Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

A thousand likes and a million smiles…and the courage to keep writing. This is what you have been given me. I wrote 99 posts so far, this is my special 100. To write this, I had to put together all the little pieces, just because I wanted to reveal my heart to you. As broken as it is, I know you’ll still see the colors within. A dedication to my amazing friends from WordPress. Thank you all!  

I’m trying so hard to find the right words and to stop the torment within my heart. He’s looking at me and I…just like a guilty child, I keep talking fast, meaningless words, avoiding his eyes. I know I sound defensive but I can’t help it. I realize now that he’s quiet. Not a single word…

-It wasn’t like that, Ryan…I swear it wasn’t…I just…made a mistake, I didn’t meant it to be like this…

And it sounds lame even to my own ears. I know my eyes are in tears and I don’t wanna play the victim role. He’s the only victim here. I’m touching his hand, it’s cold, but he’s not taking it away. That’s a good sign…I feel encouraged. And I keep lying. I keep saying some words…unbelievable to my own heart. He’s looking in my eyes. I’m pretending to believe what I’m saying, he’s pretending to believe me.

-Carissa…today was the worst day of my life. You just…I had enough of this and I’m tired. I really can’t hear another explanation…For the first time, I’m giving up on us. I don’t think our marriage has any chance at all. It’s late now…let me sleep and we’ll talk tomorrow about divorce.

-No…I don’t wanna talk tomorrow. I don’t wanna talk at all about divorce! I love you, Ryan, I’m sorry for what you saw, I really am. You and our family is all that matters. He was…nothing…it was just a moment in my life and I will never repeat this mistake.

I realize I’m crying and I desperately want him to hold me. He used to do that…whenever I was down…he used to take me in his arms…sometimes I pushed him away and he still tried…And now…

I’m ready to beg. I really am. I don’t have any pride if I don’t have his love.

-Ryan…please talk to me. Anything…say anything at all, just talk to me.

-Who’s the guy? Do I know him? Or should I be afraid to even ask?

-He’s…no one. A guy I met at a party, I don’t even know his name. I exchanged a few emails with him, that’s all. And today I saw him at that coffee shop and…I was feeling sad and then…

Another lie. I can’t even breath because the tension is vibrant in the air. He doesn’t know about Alessio. It’s better this way. He’ll think I’m immoral…he’ll think the worst of me…but he will never know that I always loved and I always will love…another man. Against all the judgment, against my faith, against my moral rules.

-So, Carissa…if you don’t even know his name…why were you in his arms? Just tell me this. Why? Because I neglected you? Is it my fault again?

His fault…my fault…Alessio’s fault…who am I to blame anyone but myself? Have I really tried? Was my therapy a failure because, deep inside me, I didn’t wanted to let him go? A love I thought it’s behind me…I swored, I promised…I prayed…but this love kept growing inside me till I became careless and I made a mistake…

-No, Ryan, you’re the best husband I could possibly find…

-Then why?

-Because I had a rough time lately. I was sad and lonely and you were busy…and I tried to talk to you, to tell you how I feel…but we’re always ending up fighting. I just wanted someone to hold me for a moment…I don’t wanna see that guy again. I am really sorry…I love you and I love what we have…our family…And I’m willing to be more understanding, to give you more freedom…anything you need to make this work…

He’s smiling. A warm smile and he’s taking me in his arms. I’m crying so hard and it’s not because of him, it’s because of me. I’m stupid and I’m selfish and I hurt him…

-Hey…don’t cry, baby…so…was it a mistake? An isolated single mistake?

-Yes. I swear I’ll never see that guy again.

And I’m honest. Everything will be fine. Ryan believes me because he loves me. And he didn’t deserved this…I will never see Alessio again. I will never talk to him again, I will never write him another mail. I don’t trust myself anymore so…distance is the only answer. Distance and keeping my mind occupied…while my heart feels crushed, broke and cut in pieces…

-Are we alright, Cari? Do you love me? I’m sorry for reacting the way I did…but you pushed all the wrong buttons…

-I’m the one who’s sorry. All I want now is your forgiveness. A chance…and I promise you I’ll never do something like that again. Don’t know what’s wrong with me and why I acted so crazy…

He kisses me and I’m terrified that I missed something. A detail, anything…I can’t afford to be careless anymore. I’m not crazy, I know exactly where my actions came from. A very dark place in my heart, where love was replaced by pain and anguish.

A place where breathing hurts.

Thank you for reading my 100th post. 

Cari

Advertisements