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October 2013 (a lifetime ago…)

Dear diary,

6 in the morning and I’m home alone. This time I didn’t even tried to call her, to ask her when is she coming home or where is she…I just wanna be the child, the careless teenager, just for one day…because he broke my heart and I do have the right to feel sorry for myself. No one else cares anyway. She should be here with a big bucket of chocolate ice cream, like I saw in movies…I’ll be a better mother…I have to be, otherwise all my loneliness was in vain. I could be…no, because Ryan is history…God…how will I go on? I have no one…Wait, there’s someone at the door…

I opened the door and the cold wind took me by surprise. Small drops of rain falling all over my skin. There’s no one…strange…only this lonely red rose and a letter.

“He’s lucky…because you will hold him in your arms…You’ll cuddle with him in your warm bed and he’ll wake you up every morning. He’s lucky because he will hear your confessions and he’ll make you smile. He’s lucky to have someone like you in his life. He’s lucky and I’m a fool…One more chance, Carissa…and I’ll be the lucky one… .”

-He’s Lucky…

I was standing there, trembling from coldness and emotions, starring at the letter, at the red rose, at him…Ryan was holding a white little puppy with playful eyes, like two black olives. I wanted to say something but words didn’t seemed to form in my mind. He smiled and took my hand.

-Can you feel it? He’s trembling…is cold outside and the rain is getting stronger. Can we go inside? Just for one minute?

-Yes, of course…

I closed the door behind him. It was almost like a dream, too beautiful to be true.

-Ryan, you remembered…But why…after…

-Of course I remembered! I remember everything you said, every single word. And I also remember my promise to make your dreams come true. This is the first one. A puppy, like you always wanted. His name is Lucky…that if he’ll be lucky enough to be accepted by you.

-He is…lucky…

I tried to control my tears…He shouldn’t see that…this weakness, this vulnerability…Me, wearing nothing but a short nightgown, in front of him, with tears all over my face. I covered my eyes.

-I’m sorry…

He took my hands and kissed me. Like he were in love. I tried to push him away, out of pride, because in my heart all I wanted was to never let him go.

-Don’t cry…I know about your dreams, but you don’t have a clue about mines. You wanna know?

-Yes…

He took me by my shoulders and sit with me on the couch. He had that look, playful and loving…the one that made me fall in love with him.

-OK…First…I dreamed for someone like you all of my life. I thought I found that person in my ex wife and I tried to convince myself during ten painful years. When she cheated…the dream was broke in small pieces…Now you wanna put them back together…Oh, baby…what are you getting in?

I started to cry again and he just looked in my eyes saying no.

-No…no crying is allowed now. So, can you realize what you’re getting in? Can you handle me, my children, my nightmares and anything else I’m bringing into your life?

-Yes, I can. I want to, Ryan…more than anything else. But only if you want me too and if the girls can accept me…they’ll always be my first priority, just like they are for you…

-Why, Cari…tell me once again…why?

I wanted to say “because I love you” but I realized that that’s how I’m loosing him…so I looked down saying very softly:

-Don’t know why…

-Liar…

He pulled me closer looking deep into my eyes.

-Tell me, Carissa, why are you so afraid? What are your nightmares all about? And who are you running from?

-Do you love me?

-Yes.

-Then…what does it matter? My nightmares, yours…if you love me and I…I feel the same…can’t we just be together? Can’t we?

I heard a distant thunder and I almost jumped. He took me in his arms.

-Hey, is just a storm…you’re safe.

I covered my face when the Lightening left a bright trace on the sky. The storm was stronger, closer and colder and the old sensation of suffocating… I started to pray in my mind. Not now, God…not now…

-Carissa…Cari! Breath…breath slowly! Alright…again! Focus on breathing…rare and slow…Don’t try to talk…just breath…it’s just a panic attack.

-Make it stop. Please, make it stop! Make him stop!

-I will, it’s alright…Carissa, baby…someone did something to you…isn’t it right? He…he hurt you…that guy you’re so afraid of…oh, baby…these scars you have on your arms…these are defensive wounds…

-It will pass…the doctors said it will pass…six months, that’s what they said…and no one could see them anymore. They said to try to forget and I can’t…that’s why…Ryan, I would give you anything if you could just make it stop…the pain…

-I will. I will make it stop. I love you, Carissa. You’re safe, look at me…the storm will pass and I will stop the pain.

-Thank you, my love…

I’m back, dear diary…I had another panic attack…I was so embarrassed but he made it easier to bare. I’m so in love with him…I told him something…about what happen to me, what Matteo did to me…he reacted so well…My hero…I thought he’ll run away but he seemed to care for me more than before. Almost like…my panic attack made him love me. But that’s crazy! Well, it doesn’t matter…if my panic attacks can make him love me, then…I never wanna be healed. I’m going to take a shower cause we’ll meet in an hour to buy food and stuffs for my new puppy…

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