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Dave: I remember the first time when I saw you…

Me: Yes…I told you to do something, anything at all to stop the panic attacks.

Dave: I asked you if you’re sure you wanna stop them…

Me: Back then I was outraged by such a statement. Now I understand. I think that I was afraid to discover myself, the real me. The girl hidden behind the panic, the feelings hidden behind the fear. 

Dave: You made it. Do you realize how amazing you are?

Me: We did it, Dave, together. And I still need your help, even if my panic attacks are over. Help me discover the woman in me…

“When Daniele closed the door behind him, her first thought was to put her pajama and to hide her head under the pillow. And to cry…till she’ll fall asleep. Still…looking at her image in the mirror she smiled.

Such a waste…I did everything to be with him and he choose to go to church to pray for world’s peace…while I have no peace at all…I deserve better. I deserve a boyfriend who can put me on the first place in his mind and in his heart. Someone who could kiss me, really kiss me, without feeling guilty…Someone who could admire me, my body, my new dress…

She realized that she gave a voice to her thoughts. A strong voice. She decided to go dancing. By herself.

The air was cold and her jacket was too thin, but the adrenaline wave rushing trough her veins kept her warm. The new night club was just a few streets away. She walked ahead, sure of herself even if her heart was pounding. The bartender smiled when she asked for a non-alcoholic cocktail.

-Do you wanna dance?

She liked his voice, his eyes, his perfume. The way he held her hand when he leaded her to the dance floor. His hand pulling her closer firmly and still so gentle. He took a strand of her hair between his fingers.

-It smells like sweet roses…a perfect match to your smooth skin…you’re so beautiful, so like an angel…if you were mine I’d treat you like a princess…

-Thank you…

-I wanna show you something magic…Do you wanna see? (she nodded) Here, on your neck…there’s a tiny spot (his fingers went down from her hair to her neck line, gently caressing, barely touching her)…and if I’d kiss this tiny spot (he leaned and kissed her) you’ll feel small goose bumps all over your skin…mmmmm…yes, see? I was right…

-It is magic…

-You like it? But the magic is about to happen…Come here, let’s sit for awhile.

He took her hand and leaded her to a private corner of the club.

-I don’t know about that, it’s so dark in here…

She tried to protest but he just smiled and pushed her slowly on the couch.

-How could it be dark if I see so much light in your gorgeous eyes? Baby, when you’re looking at me like that…I’m melting…you’re stealing my heart away…

-Promise me that…you wont…we don’t know each other and I’m afraid to…

He started to massage her shoulders.

-You’re so tense…baby, you’re completely safe with me. My princess…we’re not doing anything wrong here…you’re so precious to me…

-Am I? You think that…maybe, even if we don’t know each other…you could love me?

He laid her down, his hands unzipping her dress. She panicked and tried to push him away, but he kissed her and her resistance melted away.

-Baby…I love you…it was love at first sight…don’t be so cruel to me…I’m only trying to make you feel good here…I know you want me…

-I do, but…

-Than…be mine…no one will know about it…just relax, baby…

Suddenly a strong hand pulled her arm and she heard a familiar voice.

-Let her go.

-Who the hell are you?

-Her boyfriend. And she’s going home. I don’t want problems.

The voice she liked before became mean and sarcastic.

-Ohhhh…we’re cool man…you can have her…the bitch is all yours.

As they walked silently on the empty streets, she thought that she never lowered that down…she never experienced such humiliation. Then, like a cold shower…she realized how much was she hurting him.

-Cari…

-Say it, Dani. Say anything, cause I deserve it. Do anything, leave me, yell at me, I deserve it. What I did is…

He took her in his arms.

-What you did is very dangerous. Tell me, Sunshine…was it because of me? Because I went to the group instead of going with you to that night club?

-No, Dani. It’s me…I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m afraid of my own actions and I can’t recognize myself. I’m very, very sorry…

-Don’t cry, it’s breaking my heart to see you cry. Look at me, Cari. I really love you. I think is true love…I want you to be a part of my life forever. I spoke to Padre Antonio today…

Her eyes brightened.

-You did? You decided to leave the group? For me?

-Ohhhh…Sunshine. It wasn’t that…I wanted to ask you to come with me.

-Where?

-You know how I always dreamed to be a missionary. You and me, imagine us…helping children, saving orphans, building a future for them…

-Where?

-Imagine giving food and water to a starving child…Sunshine, I know you, you could do wonders for them…

-Where, Dani? You’re scarying me…

-In Afghanistan…or in other war zones. There is where we’re needed desperately.

She turned her back.

-Cari…Sunshine…Our lives would be meaningful…

-Yes, but…terrible things are happening there. What if someone is trying to kill me or to kidnap me or…

-I would protect you with my own life. I would die for you…

She looked into his eyes with an overwhelming sadness.

-That’s exactly our problem, Dani. I don’t want you to die for me…I want you to live for me, for us. And I want a family…I want a house with a swing in the backyard, I wanna hear children laughing and birds singing in the trees I’m gonna plant…Small things, happy things, precious moments.

-I don’t wanna loose you…

-Never. You’ll never loose me. Dani, I love you and I know you love me. We just need different things…and it’s ok…We’ll be ok. Somehow…we’ll be ok.”

Dave: This feeling…that anything you’d do it’s not enough…

Me: It’s true…

Dave: You had no chance, Cari. To save Daniele, to save Said…you have every right to cry…cry all the tears, shout out loud if you need to…tell Him how cruel and unfair He is…but don’t forget…you can save someone…yourself. And this is what I’m grateful for. Because I see it in your eyes…you became what you were made to be: a strong, courageous, extraordinary woman…Don’t say thank you. Say “I will”… 

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