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Dave: It’s time to let the storm rage on…Are you ready?

Me: No, I’m not…

So…the wildest year of my life is about to be over. And I still feel like it was yesterday…our first kiss, first time we made love, our first fight…All the regrets for the things I shouldn’t have said and all the torment for the things I shouldn’t have done…but nothing can bring me back the lost innocence nor the lost trust.

-What are you thinking about?

-Nothing…nothing important. It’s starting to snow, shouldn’t we close the windows?

-They’re closed. I closed them, while you were busy doing…nothing.

No…I wasn’t doing nothing. There’s a storm inside me and I’m doing everything I can to keep you safe, Ryan…To keep us safe. A love that no one believed in. My love for you. I’m afraid of that day when I wont believe in it anymore.

-Do you realize how you’re wasting time doing unimportant things while you’re late with our dinner.

-I know, but…I really wanted to clean the windows and paint them in happy colors. I feel like crying when I see how dirty they are…

-Then cry. I mean…if you feel like crying, just cry. Don’t just say it…

I did. Oh, how I cried…I cried an ocean of tears and when I thought that my tears were dried forever, a giant wave tossed my heart in a place I can’t reach anymore. I’m not strong, I’m not a fighter but I can learn, I can be better…will it matter?

-Now you’re crying…look, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I said or did to you, but I apologize for making you cry. Come here, let me hold you…

-You don’t love me…you never did!

-Yes, I love you, I married you, didn’t I? You’re so silly sometimes, I’m just joking with you and you’re taking it so personal…

He’s turning on the radio and it’s that song…”it’s my party and I cry if I want to…”. Life can be pretty ironic…and yes, you would cry too…I miss his arms around me…He knows. My mind is saying no while my heart opens once again. Silly heart…no, stupid heart! Why can’t I just show some pride and dignity for once in my life?

-It’s alright…no more tears, ok? Now tell me what’s wrong, why are you so upset?

-Cause you’re so cold…and everything I do is wrong, you’re always criticizing me. And I miss home…

-You are home, Carissa, at least that’s how you should feel. I’m not cold with you, that’s the way I am…I told you from day one that I’m not good in showing emotions. I also had a rough day at work and the traffic is a nightmare, so I come home and the windows are opened, you’re cleaning and painting and…God knows what else where you doing! All I want after a hard day is to have a nice dinner with my wife…and you start to cry and make a crisis out of nothing!

At first it was the desperation of a broken dream. Then it was the hope of a new beginning. At some point I was so tired and busy that I fell asleep as soon as I put my head on the pillow. Sadly, that was the happiest time…and the only therapy that really worked. When the hard work was over, I turned to church. The priest said “every morning, open the windows of your heart and let the Light of God heal you and guide you.” The windows were wide opened…

-When do you want me to invite them?

-Whenever you want, they’re always welcomed, just ask them to let me know, so I can prepare the living room and, maybe, bake some cookies for the kids. Any day is ok with me…whenever you want…

-Is not when I want, is when You want! Because you do all the cooking and I don’t want you to complain later that you’re tired. If I would have wanted to make the decision myself I would have invited them tonight. But I wanted you to decide how’s the best for you. So, whenever You want…

We’re playing with words and we’re playing with fire at the same time. Someone will get burned. I’m good with words, that’s what people are telling me. Nice words, healing words, enlightening maybe. Still, I’m helpless when it comes to use them as weapons. It’s like I forget all my metaphors, all the analogies, all my style…That’s a funny thought. We’re confronting, we’re fighting trough words meant to comfort…

-Ryan, can we stop this for a moment?

-What? You don’t want me to invite them?

-Of course I want, they’re my friends too. This tension between us, the sarcasm in your voice…we need to talk about our relationship, because I feel I’m the only one trying…

-That’s crazy. I don’t know what you’re talking about, really. We’re fine, you’re in a bad mood today, that’s all. And if you keep creating drama out of nothing, I better go back to work.

I know we can fix this. But I can’t do it alone. Even if I got the whole world by my side. Even if I have all the support a human being can dream to have. Even if I’m loved. I’ll never take for granted all I was given in this life. People had showed me that love, good and faith are worth fighting for. Who am I to say that it’s not enough? I wont say these words.

I need time. We need time. And wisdom. And love. And all mighty powers by our side. But most of all, we need to learn to listen, to truly listen the rhythm of the other’s heart…

Carissa

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