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Dave: Yes, I felt the same as he’s feeling…a need, beyond any reason, to put my arms around you and to create the shelter you needed so much…

Me: But you never did…you kept telling me about limits and barriers…

Dave: Would it had been different for you? To know how I hated him for every tear drop on your face? To know how I made plans in my mind, for the day when you’ll finally be free…could this had change anything at all for you?

Me: I don’t know, Dave. You never gave me the chance to find out…

“The wall in front of her was white and the water had no taste. No color and no taste…

-You need to let it out…babe, is not healthy to keep it all inside…

-Tell me once again.

-Why? Why are you tormenting yourself like this? There’s nothing you can do anymore…They didn’t stood a chance! The frontal collision and the speed…they avoided a child who shouldn’t have been there in the first place…

-Heroes…Did Padre Antonio suffered? Or Sister Maria? Did they had any pain at all? Did they? Tell me, Matteo! Why don’t you let me see them? For the last time? Why are you being so cruel? Just because God left them, should I left them too?

She was shaking and the last sentence was almost whispered. Tears…but her eyes were dried and hurting so much…a lack of air and she struggled. Against him, against life, against God. He tried to caress her hair and she pulled away…how could he comfort her when her heart was an open bleeding heart…

He didn’t cared about the struggle. A pointless resistance…so he laid her down on the white bed, holding her tight till her struggle ended. She was now just sobbing…and he kissed her eyes, her cheeks, her hair…She was lost somewhere in her own world and he remembered…

-You need to take this pill…It will make you sleepy and all this sadness will be easier to bare…

-No pill…please Matteo, don’t make me take that pill…

There was something so desperate in her voice, a pleading so sincere and heartbreaking that it melted his heart.

-But why, my love? Sweetie, it will help you…

-It’s bitter…the pill…I don’t like bitter…

He almost smiled. Feeling her so vulnerable in his arms, he decided to forget all about the pill and just hold her. She cuddled on his chest.

-I know you don’t like bitter, baby…look, if you promise me that you’ll be a good girl and wont do anything stupid…we can forget about the pill. Promise? (she nodded yes) But you need to eat something and prepare…tomorrow are the funerals…I’m so sorry, Carissa…I know how important they were for you.

She looked in his eyes and the gentleness she missed so much was there. In his tears…

-Thank you, my love…

He kissed her lips, they weren’t cold and white anymore and he could feel her heart pounding so strong…her hands were cupping her face, caressing her cheeks, her lips, and she closed her eyes.

-You know, Carissa…when I see you like this, so helpless and so sweet, just like a child…I feel I could spend my whole life holding you, making you feel safe. I feel I could lock you in a safe place, a high tower…where the world outside couldn’t reach you…and you would be mine, only mine…Baby, I know it’s not the best moment, but I kept waiting and waiting…

-You want to…(she looked terrified at him, taking the pillow in her arms)

-I want you to accept a gift…is more than a gift, is something I want you to have and to wear…as a symbol of our bond…

The jewelry box opened and the beauty of the diamonds leaved her speechless. He smiled, seeing her reaction.

-I’m glad you like them…let me help you with the earrings and the necklace…wow, you’re so beautiful…and now…(he kneel in front of her) the most important thing: Will you take this ring and accept to be mine till death do as part?

-Diamonds…these are real ones…Matteo…I…

-Just say yes, baby. They’re real and precious, but not nearly as precious as you are to me. Just say yes…

-Yes…

She saw the ring on her finger, she saw him happy, she heard him talking about their life together, the wedding…and she realized that she didn’t even cried for her losses…

-Honey…Carissa…please stop…what’s wrong? We were so happy and you suddenly burst into tears…sweetie, you’ll be my wife…don’t you wanna call someone to give them the happy news?

She could feel the cold touch of diamonds on her neck and the pain became touchable and unbearable.

-Matteo…I need to cry…please forgive me…I miss Padre Antonio…I’m so sorry…I just need to cry…forgive me…

-Heyyy…have I said that you’re not allowed to cry? Of course you miss them…but that’s life…we need to make the best of what we have. Do you want me to bring someone here, to stay with you?

-No…just you…it’s all I need…don’t you know that all my heroes died? Don’t you know that I have no one left to run to? No one left to talk to…and no one to save me from my own hell? Don’t you know that all of them left…? See…I’m already better…thank you for being here for me…it means the world to me…”

Dave: I’m sorry for failing you not only as your therapist but as your friend too.

Me: No, Dave, don’t say that. You’re still the best therapist I ever know, only that…not for me…And you’re still the best friend I could possibly have…cause you’re the only one… 

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