needed to be fixed…but you did it anyway…

I realized we’re not dancing anymore and I also knew I said too much. Too suddenly and too early…

-Then we have a problem…

-No, I’m sorry, I didn’t meant it this way…Can you just forget, Ryan? Ohhh…I feel like kicking myself right now for what I said!

He smiled but there was something so sad in his smile.

-Carissa…I can’t fix your heart, I’m still broken inside from what I’ve been trough with my ex wife. I understand what you’re looking for…but all I care about is my kids and having some company to have fun with. You’re perfect, maybe too perfect…to be real. I’m 35, ok? There are 13 years between us and two children who aren’t that easy to deal with. You can’t blame me for asking…what are you really trying here?

His words cut my heart like knifes. My first instinct was to become defensive. Then I realized he already made his mind…so I just said very quiet: “I wanna go home”.

The road back home was painful. I was looking at nowhere and I could feel his gaze from time to time. When we arrived he kept the silence for a brief moment.

-I’m sorry for being rude, Carissa. It’s just the way I feel and maybe it’s not even your fault. It’s just too soon for me…

-It’s alright, Ryan. But tell me something…when we laughed together, when everything was fine…it was just my imagination? Or did you really felt great? And then it was a test and I failed. Now I understand…You asked if I’m in love and I was supposed to say it’s too soon and let’s take it slowly…Don’t worry, people play mind games all the time, not your fault if I don’t get it on time…Look into my eyes and tell me I’m wrong. Tell me you feel nothing. Can you? Don’t look down, I already apologized and I’m the ashamed one…Tell me I was wrong about you…

He said nothing and looked away. I turned my back and slammed the door of his car. My house seemed lonelier than ever. My mother asked me something and I pretended I can’t hear her, ran to my room and closed the door. And, for the first time since I arrived to the US, I allowed myself to break down and cry.

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