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December 24, 2013, Aspen

My Wedding Day 

I was sitting on the bed, holding a pillow in my arms, big round tears rolling all over my face. Eight in the morning and the sun was already up, making the white snow even whiter and brighter. My wedding dress…so beautiful, a princesses dress and the one I always imagined to wear. In all my dreams…and the white flowers in my hair…

I was supposed to be happy. My life was finally on the right track. Away from all of them…The terrible emptiness was still haunting me. Will I ever be able to accept and move on? The fact that my parents aren’t a part of this? The feeling of being an orphan? The questions I still cannot answer, the pain, the fear…

The door opened and I felt his arms around me. He turned my head and kissed me, making all my demons disappear.

-Good Morning, sweetheart…We’re finally all alone in the house and I thought on checking how my beautiful bride is feeling…Heyyy…your cheeks taste salty…that only means one thing…

I kissed him once again.

-Your bride-to-be is being late…I have a thousand things to do! And I wanna thank your mother for this amazing dress she bought me…it’s like a dream. So, if you’ll excuse me…

-No, I’m not leaving. I wanna know why were you crying. Carissa…if you have doubts, any doubts at all, we can talk about it.

I looked down, aware that I can’t pretend…

-No, Ryan…I’m just being silly, like always…I wanted to have my parents with me today and…dad doesn’t even know and mom is not even answering…she doesn’t know either and the saddest part is that she doesn’t care. And I feel guilty because your parents are so loving and supportive and that should be enough…

He took me in his arms.

-I know, I know, honey…It’s alright, please don’t cry…From now on you and me and our children…we’re a family, baby…And we’ll make sure that our children will never feel that lonely. Crissy, Izzy…our daughters are lucky to have you as their mother…

-Do you mean what you say? It sounds so beautiful…our daughters and me…their mother. I love them so much…

-I love you, Cari. Of course I mean it…and I can’t wait to have another baby! I know you’re very young but you’re already an amazing parent…having a baby with you will be a dream come true…

I felt like melting…all my fears and all my doubts had no place…Just love, pure love…

He looked deep into my eyes.

-Cari, there’s something…

-Yes?

-I know you love me, you’ve proven it so many times, but…if you think that my lifestyle is something you can’t bare…you still have time to change your mind. I would understand…If you feel like you need more freedom, if you feel like you can’t deal with my dark sides…

The cold shivers and the feeling of free falling…I started to repeat in my mind: “he loves you, he wont harm you, he’s not like that…”.

-Carissa, baby…come back…you blocked somewhere. Ohhhh, sweetheart, look at you, you’re trembling…don’t tell me you’re afraid of me…

-No, I…you said dark sides and I…I can’t breath…Ryan, I can’t breath…

The panic attack got stronger with every second and I felt like in any moment I’ll loose my conscience. Black spots in front of my eyes and a desperation like never before. He gave me the pill…the only thing that helped lately…

-Carissa! Look at me and breath. Eyes open and focus. Breath in and breath out. Count to five and control your breathing. Good…now once again…It’s alright, the anxiolytic will work in a few minutes…

He waited for me to calm down and asked me in a very concerned voice.

-What in the world happen before? From a few words I said…baby, something is very wrong here…

-My dark side…

-What dark side? Baby…your panic attacks are treatable…but not with these pills that only makes you sleepy…You need therapy…a good therapist and…

-And your love! Promise me, Ryan! Promise me you wont leave me because of that…

-Come here, girl! Now you really pushed my limits!

He said it in a playful tone but I didn’t knew what to believe. I suddenly felt pulled and lifted and carried down the stairs. The cold winter air made me hold him tighter and he covered my body with his jacket. I was in his arms, with my head on his chest, feeling the beatings of his heart.

-Look!

And then I saw…all the Christmas Trees decorated with white little angels, shining in the white snow…Tears of joy…

-I made this for you…the girls helped, my parents too…I know how much you love Christmas and you tried so hard to convince me not to cut any tree…so I decorated them here, where they belong…in the nature…

-Thank you, my love. Love of my life…thank you…

-See? I couldn’t harm a tree…how would I harm you? How would I ever leave you? But you’re going to therapy. No question about. Some decisions aren’t yours…

-Like what? Marrying you?

-No, silly…Like getting better and being happy. I already decided for you. Now we’ll go inside and in a few hours I’ll have the most beautiful, smart, funny and loving wife a man can have!

And we got married.

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