Tags
arranged marriage, children, emotional abuse, faith, feelings of inferiority, first job, God, job, love, marriage, money, relationship, street preacher, work
Dave: When love has a price, when is negotiable, then is not real. Once you’re barging, once you’re negotiating, the “I love you” looses his power.
Me: You talk about love like you would be talking about magic. And we both know that, behind the magic, it’s a real work…to keep the flame burning, to avoid the routine, to re-invent yourself along with the partner. Isn’t it shallow to talk about love like it would be a a magic dust…?
Dave: Isn’t it sad to talk about love like it would be a nine to five job?
“-Praise Lord in His mighty power! Get down on your knees and ask for forgiveness! I see you, don’t try to hide your eyes…the burning fire of your sin is there! In you!
She felt her cheeks in fire, and looked behind her hoping that there’s someone else…no one…no doubt about it, the street preacher was talking to her. The most humiliating ending of a day that brought her only heartache. Matteo, took her hand, hurrying to cross the street. People were starring at them and she stumbled…someone laughed.
-Where are you hurrying? Why are you running away? What are you afraid of? Of God? No…you’re afraid of your fate…you sealed your fate when you sold your soul! Can you feel it? Struggling in the hands of demons? Suffocating in the arms of the evil! Oh, don’t you know? You think you’re alive but you’re a death soul walking in an empty shell!
Matteo took his cell and call the Police. Then he helped her to get in the cab. She saw her face in the small mirror in front of her…unrecognizable to her own eyes. They reached to the apartment and she had the strange sensation of living someone else’s life.
-What’s wrong, Carissa? That lunatic has really gotten to you…well, Police’s business from now on…Now tell me everything! About your first day in College, the classes you’re gonna take, everything!
-It was ok…nice people and the classes seem interesting…
-Gosh, you could kill me with your enthusiasm…
She wanted to express more joy, but her eyes filled with tears. She said “I’m sorry” and rushed to the bathroom. The water flowing along with her tears. It took her a while, but she tried to erase the traces of sadness.
He took her in his arms and they laid together on the couch.
-It’s alright…all the excitement, emotions running wild…I can imagine how hard it must be.
-I’m so so…rry…sorry…
-What for, Carissa? That guy on the street…it’s not your fault. These people shouldn’t be free…to harass whoever they like…Look, I have an idea! Why don’t you make yourself pretty and we go to celebrate this day…you know the restaurant that got opened last week? I heard they have live music there…Stop crying, you’re ruining your make up…
-I don’t wanna go to College! I don’t…
She said the words almost with fear, but he ignored her.
-Matteo…I don’t wanna go to College. I wanna find a job and have my own money. I wanna be able to pay the rent…and to buy clothes and food…
-Are we getting rebel again, aren’t we? Carissa, what happens every time you try to be on your own? You can’t take care of yourself and end up hurt…You will go to College, the tuition are being payed, and that nonsense about finding a job…really…
She felt very and deeply discouraged.
-You don’t think I can have a job…
-Well, Carissa…you don’t really know to do…anything at all. You only know how to play with children, or to pray to God, or to make funny faces when I get mad…You’re sweet and nice but you never worked…
-I could learn…Yes, Matteo, I could! Don’t say I couldn’t! I could! I want a job…If I’d have a job, I’d feel useful…and I’d be happier…and more…
-More…what?
She meant to say “more free” but realized it’s a bad idea. She had no right answer so she put her arms around him, kissing him on the cheek.
-More silly? Say yes, Matteo…pretty please…yes…yessy yes…
He started to laugh.
-What’s that “yessy yes” thing?
-Something I just made up…to make you laugh. I like when you laugh…the difference between us isn’t that big then…I don’t feel that small and stupid when you laugh…
He stopped her with a kiss.
-Just when I thought you cannot be more silly…you prove me wrong. Alright…you won again! What do you wanna work?
