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…so, if you never were a victim…

-What happen…Cari…you have to tell me everything. Your reaction…the way you blocked and froze when I tried to…

-You tried to…what? Tell me the truth. Because I saw it in your eyes. I see it in your eyes, Ryan…I see how you’re holding back from…

I couldn’t pronounce the words. “From hurting me”…And there it was, pure and bright like the light of day. The truth. I’m in a victim-aggressor relationship with the one who swore to protect me till the end of days…Even if this is only in my mind…

The guilt is like a monster. He feels guilty now. He hates himself for what he almost did…and he hates me for making him feel this way…and it’s all hate and guilt and anger…where it supposed to be love.

He’s taking my hand and pulls me closer. I know…he never wanted. We never wanted to come to this. He needs to say the words and I understand. Even if I’ll wear his words like a scar for the rest of my life…

-Carissa, I will make a confession to you…When we were fighting, before…and you told me that I’m half man with half heart…My God…that was the ugliest and the most cruel thing I ever heard…Anyway, when you said that…I felt the need…almost beyond control…

-yes…?

-To hit you…to hit you hard…to slap you and to hurt you physically…

That’s it…the words are still burning inside me. He’s talking fast…trying to replace the cursed words with another ones. Can you replace a blasphemy without committing another?

-Please look at me…I’m a monster, I know. But you…you had a reaction, like you were in shock…you became white like you saw a ghost…and you kept repeating something…when I touched you, you were so tense, so frightened and you looked at me without recognizing me…

…and if I never was a victim…

We’re being interrupted by that sound…is my father, I promised him we’ll talk on Skype…and he sees how I’m trying to smile. And I see how his expression is changing. I look at Ryan and he’s concerned, preoccupied. My dad was never a good diplomat, not even when he tried to be…

-What have you done to my daughter? And don’t try to deny!

-Nothing! He did nothing to me! We were having a serious conversation when you called…

I’m drowning…I can’t lie and my eyes are betraying me. I don’t wanna cry! I need time and space and Ryan’s words are still burning my soul. It hurts…it hurts so much, so terrible…

-Ryan, be a man and assume your actions. Why is my daughter crying? Don’t look away, only liars and cheaters look away when they’re asked a simple question! You hurt her…right?

-Listen, Franco…

-Don’t you dare treat me like I were your equal! You, boy, you’re not even worthy to kiss the dust from her feet…Listen to me and listen carefully! You’re a father too. You have two daughters.

-Yes, but what do they have to do…

-Is a simple thing. Everything that happens to my daughter, it will happen to your children too. You hurt her, I’ll make sure that your precious children get hurt as well…Capisci? You may think you’re safe or they’re safe…but ask yourself this: do you even know where they are right now? Who are they talking too? Are you sure you know…?

We’re ending this…the computer lies on the floor broken in pieces. I did it. I’m not ashamed. My heart lies on the floor too…broken too…I lost three people today. I lost Ryan…and now my father…but what hurts the most…I lost myself in this circle of madness.

-I’m sorry, Ryan. I promise you that nothing bad will happen to Chrissy and Izzy…you know how I love them…you know I would give my life to protect them…you know…please say that you know…

-I know, baby. But this is not about you and me. This is about a crazy old fool who’s threatening two innocent kids. It happens that the old fool is your father. And I can’t allow this, I simply can’t. I’m sorry, Carissa…I guess it wasn’t meant to be for us…

…then how could both of us be victims…

I’m packing my things. Is hard to be a witness to your own life. Is terrible when others are deciding and you feel like a leaf carried by the wind…Leave with dignity…even if behind the mask demons are tearing out my bleeding heart.

-Ryan…I love you. I will go if you want to. But I love you. I thought you should know.

He’s taking me in his arms, holding me tight.

-I love you too…baby, this is crazy…

-It is…you said that a relationship is like a dance…but we’re pushing each other and we’re pulling our hearts out…

His smile is so sad, it makes me cry.

-Maybe we’re not dancing with the right person…

I’m touching his face and he has tears in his eyes.

-I don’t wanna lose you, Ryan. I’d rather lose the whole world…But I also don’t wanna lose myself…Does this make any sense at all?

-It makes. A lot of sense. Tell me more…tell me how you see our future…how you see me. How you see our love…you have a way with words…that gives me peace. I’m longing for some peace of mind…

-My love…You were right before. We were dancing with the wrong partner. We were dancing with our own inner demons…and sometimes we were desperately trying to fit into each other worlds…but these terrible demons from our past wouldn’t let us…I’m willing to let them go and to be yours and only…But are you still willing to lead this dance?

-I am…I will always be…baby…you don’t know how I’m struggling inside. How I’m fighting…

-I know, Ryan…I know…Just take me in your arms…can you feel this? My heart beating so fast. We’re winning, my love…Over our pasts, over the trauma, over everything…Maybe our mistake was to search in each other a savior…but no one can save us from our inner ghosts…no one but ourselves. I’m ready to start all over again…

He’s kneeling in front of me, taking my hands and kissing them desperately…

-Carissa…will you do me the honor…to be my dance partner? Till the music will be over?

-Yes…I do…till the end of time. Till this music, called life…will sing it’s final note…

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