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Dave: This isn’t you…you can’t freeze your heart and pretend you feel nothing…You’re not made of stone. 

Me: I wish I were. It’s a cold world outside, Dave…and I feel lost in it. The only escape was in a dream that now it’s over…

Dave: Take my hand. Do you feel it? Do you really feel it? It’s not a dream, it’s real. You don’t need to escape, I’m here for you…

“In a way, she was glad that he’s sleeping. Seeing him so hurt, with his nose broke and a broken rib…the guilt was slowly building up inside her. She couldn’t stay away…so she found a spot on the edge of his hospital bed and took his hand into hers.

-Matteo…it’s me…I know you’re sleeping and you can’t hear me…but I’m here. I wish we could switch places…to be me the one lying on that bed…because the guilt is slowly killing me. You’re hurting more, I know…

He moved his head and she stopped. But he seemed to be lost in a dream.

-I wonder if we’ll ever be like before…I guess no…we’re helpless about that. And it hurts so much…love turned into hate is sharp like a razor…it cuts your soul and leaves you bleeding. A wrong step…and the embraces turned into violence, the words of kindness and respect turned into offences…instead of being lovers and best friends…look at us…I don’t even know it anymore…who’s the aggressor…we both are? Can it be?

She touched his hair gently.

-I kissed your face so many times…I used to put my arms around your neck…I used to jump into your arms. What have we done to each other, Matteo? How will we ever make it trough the anger and the pain we caused to one another…Will I ever love again? Will I ever be able to trust again? And these signs…your scars…will they be permanent? I think mine will be, but no one will see them, cause they’re locked deep inside me. Maybe is better, maybe I’m luckier…

His breathing became regular so she felt encouraged to speak a little louder.

-I’m brave but I didn’t wanted to be brave. I wanted to be loved. Protected. I should have known…You wanted me to change, to become a sophisticated woman…I failed miserably…I’m the same stumbled girl…and I’m stronger but I never wanted to be strong…You know, I’m lucky that you’re sleeping…cause I can talk about myself, I can complain about my life without feeling selfish. I miss all the kisses I’ll never have. I miss a family I never knew…

He moaned like he were in pain and she felt her tears falling uncontrollably. She took his hand to her face and kissed it.

-You wanted me to kneel in front of you and it seemed so cruel…unnecessarily cruelty. Why taking away my pride when you already took away everything else. What would keep me alive then? Will my loss be a gain to you? Will you be happier then? Your revenge…my revenge…and what about love? You can’t hit a body that you once kissed…you can’t leave scars and bruises on a skin you once caressed…Can you? If you can…then it means I know nothing at all about love…Matteo…I will do something you wanted me to do.

She kneel in front of the bed.

-I know you can’t see me, but maybe you feel me somehow, in your dreams. I’m on my knees now…and I wont get anything at all in return. The pictures you burned, the words you spoke…I’m on my knees because I want to stop all these somehow. So I give away my pride…What I’m asking is not much…is not forgiveness, nor love…is not even a promise that I wont be hurt again…no…I’m just begging you to stop being so cruel…you’re holding my life in your hands sometimes and I feel helpless…just like you felt…I will stay like this forever if I need to…on my knees, just like you wanted me…

He opened his eyes and his words came out so tormented, so filled with pain…

-No…please…no…Cari…don’t…I don’t want to…I’m sorry…

She stood up startled.

-Oh, I awakened you, I’m so sorry…you need to rest, you’re in pain. Do you want me to call the doctor?

He took her hand and held it very tight.

-Cari…don’t leave. I am so sorry…everything changed lately…please forgive me.

-I already forgave you…for everything…the pictures you burned…

-I didn’t…Carissa…I didn’t…

Maybe it was the honesty in his eyes, maybe she just wanted to believe.

-You still have them?

-He did it…Angelo did it…Cari…look at me, look what he did to me…

Her voice became colder.

-I don’t believe you. Angelo knows how much I want to know my real father, he wouldn’t do that…He cares for me, he stood by me and helped me when I had no one. Why would he hurt me?

-Cari…

He saw her crying. He couldn’t find the words.

-You know what? Matteo, I don’t want to know. I don’t! If he’s weird or dangerous, I don’t wanna find out! I wanna fool myself to believe in him…he wont hurt me, he’s nice…I just can’t stay here anymore!

She ran outside. Wishing she could run from her own reality.”

I wanna dedicate this post to all the beautiful people wearing their scars deep within their hearts. To the ones who dream a second life…

 

 

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