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Dave: Let me tell you a story…about a little girl with a heart of a warrior…and a deep strong sense of justice. She dreamed to save the world…People told her she doesn’t stand a chance, but she still tried. And tried…till she realized she’s only human. And that was the moment when…

Me: when she gave up?

Dave: …when she became a true hero. Because she was wise enough to know that she needs to save her inner world first…and she was strong enough to ask for help when she couldn’t do it on her own. She is a hero, even if she doesn’t know it yet…

January 2014

A cold sweat on my forehead and the sensation of suffocating. But I’m smiling and I’ll keep smiling while I’m surrounded by people. I got lost again…Lost in my memories, lost in my desperation. My heart is pounding and I need to find the way back…The stairs seem endless and I keep smiling. To the little girl with the pink balloon, to the nice lady that helped me with the door, to the officer who said “hi” to me even if he doesn’t know me…

Is not the first time and probably it wont be the last time either…And I remember his words: “Just wait here…don’t go by yourself, is a big mall and you’ll get lost. You’re always getting lost…Can I trust you this time?” I said yes. Why have I said yes? Now I feel like crying, like screaming, like kicking myself for believing that I can walk on these corridors and still find my way back…

“No, Ryan, you can’t trust me. Please don’t trust me! Not if trusting me means leaving me alone…Because I’m always getting lost and you know it…”

And what’s saddens me the most is that I promised I’ll wait…I waited a lifetime already…why this sudden need of independence? Like I wouldn’t knew that I’m lost without him…

-Carissa…Cari…amore! I can’t believe it…is really you?

And now my world turns upside down…His voice, his arms around me, his curled hair and his dark blue eyes…I’m not lost anymore…or…have I just got deeper and deeper in this labyrinth called “life”…? Have I lost my mind, have I lost my soul? Am I losing myself again in his embrace? Please God…don’t let it happen…

-Alessio…how…

-I know! It’s crazy, I know! I don’t even like malls! I didn’t even planned to go shopping today! My God…this is…fate, destiny…I was looking for a…doesn’t matter anymore…and I got…

-Lost! You got lost?

I’m smiling and he’s laughing. We’re both laughing. I’m touching his face, trying to convince myself that he’s real…

-You’re…

-I’m older…I know…And you, American girl…you’re more beautiful than ever! Let me look at you…My God…how many years without seeing you? Four years? Could it be? Almost four…but it feels like a thousand years…

I should say something…He’s taking my hand and now is the moment. A sad smile on his face…a shadow of pain in his eyes…

-So…who’s the lucky one?

-Oh, my wedding ring…yes, I got married, his name is Ryan. We’re newly weds…just had the wedding six weeks ago…

His eyes are darkening and I remember exactly the feeling. Only that…this time I’m not scared…I’m proud…I don’t know why but I feel proud…

-Well, don’t expect me to say “congrats”. Damn it…that bastard who stole the love of my life!

He’s looking at my shocked face and starts laughing…

-Don’t mind me…I’m bitter cause I just got divorced…Hey, one thing I know for sure…I’m still shocking you! And you’re still blushing so easily…Amore mio…Sorry, I shouldn’t call you that way…

I know I’m all blushed. Just like I know that all the panic of being lost has turned into joy. The joy of finding again…my way? Am I crazy? My way back…I have to go back!

-Cari…don’t panic. I was just kidding…I’m happy for you. Now seriously…is he treating you well? Like a princess?

-Yes, he is…

And just like that I can’t…I can’t stop the tears…I just can’t…

-Heyyyy…what’s wrong? Principessa…

-I have to go…He’s probably searching for me and I promised him to wait…but I got lost and now…

-Now you’re just as helpless and sweet as I remember!

God no! I can’t be that helpless again. I’ll never be a victim again…What have I learned in therapy? That inner strength means asking for help…So I’m sweetly smiling now…

-Not that helpless…but you could help me. Where’s that place where…(I’m getting lost in details now and he barely stops himself from laughing)

-Right behind you! Cari…

-I know, I know…I’m walking in circles…that’s my unique talent.

And somehow I feel in control. Maybe it’s just an illusion. It is…but I don’t wanna think about it now…I’m giving him my number and he’s leaving with my promise…that we’ll meet “for a coffee” one day…Yes, one day…

So I’m back. Like nothing had ever happen.

-I’m sorry for staying so long…are you alright, honey?

-Ryan…

I’m hugging him like it was a year without seeing him. I’m putting my head on his chest and he’s caressing my hair. Sweet caresses…how I need him…

-See…if you’re listening to me…wasn’t that hard, right? (I’m nodding) You waited here, like I asked you to…it means a lot to me. Is not that I’m jealous or anything…I just hate when you’re getting lost…I wanna know where you are…all the time.

-Yes…I am right here with you…but please, don’t ask me where my heart is…I don’t know, I just don’t know it anymore…

 

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