-Don’t know…I only know how to play…Matteo! I wanna work with children!
He smiled at her.
-You wanna play with children and get payed for that…alright, silly kid…I’ll see what I can do for you. A kindergarten, I suppose…
She jumped with joy.
-What’s my reward for supporting all your crazy ideas? Yes, don’t look at me like that! I don’t deserve nothing in return? You know how much I want you…I’ve been patient and tender, trying to give you time…but we’re together and still, it feels like we’re just friends…
-You mean…
-I want us to be a real couple. To sleep together, to have sex, like normal couples do…
She said nothing. Somehow she knew that this moment was about to come, but her anxiety made her deny.
-Matteo…you…love me?
-Of course I love you.
-Then…yes…if you love me…but not now! You promised me live music!
He laughed, taking her in his arms.
-Of course not now. I’m not pressuring you, as long as I know we’ll do it. See how you get anything you want from me? And Carissa…one more thing: College is not negotiable! You’re going even if I have to drag you from bed in your pajamas…cause, honey…I want you to have a future…my wife has to be educated and styled.
-Your wife?! Matteo…
-Well, what have you thought we’re doing here? Playing? I always wanted you…and when I want something…”
Carissa's world 
Reblogged this on SURVIVORS BLOG HERE.
Dearest Cari
I’m more concerned for her than ever. I didn’t think it was possible but this post shows how abusers start slowly with control.
Have a great day.
M
There were small steps in that direction. Never saw them at the right moment because (I know that now) when someone is trying to control you, he starts by giving you a false feeling of being safe. And slowly this “safety” changes the conceptions about love, about world, about family. The worst enemy wasn’t Matteo…but “her” lack of self-esteem and the feeling of inferiority. And the absence of social support.
I feel I could write a book about emotional abuse and control 🙂
Wish you a lovely day!
Cari
Dear Cari
You said it best, it starts by making you feel good yet it pulls away until its toxic. I think you have already written a book about emotional abuse. I’ve been captivated with every post, I can’t say that about anyone. When the time is right, you’ll be able to rework the story for the book I know will sell.
I think a book about the work you doing now, the people and places you traveled to. You have so much love in your heart. I know your approach to helping people would inspire others.
I continue to plan for my future after Lyme. I am now an Ordained Minister. My desire to help the elderly and sick came to my heart years ago. I knew when the time was right and I felt strong enough my dream would happen. I’m very excited and have much to learn. I can motivate myself while I’m sick by reading and preparing. Maybe one day we could take a trip together and volunteer.
Have a great day.
M
You’re an Ordained Minister, that’s extraordinary! I always knew that God has a great plan for you, congratulations from all my heart for your inner strength and determination to make your dream come true! A dream inspired by angels!
And you’re right, maybe the book is already written, in my heart it surely is.
Hugs and joyful smiles for you,
Cari
Hi Cari
I’m proud of myself, this was a goal set many years ago as I received prayers in hospitals and saw the joy my grandparents had when seeing Chaplin. There are so many needs for someone just to hold there hand and say I here. The elderly truly appreciate the company. I can comfort the families, give last writes if desired and perform funerals. Don’t think I’ll go that far unless God drives me there. God has given me plenty of time to study, practice my prayers skills and holding emotions back when I see a hurting child. He’ll give me the strength I need.
Take care.
M
Hi Carissa, Matteo comes across as so controlling. Your story reminds me how important it is to be in a relationship where one is honored for who we are. Where our significant others encourage us to be all we can be even if it isn’t what they would like. Dave is wise in saying that a good relationship is real work. Thank you again for sharing your heart felt story!
He was controlling…back then I didn’t even knew that love could be different. And, somehow, he managed to alienate me from my own values, from my friends and, most sadly, from my faith and trust…I kept confounding “being controlling” with “being strong” and I thought I’m safe this way.
Thank you, Roland, your words are always a source of inspiration and wisdom to me.
Blessings,
Carissa